The Effects

Let's talk about the effects of trauma. Short term and long term. How the effect people differently and how different traumas effect the same person.

Before Christmas, my family and I were in a car accident. Both my daughters were with Todd and I going to see my dad for the holidays. This evening my daughter and I were making the 30-mile drive between her dad’s house and mine. At every curve in the road, she would yell out turn. For every stopped car or red light, she would yell stop. Ever since the car accident this has been going on and at first, I was frustrated. I hate back seat driving. It wasn't until this trip tonight though that she made the comment, that she was so scared now in the car since the accident. Enough so to make her hyper aware of every little thing going on outside car, much like myself. It was then that my frustration melted away and I saw how effected she was by it all. Still, months later.

I couldn't help but feel connected to her in that moment because we were sharing a reaction to trauma. I also felt sadness because try as I might, I couldn't protect her from trauma. I’ve been through so many traumas in my life already that when the accident happened, I boxed it away with all my other ones. When I stopped and opened that box, it was interesting how many reactions I had to a single event, that I thought I had processed. Watching myself react the same way as my daughter, just in my head instead of out loud, was a chance to understand that I had not yet healed from the accident either. Here we were both hurting from something that neither of us had fully dealt with, and I had no clue until that moment.

My main goal has always been to shield Emma from all that I could, but I can see now that it's not possible to shield her from everything. I have to put aside my pride and helicopter-notions and let her grow and experience. I will still go to any length to protect her from the traumas I experienced as a child and I work every day to not expose her to those. Being a mother is a gift and one I'm not proud to say I have squandered at times. Can that time be made up for? Sadly, no, and it's an ache that I must always live with. That doesn't mean I can't be the best version of me now for her, though. And that includes helping her heal mentally from the accident.

It's not just about the scar I see every day or back seat driving. It's so much more. Its understanding that her brain was rerouted in an area and helping her understand that route and how to navigate it. It's helping her move forward with patience and awareness instead of panic and fear. I may not always have the answer or make the right decisions but when that happens, I can't get hung up on the failure but instead look for the lesson. I'm seeing more and more how every situation is an opportunity for growth and healing. Life can be so tough, but it is also so precious. It will always keep us on our toes, but it will also offer some of the most magical moments.

As we heal, we understand the trauma and how it affected us. As we understand, we grow closer through our shared experience. Though we haven’t fully reached the level of understanding I’m shooting for, we are well on our way. I am learning how to be patient with my daughter as well as myself and give us both the love we deserve. I hope that you are kind enough with yourself to do the same!