Love not Hate

Jealousy. Such an ugly and awful emotion. One that I feel regularly. Most of the time it stems from seeing I never had, witnessing a connection that I missed out on. Most of the time it rears its head in the least helpful times. It's hard to explain the pain I feel with it. Even harder to explain why I distance myself in these moments.

I watch my boyfriend with his daughter, and I wish I had the things she has. The things she takes for granted. As a child I wished for someone to come and whisk me away from my life. Someone who love me the most and unconditionally. I searched for that someone for so long, I lost myself in the plight. I should have been looking closer to home. I should have been looking within myself for what I was so desperately searching for. I've spent so long looking for love in all the wrong places that I forgot what real love was.

See I have experienced it before. Real love. Many times over. There’s a time I can remember as a child when I was my mother's everything. Her reason for slogging through each workday. I know my father has love for me and despite our past and differences, is always in my corner. But as we already know, neither parent was perfect in their execution of love. I can remember falling in love for the first time and what it felt like. How beautiful and naive it was. I also remember faking it in my search for what I thought love really was. How I looked for things like money and emotional unavailability. How wrong I was to think those things would make me happy. And yes, I said emotional unavailability. It seems I was seeking the only things I knew. I wish I had seen the light so much sooner.

I've thrown away a good many things in my life. I've made mistakes I can't turn back. I've lost things that I intended to keep forever and I've regretted a great deal of decisions. I can't change the past but from what I've read I can change the path I'm on. Which is what I've been doing for the last two years.

I'm coming up on the anniversary of when I finally took a stand and said no more. No more lies, no more pain, no more being taken for granted. I reached a point where I was no longer myself and almost two years later, I'm still trying to find me. Still working through the mess of the last thirty years and definitely still processing them. My goal is still to heal, but unfortunately, there seem to be many potholes in my path still. Like the jealousy I mentioned earlier. My "daddy issues" seem to be at bay most of the time, but since I haven't exactly dealt with them fully, they escape their box once in a while. In those times of jealousy, I usually retreat into myself. Hoping that by not seeing the thing the thing that triggered me, it will go away. Most of the time it doesn't. It just festers into something worse, in which case I usually say or do something hurtful. Sometimes just disappearing into myself is hurt enough for myself and others.

Like tonight, I secluded myself when the jealousy set in and let myself feel as if Todd and Emma actually did the secluding. Though I felt unwanted and left out, it wasn't the case at all. I chose to not be a part. I have done this before and honestly, it will probably happen again. And while if I hadn't, I may not have written this blog, I missed out spending a little more time with two people I love.

It's hard to reconcile jealousy of an eight year old, but if you've ever gone your whole life wishing you had something, and you watch someone else have exactly that, its so hard not let the green monster in. Yes, I feel weak and slightly childish, but as part of me never fully progressed past childhood, its no wonder these emotions slip in so easily. Taking the time to stop and think through my reaction though has given me the benefit if understanding. It has allowed me to look at things from a different prospective, and see that it's not a bad thing that my boyfriend lives his daughter and does everything he can to show her, it's just something I'm not used to seeing until recently.

My relationship with my father isn't perfect, but he's the only one I've got. We don't see eye to on a lot of things and we definitely don't communicate as often as even I'd like to. Bit I don't know that either of us exactly knows how to cross that bridge. We may both be afraid of the water and if nothing else, it's something we could have in common. I wish I could get all the years back, all the times I missed out on with him, but again, I can't change the past. I can only adjust my future to something more along the lines of what I want. It has taken me giving up old notions, breaking down my own walls, and digging into boxes I'd rather leave closed. But it's part of the healing process. The ugly side that no one talks about. I still make mistakes and I'm still growing, but I know I'm not alone.

So many people suffer from traumas of their past, hurts that were never healed, wrongs that are still not right, I just hope you don't suffer in silence. Don't close yourself off to the people who are only there to love you. It's hard sometimes to recognize the difference when your brain is so hardwired for mistrust, but there's a difference between someone saying I love you and showing you they love you. Don't shut out love just because they love others too and don't let fear hold you back from loving someone all the way. It's not miracle cure, I don't think those exist, but it is helpful in healing and moving forward. I hope you'll always let love in, as long as it's the right kind of love!