Living With Anxiety

Chapter 1

Life Before

I didn’t always have anxiety. I used to love getting out away from the house, taking car trips for the weekend, working, and playing with my kids. I really can’t say when it actually started only that one day a few years ago, it got way worse. But that is for later in the story.

Car Trips

After my divorce, I can remember me and my daughter and usually a friend or two, would jump in the car on the weekend and just drive. These trips were amazing! We went to the Grand Canyon, the Petrified Forest, Alpine, and Sedona, just to name a few places. We would be gone the entire weekend and come home on Sunday to get my kids ready for school the next week. These trips hold many dear memories for me. One such memory is my birthday about 10 years ago. My kids, my best friend Josh, and I went to the White Mountains and then to Sedona. Josh past away shortly after that but he lives on in that memory and many more that we shared. The point is when someone wanted to go somewhere I was the first one to raise my hand. Most of the time I even drove us there and back. It was so much fun and of course, the kids loved it. They got to see so many different places.

Full time Work

Before anxiety struck, I worked a full time job at Walmart. I worked there for eight years. I was a support manager overnights for 4 years of that time. I can tell you, I hated my job, but I was there every day I was supposed to be. I would work 10 – 12 hours a night, sleep for three, I was going to school, and trying to raise my kids on my own. Can you say sleep deprived? Yes, I was very sleep deprived at this time in my life. But I wouldn’t change it. That job allowed us to leave every weekend, pay the rent, and other bills. Things were good. Life was good.

Kids and Life in General

I was in a good place at that time. Life was almost easy. You see, I was diagnosed with Depression at around age 16. I tried to kill myself and ended up in the hospital. But by the time of my divorce, my depression was pretty much under control and didn’t bother me much anymore. I don’t know that I could say I was cured, but I still don’t think that is the case. Maybe just in remission. I have had a few bouts of depression since then, but nothing as bad as when I was a teenager. When my Aunt Sharon passed away, that is when all hell broke loose. I had to quit my job, move in with my father, and seek help.

Chapter 2:

Life During

After my Aunt Sharon passed away, I ended up in the hospital again. I didn’t try to kill myself, but that is what the doctor claims I said. After getting out, I worked for a short time, but found that I couldn’t concentrate on much of anything. I ended up quitting my job and moving about 60 miles from where I was, back into my father’s house. Now, I had not lived with either of my parents (they divorced when I was 16) since I was about 17, so this was a BIG adjustment for all of us.

The Beginning

The anxiety seemed to come on pretty slowly. One day I would leave the house and get about half way to my destination and I would have to pull over because I couldn’t go any further. Another time I was on the freeway and was overcome with a terrible feeling of dread. Needless to say, I had to get off the freeway right then. Another time, driving with my dad, I had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to get out of the car, RIGHT NOW! It got to the point that I had a very hard time even leaving the house.

It was around this time that I met my husband now, Aarron. Because of my anxiety, I almost messed things up between us. It was a 30-mile drive for him to come out to my place or for me to go to him. Can you see the problem? He was always having to come out here because I couldn’t make the drive. Of course, I didn’t tell him that. I was ashamed that I couldn’t make the drive. I didn’t think that he would understand. I was wrong.

Getting Help

I finally realized that I needed help with this. I think the tipping point was when I thought I was having a heart attack. My dad called the paramedics out. They could find nothing! I was having chest pains, a hard time breathing, and feeling like I was going to pass out at any minute. According to all their machines in the ambulance, I was fine. My heartbeat was a little fast, but not to the point of worrying them. They hooked me up to a heart monitor for a few to see if I was showing signs of heart trouble, and nothing. My blood pressure was even pretty close to normal. There was nothing wrong with me.

So, this made things worse. It’s all in my head. No one can find anything wrong so why do I feel like I am dying? My doctor prescribed a medication for me and gave me a referral to the mental health clinic. Now, if you know anything about anxiety, it is a cyclical condition. Everything builds on what is before. It can start out as something small, but before long the world is ending. And it only gets worse from there.

Once I got into the mental health clinic, the first thing they did was start with medication and counseling. The first few medications they put me on did not work. One even went so far as to make it worse. You see, the thing with medications is that they don’t work the same for everyone. What works for me, may not work for you and vice versa. So, throughout this I will not mention any of the names of the medications I tried.

The counseling was ok. I think it worked better for dealing with my depression than it did for my anxiety. The problem was, we just couldn’t figure out what was triggering my anxiety. And therein lies the problem. So I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). What this means is that just about anything could and many times does set off my anxiety. My counselor recommended a group therapy called mindfulness. At first, I didn’t think it was going to help at all, but little by little, it did.

Mindfulness is a type of meditation. Now, I know what you are thinking about this; meditation? Really? And I will say yes! This is not the type of meditation where you have clear your mind and think about nothing because Lord knows, I would not have been able to do this. In mindfulness meditation, the first step is just to take 5 minutes out of your day for meditation. You focus on your breath. When other thoughts come into the mind, you acknowledge them and then go back to your breath.

This was taught in an 8-week class with different types of meditations for different types of relaxation. Of the 8 types of meditation, I think my favorite was for the entire body. As you are focusing on your breath, you begin to switch that focus to different parts of your body starting from the feet and work your way up to your head. You relax each part and listen to what it is telling you. I don’t mean by this that your leg or your ear will actually talk to you, but you listen for pain, comfortable feelings, or nothing at all. You acknowledge what your body telling you. You release the stress and tension in that body part and you don’t move on until that body part is relaxed and has told you all it has to tell you. There are several videos on YouTube showing this type of meditation.

After about 3 months of counseling, medication, and meditation I started to have some better days. I was able to drive myself to the clinic again and slowly get out of the house again. To this day, I still have some trouble driving any kind of distance (I live 20 miles from the nearest grocery store!), but I can get out a little. Also being a passenger in the car doesn’t seem to bother me as much anymore either.

Chapter 3:

Life With

Today, things are slowly getting back to normal, or at least as normal as can be. Yes, I still have anxiety, but I have more good days than bad now. I am still on medication which does help to keep the good days more often. I have not gone back to work yet, but that is not because of the anxiety. That is because I am at home helping my dad who is 81.

Kids

My husband and my kids are the center of my life right now. Most of my kids are grown, but I still have one living at home. We have managed to get back into camping and we are teaching my husband how to fish (can you believe his first fishing trip was in 2015?). We have taken a couple trips such as Douglas and Oklahoma. I did pretty well, we didn’t have to stop at all because of my anxiety, only for gas and breaks.

Home

I take care of the house now. You know the normal stuff, dishes, laundry, cooking. I am also caring for my dad who is 81 and dealing with health issues. So, in my free time (yes, I know, what’s that?) I started a blog at homeandlovingit.com which talks about my dealing with anxiety and the rest of life. Plus, I am also going to school right now and have about 3 months left. Can you guess my major? Psychology. I guess I want to try to help others the way I was able to get help when I needed it.

Dealing

I think that I am dealing pretty well now. I still have bad days but they seem to be fewer and farther between now. I no longer go to the mental health clinic for my medication, but rather my primary care doctor handles it now. This has also been a big help because I still do have trouble driving. I don’t have to go in to the doctor’s every month like at the clinic. I only have to see her every six months unless there is a problem.

Occasionally the medication will stop working as well and we have to try something new again. I guess the body gets used to them after a while. I’m not sure that I will go back to work at this point what with my dad and all but we shall see. I feel like I could now which I think is a good thing.

Help

Help is a good thing. Helping others and helping yourself. I am slowly learning that I cannot do it all by myself. My husband works with me on this one all the time. I am so used to being the only one around so I just had to figure it out. It’s hard after being single for six years to begin to rely on someone else again. Especially when in the past it hasn’t happened. The one you are supposed to rely on just doesn’t seem to care. But anyway, this is something I am working on. My husband does everything he is able to and more, I just have to remember there is someone there that I can ask for help when I need it.

Support

I think the biggest thing when dealing with any mental illness (and anxiety is no different) is support. It’s hard to deal with this when there is no one there that you can talk to. I know, that’s how it was for me when this all first started. My husband (I met him right near the beginning of this) though, has been amazing. I can talk to him and he “gets it” which is something I really can’t say for a lot of others. I hear all the time “just get over it” or “what are so scared about anyway?”. Like we have a choice to be this way. I wish it were a choice! I would not choose this for anyone. It is, however, the hand I was dealt. The only thing I can do is work toward getting better. That’s all anyone can do really. Find the things you are thankful for or feel blessed because of and hold on to them. That’s what makes life worth living.

If you have a family member who is dealing with mental illness, just remember it is not a choice they made, it just happens. You may not be able to understand what your loved one is going through but if you just listen and give them a hand when you can, it will mean the world to them. I wish I could tell you it will go away, but I can’t. I can tell you that with love and support, their life will be better for it.