Momentum

Like a sailor crossing a turbulent ocean, Juno sailed further and further into the unknown. Days like this one made her feel truly hopeless. Beyond the water in her eyes, the tall, dense waves of water crashing around her; the night sky collapsing above her, beyond all of the confused and destructive forces of nature that she carried, the only light that was felt from within her was that of the reflection of the moon.

Hopeless and hollowed pits sank through every corner of her mind. As she rode in the car with her mom, to go home after the appointment, her mind became very calm. Her mom was crying, which almost felt too far away from the context of what she was experiencing to even really understand. Everything just felt calm. Too calm to even think. Her eyes were open, but her vision was soft, relaxed. They almost felt crossed, although in no way strained. Colors around her seemed to swim around in her vision, as if they were moving through her rather than her moving through them. Time was feeling silly and slowed.

By that time, sitting in the car as her mom was crying, it felt as though not a single muscle in her body was tense. The bumps and rattles of the car bumped and rattled in her body. A sweet thought played around in her mind when you have nothing, then you’ve got nothing to lose. The thought felt visceral to her. The way it rang from inside of her empty heart, it came about her with a feeling similar to hearing a song that moved her. There was something right feeling about it, like when words rhyme. Her mind wandered and daydreamed, singing melodies of melancholy, as her own sense of Juno sat shackled in the very back of her own mind.

Why does feeling a sense of nothing feel so full inside of us? Why are some things more difficult to discuss? Why is the entirety of existence absolutely, excellently superfluous. Oh, Juno’s mind whispered with ease, why does it feel so wonderful when words rhyme? Why-

“Why is there a notebook lying on our driveway?” Her mom asked through her sniffles. Juno’s dazed eyes gently shifted their attention to the driveway in front of them, and there she saw it as well. The question her mother had asked was harmless in nature, but was an understatement to their combined, growing perplexion over the true absurdity of the scene before them. Down where there is nothing, in the deep dark depths of above and below alike, there seems to always be a laugh. A twisted and painful sense of humor. Why do we laugh both when we are afraid and when we are staring into the eyes of a lover? Sometimes that humor was impossible to ignore, as it demanded to be seen and to be joined in laughter.

In front of their closed garage door was a small wooden table, dark wood, about two feet tall, made with eloquent craftsmanship. Juno got out of the car. There was a small black notebook being displayed to an absent audience. Juno and her mother took a couple more steps and were both now, silently, observing this much deserving display. The notebook seemed to eat their attention up with glee, sitting in an almost pompous fashion. Above the notebook, to the left, was a small, delicate vase filled by vibrant purple iris flowers. Surrounding the notebook were a plethora of smooth stones.

“I really just don’t have the capacity to deal with this right now,” Juno’s mother spoke with a long sigh. She paused for a moment, as if she were going to say something more, and then decidedly turned and began walking to the front door. Juno, on the other hand, had the capacity. She was in-fact, the embodiment of capacity. With nothing within her, she had nothing to lose. Her attention was a void, waiting to be filled, and with her eyes fixed on the notebook, she embodied everything it could possibly contain. The confusion and excitement played and danced in her stomach, nearly bubbling out of her in a giggle.

Her fingers glossed over one of the stones, and then enclosed around a couple more. She put the stones in her pocket, because they carried mystery and luck. With her left hand, she grabbed the vase of flowers. With her right hand she grabbed the notebook. The small table stood nobily behind as she took them off to her bedroom.

The notebook was small enough to fit into the back pocket of her jeans, but carried a grandiose energy. It had a slightly worn leather cover that perfectly protected the impressive secrets inside; secrets that Juno was destined to become knowledgeable of. She hurried into her room. Her back slid down against the door, now closed behind her. Her body made its way down toward the floor; her screaming heart found its way into a dull ache. Juno savored a small moment of mystery and the unknown, and then slid open the notebook with slight apprehension.

Inside the notebook, the first page spoke only one neat line: “Goodbye Juno, my love”.

So someone really did leave this notebook here just for me to find, thought Juno. Goodbye? Who else could have known about my condition? Juno’s mind picked up speed a little. A small dose of adrenalin pushed through her body, making her focus even slightly sharper. She observed the words. Something seemed weird about the handwriting. She flipped to the next page-

“Do not fear

As you leave here

Come follow me into the unknown

Leave everything dear behind

It’s time to come home”

Juno’s love of poetry and her longing to experience rare and beautiful things had her absolutely dazzled. She was ready to follow the white rabbit wherever it would take her. Who could have possibly left this here for me? Why does the handwriting look so familiar? She flipped through more pages. Dozens of short poems. All of them cryptic and etheric, but loving in tone.

She spent the whole following night devoted to the small black notebook and its secrets. It beckoned her to go deeper and deeper into her own mind. The riddles pulled at and complicated her thoughts and beliefs.

“As the walls of the castle come crashing down to pieces

The sky will open for you

Small girl, you will understand what true peace is”

“You can not sleep here

much longer

Follow me now

let’s go deeper”

The night blurred into dreams, and her dreams blurred into beautiful symbols of the buried emotions in her mind. What an odd day. She slipped deeper and deeper. Why did the handwriting look so familiar? Her thoughts echoed deep into her chorus of strange and wonderful dream images. The author must know me well, why do I feel the words in my bones? Eventually she fell so deep into the bowels of her mind that all of the thoughts and images ceased. There was only the hum of her awareness that rang out into the emptiness of the cosmos for an immeasurable amount of time.

Her mind stirred. The heavens reached down to kiss the earth, and there she became aware of herself inside of her body once again. Her eyes gently opened. The bright light of the day danced around in her vision for a moment before she focused the world into being. No, wait. Fear began to seep into her mind. The lights are so bright. Fear born from confusion and impending disappointment.

The bright lights were not from the sun, nor was it daytime, nor was Juno in her room. Her mind was spinning. The harsh lights of a stage illuminated the harsh actuality of reality. Her dream was slipping, slipping.

“Hey, Juno! C’mon, are you okay?” Said a voice, still distant as Juno was trying to piece her perception together.

From the palace of profound truth, laughter is born-

“Oh my gosh, she really must have hit her head pretty hard there” Observed another.

Finding infinite ways to be expressed.

“My God, what a show you put on, Juno, you were magnificent out there!”

As it tears its way through our bodies-

“The ambulance is on its way”

There is none left within us to mourn

All that is and can be is here in this moment as me.

As the night’s events began to flood back into Juno’s mind in a torrential downpour of emotions, she tried hard to cling to the world that had now faded. The world that was unknown to her; the world within her that demanded to be seen.

Her dance with grace was beautifully observed over the competition floor that night, but somehow ended in an abrupt and dreadful loss of balance. Her poor footing sent her falling, down, off of the stage floor, down, into her misery. Her conscious mind had stopped perceiving on impact with the floor, but the dance went on in her subconsciousness. A dance of tragedy and love, a true rare bliss to achieve. Oh, she finally understood, the handwriting in the notebook was mine.

In a moment, the pieces finally all snapped together in her mind, and she was free. The harmony of it all sent shivers throughout her body. It was the understanding of it all, the dance, the poems, the unknown; it was the true orgasmic sensation of art that really moved her. She had found, deep within her mind, what it really meant to dance. She was the center of attention to an entire audience of people, exposed and vulnerable on the floor, and she didn’t care. She now felt seen in an entirely new way to anything that she’d ever experienced. It was no longer about the performance. It was no longer about the competition cash prize. It was no longer about her mother’s expectations.

For the first time ever, she was seeing herself with brutal, beautiful honesty, and everything else melted away. The rhythm she carried within her soul carried extravagant momentum, a true rage of expression. It was finally expressed, finally seen. With the lights, the eyes, the people, the chatter, the understanding, the sorrow; she began to cry.

The rhymes, she thought once more. They felt so good, as if the words themselves were dancing with me.

The world moved around her, as if it were moving through her rather than her moving through it. For a long moment, Juno sat within the stillness that she was now feeling. The roaring waves of water were no longer crashing, the sky was no longer falling around her- she had given up the fight. The chaos was no longer interested in her, as it had done its due diligence. The light within her was no longer reflected and fractured, but instead it was now whole. A large capacity within her had been given a taste of true fulfillment. Every part of her that wished to win had died away in her present bliss.

A man in a black suit walked onto the stage above her, looking down upon her with tender eyes. He held the microphone to his lips and uttered the most unexpected words.

“What an amazing performance from Miss. Juno,” he said, smiling earnestly. “As the last contestant for this evening, let’s give a big hand to all of our performers that went on to amaze us tonight!”

The audience clapped and hollered. Then they began to stand, still clapping. “I have here in my hands the judge’s results for tonight,” he said, holding up a small slip of paper. “The winner of the $20,000 cash prize goes to-” he paused. The audience went silent.

“The winner for tonight’s competition is Juno! What a true piece of art she displayed to us tonight, tumble and all! Give it up for Juno and for all of our dancers!”

The crowd roared.

Juno laughed.