Living With Bipolar

The Diagnosis

At preadolescence, I was experiencing these periods of emotions that would seem to come in waves, in no particular order. The gravity of these feelings at the time was too much for my young mind to comprehend what was happening to me. There weren't any signs or events that were or would happen that would have caused these amounts of extreme emotional feelings to occur.

There were days, weeks, even months I was stuck in a depressive state, with no sight of it ever going away, it was horrible. Not understanding, nor being able to help myself out of these states. It was overwhelming there were times that I would lose all hope, motivation was nothing but a word that held no value. Imagine being between the ages of 4–9 years old and dealing with this type of sadness, this is scary and life-changing. Why me? What have I done wrong to be stuck in this endless pit of misery?

Then in the blink of an eye, (once again, with no particular reasoning) I would spring into action with the energy of ten horses! The feeling was exhilarating, hyper as can be, and full of endless amounts of energy and joy. “Oh boy! my prayers have been answered,” I think to myself with this spontaneous switch to my mental status. Im Happy!!! Once again this emotional overwhelmingness of extreme joy would last for what seems to me, forever. What more could a young boy ask for than to have the utmost positive mood, energy, motivation, and sense of belonging! Obviously, I did not question this, I just when with it, what child wouldn't?

Unfortunately, this happiness was short-lived, and back to no sense of hope showered over me. These cycles seemed to be spontaneous and have no certain order or timing to them in my life. That was it! Time to go to the doctors and figure out what's going on! After a few visits and tests that they ordered to be done on me, as well as an overnight brain activity evaluation we received the long-awaited answer to the sudden switcharoo that was going on with my emotions. “Bipolar”… those words cut like a knife, to my young mind this to me meant I was “broken”, but little did I know this would end up being the start of a very powerful journey.

The Cycle

“When your up your sky high, when your low, theres absolutely nothing you can do”.

The height

When times are good, oh man are they good! There seems to be nothing that can break your stride. The only way to go is up! So full of motivation and determination it seems unreal one person can hold so much emotion. You feel as though you are unstoppable, you can overcome anything life throws your way.

In these times you'll tend to want to soar to new heights, do new things. There is no limit to what you’re able to accomplish! You may even pick up a new hobby, or find a new interest in which you are head over heels about. Life is great! You’re the best you, you tend to be able to overcome and break new boundaries with great ease! Has any else ever felt this way? It's amazing, isn't it? In a way, I wish everybody on this planet was able to have at least this mental state.

Everyone notices it in you, they tell you how awesome you are, and how awesome you are doing and to keep up the good work. You take this to heart and are overwhelmed with joy, this is the best feeling ever! We hope and pray it never strays away from us. We find ourselves accomplishing and being productive in a way that we never knew to be possible. The sky is the limit…… I think not when these emotions occur, you feel as if you’re able to break through the sky and soar into space, or maybe even past that! There's no stopping you.

Lower than low

Just like the immense feelings of joy, motivation, and dedication you feel when your up, the lows hit you just as hard if not harder. There's no explanation nor understanding this feeling is here, and it's here to stay. Lose of all hope, motivation, and feeling helpless is you’re “new”.

Where did it come from? How long will this last? Why? Anyone suffering in silence has most likely pondered in their mind these questions when these new lows crash down on us. I know I sure have, and I would NOT wish these feelings on my worst enemy! It's hard to get out of bed, you see no point in trying anymore. Even to some extremes, we contemplate suicide, with no real value to what happened. left in an array of distress and confusion we try to pull ourselves out, but regardless of how much we try nothing seems to prevail.

Oh, what a ride we are in for, the never-ending battle of good and evil (Joy & sadness) and even sometimes extreme anger for days, weeks, and in some cases MONTHS! The only thing able to do is to hold on to hope and we are barely able to keep on to that. As we/I get more aware of our disorder we begin to be able to understand and recognize the vicious endless cycle of its nature. Unfortunately, this cycle is never-ending, we are stuck with this disorder, it's a life sentence. But wait, yes we are committed to a life sentence to this disorder, but who says we are unable to cope and be ok through all of this?

I for one surely was not going to live my life in constant despair and anguish! Oh no not I, and I know a lot who suffer in silence along with me have the same thought, “I may not be able to get rid of this but there must be a way I'm able to come into control of my disorder! That my friends are a real truth I set out to help anyone like myself who is going through this disorder come to awareness!

Breaking Through

"Some solutions to our problems"

Self Awareness vs. Medication

Self-Awareness

Now, this personally is what has helped me, it may not be for everyone. Through my “Life-Sentence” I have begun to analyze and evaluate my own thought process. Slowly but surely being able to recognize different things in my nature that contribute to how this endless progressive cycle behaves. Pay attention to the “little” aspects of yourselves, this will help you tremendously in the long run!

Like anything in life, the more you put into it the greater your outcome will be. I know it sounds ironic, but it is the bare naked truth of our situation. Take the time to put in the effort, focus! You can do this! Our minds are so magnificent we tend to neglect that. Only roughly around 3% of our mental capacity is reached, well my friends tap into as much as you can!

The more we take accountability and train our minds the more we will be able to understand and comprehend ourselves. We need to TRY! Dont give into this “Beast”, dont allow it to control you. Control it! Through small exercises and time, everything takes time, you and I alike won't have to be in constant fear and suffering! Please I recommend giving complete and utter awareness of yourselves a shot, it's what has changed my life for the better! But I do understand in some cases being aware within itself is simply not enough, there are other options and methods to our disorder if this is the routine you decide to take.

Medication

When my mother and I found out that I was bipolar I myself was placed on medication to try and assist and help with the cycles of torture. I have been prescribed Prozac at that time. Now Im not telling you this is a, one pill fixes all, and Im also not a doctor, I’m only able to speak from my experiences in life.

At the time this medication seemed to be helping me to a degree, the cycles weren’t disruptive to my life. But to me, it came at a cost. I noticed my personality wasn’t the same. I wasn’t really eating too much anymore either. Honestly, it was as if I was living my life on autopilot. I felt zombie-like, yes the cycles have become under control, but at what cost?

Right then and there I made a conscious decision to not take medication anymore and find new ways without the pharmacy. Now dont get me wrong here, Im not against nor telling anyone they should or should not take medication this is my own personal experience with it and it just wasn't for me. Many may have similar reactions from taking medications, that's for you to tell, Im here to share my experience and that's all.

Once again I’m not a doctor and any taking of medication should be discussed with a professional! There are a lot of good medications out there that have great benefits and effects on many people! If you feel as if medication is what is needed for your case, then I would strongly urge you to see a professional and start the process!

I write this article with the hopes and prayers of all who are battling mentall illness and through sharing my experience hope that I’m able to bring a sence of hope, and success. My purpose is to spread awareness to as many people as I’m able to with nothing but generiousity and love for you all! This topic is one that not many are willing to touch on and that to me says something about our society, as long as I have the ability to write and spread hope, love and faith to this world I will rightfully do so!

With much love.........