Life With My Friends

I actually had this story title sitting in my drafts, however tonight I felt like it was appropriate to finally sit down and talk about everyone's favorite cringy topic- mental health.

Don't get me wrong, like there's days where I own it. I literally am the queen of getting my shit togegther and embracing it. Then there's other times where my mood is undeniably back and forth. So much so it's impacted my ability to full on get a job after the military. I have side hustles, and I write to actually cope with my PTSD but little things trigger me and I just am being candid by seeing people move on in life and I feel like my mental health keeps me trapped in a vicious cycle.

I have the trifecta of mental health diagnosis. It's a term I coined, I don't know if it's just because specific stuff went untreated for so long- or if it was the Navy's inability to properly diagnose due to lack of mental health providers at my command. People think when you initially start out with a diagnosis you automatically get "cured" through meds, and that's not exactly how it works. See back in 2014 I was involved in a really bad car crash that triggered my anxiety to implode on me, couple that with a shitty command and a TBI and I was in a whirl wind of confusion.

I was paranoid, and I felt like my brain wouldn't shut off. Like everything began to feel overwhelming, and I just wanted to sleep all the time so I could avoid my problems. Eventually the anxiety diagnosis was soon followed by depression, which turned into a PTSD diagnosis from childhood trauma. Basically the identity I had before the diagnosis was gone, and I didn't know how to cope with the person that seemed to just be looming at every turn. This person was living my life, and I sort of just was watching it play out in real time- feeling like I had no control over my emotions.

Eventually I married someone who didn't believe in the concept of mental health. He would always shoot into my head these phrases, Therapy just makes you overly emotional, why go? It only makes you feel things you don't need to. Suck it up everyone has problems. You don't see me bitching about my problems to the world, I just deal with them like a man. The sooner you stop talking about it, the sooner you will move on. Meds make you weird- stop taking your meds, they make you gain weight.

Yep- my ex husband told me to not take meds. He even told me on the way up here to Washington state to not check myself into inpatient because it wouldn't help. Look, I have done enough therapy over the course of 8 years, but I'll tell you what, once my friend Bipolar joined the team it was new level that I didn't know if I could handle. I remember a long time ago, my dad made a snide comment about my Grandma having been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. They talked about her "going to the church in the middle of the night and dancing for Jesus under the full moon". Little did I know it's a thing called mania.

So once my dad went to prison and was too diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, it only seemed fitting that once my psychiatrist finally gave me the diagnosis- I felt legitimately crazy. Here I was trying to be a functioning person, trying to avoid being like my parents, and unfortunately I was suffering on so many levels that I couldn't avoid it. Not any longer. I felt like the stigma one carries with mental health is like wearing a bunch of tags all over your body. You literally have all these labels and you are trying to not be defined by them, but at the same time you are fighting them while trying to live a normal life.

It causes me to constantly self-sabotage relationships. I don't know how to function in a healthy way- I try. I do all the shit my therapists tell me to do, but it only forces me into a tiny corner with myself. It causes me to go into debt, not pay bills until things are getting shut off, and no matter how many meds I take, I never have a period of more than a couple of days where I don't feel depressed. And it's exhausting looking for a solution to fix my problems medically when it's a life long battle that I have to physically face daily, on top of everything else.

It makes me feel like I will never find someone in this world who just loves me and wants to be with me, when all my mental health does is makes it harder for everyone else to be in my life. I feel like a shit parent, because while I have coping skills to deal with all of this- mentally I have been checked out and living in survival mode while being a single parent. I guess I'm saying this as a life update, but as a personal moment I decided to finally go check into an inpatient clinic and try to get some real deep treatment.

I'm not ashamed to say it, I'm like the millions of people who were impacted by COVID, and I just never was fully able to recover. Financially everything has gone through the roof, so much so I was choosing between paying for my house and for utilities and car payment, food etc. My car is in repossession as we speak, and they are currently looking for it. My house is in default, and I honestly don't know if I can pay it back. And truthfully, so many things are on fire that I feel like I have lost my inability to care.

I have no regrets having sent my kids to be with their dad for awhile, I need the mental break. I love them to death, but emotionally if I am unhealthy I don't think it's good for me to parent right now. I write this article to encourage those who are thinking about getting mental health treatment to do it. Parents go through a lot. There's alot of pressure on ourselves to like be perfect 24/7 and it's just not possible. I'm just openly admitting the need for change for myself so hopefully I can stick around to be here for my kids in the long term.

But right now, I'm in a season where I am deeply not okay. I'm struggling with being divorced, and having all the stigmas that come with that. I'm struggling seeing my ex move on in his life and being married to a person I genuinely dislike- but am grateful for the help of my children. I am struggling because the man I genuinely liked after my divorce was final is happy and back with his girlfriend, and I'm over here having a pitty party over feeling like I'm loosing everything in my life. All self induced. All because my mental health has decided to rear it's ugly head. And I feel ashamed.

For some reason I feel like I'm 28, I should've gotten it together by now. I should be comfortably living in a nice house that I bought, but no. I'm literally loosing everything because my mental health constantly makes me unstable, and I'm literally just clinging onto anything at this point looking for a sign of hope. My kids motivate me to stay here and alive. They love me, and I love having conversations with them about their interests. But honestly if they weren't here in this world, sometimes I wonder if I would be.

Life has not been kind to me- and I'm littered with all kinds of trauma that has been addressed in therapy. But I feel like I'm just living in the shadows of mistakes from other people. And it's constantly disrupting my life. Like I want stability. I crave it, but I also don't know what it looks like because the glasses I wear filter out stability into a war zone survival moment daily. Military made me feel even less normal. So I went from surviving childhood abuse, to foster care, to military, my parent going to prison. It's like the fractures and wounds are just there. They don't heal and I don't know how to fix them. Meds only numb them.

I'm looking currently into alternative therapies. I have seen in Oregon they do psychadelic treatments with mushrooms and have seen really good progress with those who have been diagnosed with PTSD. I'm looking into Iowaska and DMT. Really abbrasive trips to energetically reset me. But I'm also looking at one thing. Tomorrow morning, I plan to go to Seattle and check into inpatient. Hopefully take a grippy sock vacay, and avoid the outside world for awhile. I hear coloring sheets are pretty amazing. Someone actually cooks your meals for you, and they do meditation.

I'm actually just hoping I can connect with people again. I just feel alone. I'm tired of being lonely. I am craving human connection, and I'm just tired of people seeing me as the girl who is "crazy". I'm a person having a really human experience. I'm still alive and here, I am just tired of being in pain- and having the generic society sit there and tell you keep pushing through. It's fine. I'm fine, your fine, everything is fine. No my dude- everything is NOT FINE.

Our government is imploding, I can't find an apartment because my credit score is absolute trash. I had to basically walk away from my kids to fix my head and my life, and at this point my dog fucking loves my friend Kevin more than me now. (Which btw I finally met my Hell Diver's friend after a year and a half of talking online.If you want context I can link that article here.)

So much is relying on me to get it together, but like everything in our society is setting us up to fail. And the worst part is collectively we are all feeling it, the difference is I'm choosing to vocally acknowledge it while others choose to stay silent out of fear of being embarrassed. Look here's the thing. I think after my grippy sock vacay, I'll honestly be fine. I need to check out of my life for a little while. I have had so much stuff I couldn't deal with for so long because I was taking care of everyone else in my life.

While my kids are 100% my priority- I also knew I was going down a slippery slope. I was running on fumes daily, and I knew if I didn't pack up and leave to go get help it was all going to end badly. I know when to acknowledge things, and seek assistance. I'm not an idiot. I'm just a depressed human being who's literally trying to find joy in life, and I just need a medication adjustment or something. But more importantly a place to live. I read tarot cards, but literally no amount of money I think can fix my credit enough to land a place.

So I am hoping to quickly get a camper some how and have a temporary place of dwelling until I can finally get something more permanent. Or even potentially go back to Illinois if I have to. I just love the vibe of Washington and I genuinely feel at peace here. I hope I'll be able to some day find inner peace, and be the mom my kids deserve to be. And maybe some day finally get to be with someone who loves me for all my flaws and all.

I know I'll be okay- once you go to sleep, tomorrow is a new day. But if you or someone you know is struggling- I'm going to leave a list of resources that you can talk to for help. You are not alone and openly admitting you are hurting I recognized, it only makes you more human than not. We are collectively grieving as a society right now, and that glimmer of hope seems like it's getting harder to find. But you are loved, and if no one has told you today- I see value in you as a person.

UK hotline for suicide, eating disorders, etc. http://www.supportline.org.uk/index.php Phone number: 020 8554 9004

UK and Ireland suicide hotline: Name: The Samaritans

http://www.suicide-helplines.org/uk.htm Phone number: 1850 60 90 90

UK and Ireland hotline for children and young people who can call about any problem any time 24/7

Site: http://www.childline.org.uk/ Phone number: 0800 1111

Australia 24 hour Crisis Hotline Phone number: 13 11 14

German (Berlin) crisis hotline (auf Deutsch) http://www.telefonseelsorge-berlin.de/ Phone number: 0800 111 0 111

USA: 1-800-656-HOPE (1-800-656-4673): Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network USA: 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233): National Domestic Violence Hotline

USA Bulimia and Self-Help 24-hour Crisis Hotline Phone number: 1-314-588-1683

USA Self-Injury Help by S.A.F.E. (Self Abuse Finally Ends) Phone number: 1-800-DONT-CUT (1-800-366-8288)

National Eating Disorders Association (International treatment referrals and info) Phone number: 1-800-931-2237

And not that you have to, but if you want to help fund this camper endeavor, I created a bunch of digital art and created merch with it. So if you want to help support me on this journey of life it would mean alot. I'll post a link when it's live and I finish uploading everything. For now I just want to focus on getting better. Hopefully someday I can write a really cool book and give like a xTedTalk lol. For now take care and be kind to one another.

-Kayla