Mirroring Wilderness

After many tests, trials, assessments, a conclusion has been drawn. For your lack of self-love you have been deemed a lost cause impossible to love. Whether you were loved or not is of no consequence when what is found at the bottom line is that if you do not love you, how can anyone else? You are the fool. The chagrin of your fellow denizens. How you chose to live your life spoke louder volumes than your tongue ever could. One last ditched effort of embellishment is that you weren’t fully cognizant of your disposition. There it is again. But I digress.

Throughout the history of time, various cultures and people come to call it by different titles, such as “soul-searching“, “reinvention“, or “the dark night of the soul.” It is my contention to call it by its original name: “the wilderness.” Once you have entered into this arena, it becomes obvious as to why we’ve rarely, if ever, heard it discussed in public and private settings alike. Save eternal damnation, this is the very last place that a living soul riddled with pride and arrogance desires to be. Conversely, even the meekest of mankind fancies to explore alternatives before submission. As it is befitting, and not to lose you, from here on I will keep it real simple.

The wilderness is where you go to meet you. No, not the projected public image or the ego. Not who you tell yourself you are gazing at in that ridiculously overpriced sweater, or through one of the popular photo filters on your social media app. The REAL you. The true, authentic self. The soul within the body so neatly dressed up for appearance in the eyes of others. The actual personality and character that you yourself aren’t one-hundred percent familiar with, and perhaps doesn’t care to be. The wilderness is designed to strip you of all your pre-conceived notions of persona, opinion and put-on. Gets you down to the nitty-gritty. The ugly you. The side of you that years of arduous effort was spent to avoid, or at the very least, tolerated.

The reckoning. No more excuses, explanations, cop-outs, blame-shifting, or pointing of the finger. The face in the mirror is to face who is looking in it. When we’ve grown up, we own up. Why and how did I develop unhealthy habits that not only stifled my own growth and enhancement, but negatively affected the people in and a part of my life? Why was feeding addiction(s) more important than feeding my children? How did I form a belief system utterly counterproductive and self-destructive? How was 35 years not enough time to realize a lack of success and zero accomplishment was the result of the choices that I made?

How upset were you when someone you’ve known since the second grade, now an U.S. Army Sergeant in their fifteenth year of service, told you that you were wasteful and worthless? To your face! After you realized it was spoken on behalf of everyone you know and don’t, how long was it before you comforted yourself with the meth pipe you’ve been clutching for the past two years? Is it no surprise your six children with six mothers want nothing to do with you, being that you made it painfully obvious you wanted nothing to do with them? Shouldn’t it anger, embarrass then enlighten you that your farce of a marriage to a sociopathic covert narcissist was merely to publicly humiliate and mock you, unbeknownst to only you? And yet, you are still stiff-necked and argumentative!!

Er go, the wilderness. Where you find yourself, by yourself. And where, you find your self, by your self. Initially appearing as your life’s assassin, the wilderness is truly a sincere and genuine friend. The real friend that tells you and shows you the most harshest of truths: that YOU have been your greatest nemesis in your life. The wilderness brings you into confrontation with the person who has to ask and answer the most unsettling and uncomfortable questions.

Put up all the fight you want. The more you contend, the longer you stay. But the wilderness isn’t meant for you to stay, and especially to never leave. It’s there to help. There is a glimmer of hope and promise that is reinstated once cooperation and understanding is met, as the wilderness does have a level of exclusivity. And doesn’t take too kindly to being taken for granted, as it isn’t obligated to extend its helping hand. It also has no qualms with leaving you to your own desire for desolation. After all, life isn’t fair. It is, however, just. Therefore, if and/or you wind up in the wilderness, count it as blessing. When you return, make the time spent there count.