Let Me Tell You About Hannah

It sounds so cliche, but I'm horrible at making friends and the worst at keeping them. Due to my relentless mental health issues, my therapist likes to remind me every session how "self sabotaging" isn't a healthy trait to have. I have been in therapy for about 5 years now on a consistent basis, and while there have been several up and down moments, the biggest thing I recognized is how my mental health has taken a toll on the ones closest to me.

Growing up in the foster care system in 2011-2012 was definitely a defining moment for me. While I knew being pulled out of the abusive situation I was in was the best thing for my siblings and I, it also was the beginning of more instability in my life. I was put into multiple homes and there was a huge shift in the dynamic of what was "normal" for me. That version of normal went as far as a background check for a date to homecoming, and the ever relentless judge and social worker, just everyone else generically being in my business and in the know.

I know these people had good intentions and wanted the best for me, but at 17 I couldn't begin to even process a lot of what was happening in my life, and what had happened well into my mid to late 20's. My vision of healthy relationships did not really come to light until after my grandparents had passed away in 2017. Between the amount of homes I lived in, to the constant come and go of people, I just felt like I wasn't good enough for someone to want to stay around long enough to get to know me.

I had this victim mentality, that because I was sexually abused that I was broken and not worthy of unhappiness. The thought was because of where I came from and the circumstances I came out of, the instability would never let go. So I would temporarily make friends only to self sabotage my way out of it, and the cycle would continue over and over again. There was always something wrong, or there was always going to be something that happens that would end the relationship.

My military career ended because of the self sabotage relationship I had with myself, and ultimately because of the traumas mentally I couldn't come to grips with reality. I honestly made one bad choice, and I spiraled downward. I never promoted, I never went above and beyond or deployed. Instead got married quickly after joining the Navy in 2014, and it turned into a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. Which intern increased my depression and ultimately lead to me finding out after I left the military that I had undiagnosed Bipolar Type II disorder.

Bipolar Type II is no joke. When left untreated your mood swings are magnified, you don't sleep or don't get enough so you're tired all the time. It usually results in you having crippling Anxiety and Depression, which I had both- but were basically acting like a band-aid to the real issue at hand. Couple all that with trying to be a parent and your world can be extremely overwhelming.

However, since being diagnosed with the correct issue, coming to terms with it has been extremely challenging. I remember seeing someone on Facebook I am friends with a girl who posted this exact statement:

I honestly strongly believe that some people should not be allowed to have kids. If you are not emotionally stable, you should not be able to have a kid. If you have not taken a child development class you shouldn't be able to procreate..... It's ridiculous. If you're not responsible... no kids....

It blew me away when I read this. Granted she doesn't have kids, and she is a sweet person over all. But this statement was something that genuinely reconfirmed what I was already thinking in my head. That I didn't deserve to be a mom, that I didn't deserve to be friends with anyone, and it caused me to isolate for a long time pushing out even the last of people that were in my corner. Social media truly has some dark places, and people's true colors come out.

Once the pandemic hit, it truly started a new level of anxiety and depression I hadn't faced before. I already had daily stressors occurring right? Well the universe was like nah... let's top it off with anxiety over the election, a looming divorce, COVID-19, daily zoom calls because your kids can no longer receive critical therapies in school, and wild conspiracy theories on Facebook. The fear of the unknown was killing me daily. And I debated at several points to mentally check out and check myself into a mental health facility. But at the end of the day, I knew my kids needed me and I called the VA and set up therapy appointments via video call.

My therapist was and truly is amazing. We worked on several issues since April of 2020, but the biggest one was establishing boundaries and working on the language that I talk to myself in. I recognized I was using a lot of negative language towards myself. I was talking to myself the way I thought the world looked at me, versus what the actual truth is. That my mind was blowing many things out of proportion. With those self help skills finally in my tool bag, I put them to use at the new town home my kids and I moved into in July of this year.

My neighbors were actually nice, however there was this immediate fear in the back of my head and voice telling me to "not fuck this up". Just be yourself. They don't know you and this is all a new beginning. Even though they all had their own quirks, one person in particular that stood out to me was Hannah. Hannah came off as collected, and was this person who stood on the outside looking in. However the group accepted her as a whole. For the first time in 4 years, I got asked out to a socially distanced girls night, where we all hit it off really well.

One meet up turned into an amazing friendship that has been consistent and solid. We check in on each other daily, and have been openly communicating with our struggles on mental health. I don't know if it's because our astrology signs mix well or if it's something else. But my kids have come to love her as much as I have. Who knew that out of all this craziness that I would meet someone who just genuinely has been there for you, and truthfully continues to be.

She has helped me recognize many things in my life, but ultimately reaffirm that positive talk my therapist mentions all the time. Ultimately Hannah gave me the courage to leave my marriage, and to recognize my self worth, that I deserve better. But more importantly, she helped me see that I could be an amazing mom and not let my mental health take over my whole life. She helped me recognize how important boundaries are. Friends help build you up, and I truly believe that's why Hannah will continue to stay in my life. Because she continues to do this, day in and day out.

Like what you read here? There is more to come! I would appreciate if you contributed a gift below, this allows me to keep my little family afloat.

-Kayla