Manic Writing Episodes

One of the symptoms I hate most about my Bipolar Disorder is the inability to sleep. In 2018 after getting out of the military, I had been formally diagnosed. I looked perplexed at the psychiatrist sitting across from me who was trying to explain her thought process. It didn't make sense, how could I have gone my entire military career and never once had that conversation with a health care professional?

I mean all the signs were there. It started off as an anxiety diagnosis, which I was given some meds and sent on my way. When my symptoms got worse they told me it was depression, again giving me meds and sending me on my way. Followed by ADHD, PTSD, and so on. So when I heard Bipolar Disorder it all clicked in my head. None of my meds were working up until that point. In fact I felt like I was constantly "raw dogging" life. Forcefully putting one foot in front of the other, and I felt like life was just going to sort of always look like this for me.

Coming from someone who's family just thought my grandma was "loopy". I remember that there was such a negative connotation on mental health. My dad would describe to me in detail about how my grandma would go to the church at midnight and be dancing and worshiping God out front of the church. My uncle and my dad would get a call and then have to drive over and get her. I can only imagine how difficult that was for them. It was later diagnosed as her having Bipolar Disorder that threw things into perspective for her.

Living with someone who has Bipolar Disorder is not easy. In fact statistics from the NIH (National Institutes Of Health) show that about 2.8% of all adults or 5.6 Million adult Americans are affected with this disorder, and often times it's harder to diagnose women over men. The problem is in our medical system here in the United States, there's an epidemic of women not being taken seriously about our health care. Or it's made to think that our symptoms are in our heads.

So when I would go to my provider's and they just told me my moods were "situational" rather than because they were due to a chemical imbalance in my brain, I felt like my medical system had failed me.

Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder include:

Mood: mood swings, sadness, elevated mood, anger, anxiety, apathy, apprehension, euphoria, general discontent, guilt, hopelessness, loss of interest, or loss of interest or pleasure in activities

Behavioral: irritability, risk taking behaviors, disorganized behavior, aggression, agitation, crying, excess desire for sex, hyperactivity, impulsivity, or self-harm

Cognitive: unwanted thoughts, delusion, lack of concentration, racing thoughts, slowness in activity, or false belief of superiority

Psychological: depression, manic episode, agitated depression, or paranoia

Sleep: difficulty falling asleep or excess sleepiness

Whole body: fatigue or restlessness

Weight: weight gain or weight loss

Also common: rapid and frenzied speaking

And unfortunately I struggle with several issues on this list, even with medication management and therapy. With this disorder it can be very hard to keep a job, maintain a healthy life balance, lack of friends etc. I was always that kid that had trouble focusing in school and would talk a mile a minute. There's a reason my grandpa dubbed me as "the girl who's full of wind."

A lot of my symptoms after I got into the military were mostly depressive in nature and could've been mistaken for other things, but when you lay all the symptoms on the table there was no denying it. But that's the thing, I sort of had this giant bombshell of a diagnosis and there was no support for the after affects. What do I do now that I had this information? I felt like I had no idea about who I was.

They threw me on meds to manage my bipolar disorder, but that was it. There was no support on how to work through the behavioral side of things. I only knew how to be the person I have been my entire life. It seems like that's the only method people do- they throw you on meds. Please don't get it twisted, medications are an important part of the process. With something like this though there needs to be a holistic approach with a therapist guiding you through that time. Helping monitor you while you work on adjusting things with a clearer head space.

I needed coping skills, and eventually I figured if I actually wanted to be a good parent long term to my children, I needed to honestly get it together. So once I finally reached out through the VA I started with something called Cognitive Processing Behavior Therapy- again focusing on the why I feel the way I do and see the world approach. We worked through A LOT of childhood trauma stuff, and then once I graduated that form of therapy- I was requested to be put into creative writing therapy.

Honestly I didn't know it was a thing. I hadn't done creative writing since I was in High School, but it ended up being one of my favorite classes. I remember in my Senior year, Mr. Gulath introduced me to the idea of using my brain. Not just writing because I had to- but because I wanted to. Big difference. I was so used to having to write structured and formal writing that I had no idea he was about to unleash this inner voice that needed to be heard.

In my Senior year of High School I was also in foster care. My life was so heavily involved with court and just dealing with a judge being up my ass about my every move some times it felt like it was hard to breathe. Mr. Gulath gave me the ability to have control over something, to get lost in worlds and scenes only in my head. It was a safe space, and we would come in that Friday and share our projects with each other. Get honest criticism. Truthfully I excelled. It's one of the best memories I have of high school. But after I left, and I went into the military that was it. I stopped writing.

So when the therapist mentioned creative writing as a option for therapy I took the recommendation. It was other veterans in this zoom set up, and we just got prompts and we wrote out everything for the week, similar to what Vocal does with it's challenges. You get a prompt and then we all give feed back and discuss. This went on for months, to the point where the VA has a Creative Arts Festival every year. You can submit creative writing projects and Sam, the occupational therapist suggested I enter and my personal essay even won first place!

(This is that essay)

But what I found was even after the group completed, I actually didn't stop writing. This time I actually found myself using Vocal to actually help with the sleepless nights. I will write a short story, and I actually have committed myself to writing a story or poem for every challenge this year in Vocal. Why? Simply put its constructively getting myself into something that slows my brain down in a healthy way.

My brain processes information really fast, and I notice I can't often times get it turned off at night when I want to sleep. So I flip open my Macbook and I will work on different writing projects. My 5000 word short story I just recently wrote for example, Vocal's "Broken Mirror Challenge" I wrote that all within 2 hours! Editing takes a little longer clearly. But my brain can unfold a whole plot line in a matter of minutes. It doesn't take long because the universe made me this way. But when my depression spikes, or I start having a high anxiety moment, I have found myself more and more turning to Vocal as a healthy coping mechanism.

I used to turn to food, or impulse spending but now I write. I write till my hands get tired, or my brain has had enough out of it's head space. Once I have finished an essay or a poem my brain allows me to lull off to sleep. I feel like it's given me a more healthy outlook to control my mental health, and it makes me excited to participate in the contests here too. Even if I don't get chosen. It's the point that I am creating something I'm proud of. I am grateful that the founders of Vocal have created a space where I and others are capable of having this kind of outlet, because I definitely felt like I didn't have something like this before.

I love that we are able to leave honest feed back and just see the gifts and talents of other writers. To me it's not about the money we receive (although it's nice when it happens) but it's the community. I feel like I finally have a safe space to come when the world is burning like a dumpster fire.

Recently I talked to the creative writing director at the VA in Saint Louis, and I now talk about Vocal with other veterans who are in these support groups, and encourage them to put their work here. From my understanding they are using a similar format now in other groups which is awesome!

Also side note- because I know people at the top read these! Can I get a prompt about the ocean? Or something to do with the open ocean? Pirates, idk I've been feeling inspired about Washington because I live here now, and I'm constantly hiking, or see whales and it's super cool!

And if you would like to support me on my journey as a writer, please consider following me! I would love feed back on my work as well to help me grow!

-Kayla