Living with Anxiety

A few weeks ago, I posted a video about anxiety on my Facebook timeline, with a little note explaining why and what the differences were between me and the guy in the video. Almost immediately afterwards a now ex-friend of mine responded with the words "Irrelevant. You thrive on this melodrama. Utter poo." Now, I don't for a minute think that everyone thinks or feels this way — that was a very extreme response. But what I have noticed is that whilst depression as a mental health condition is gradually gaining more public awareness, although a lot of prejudice and ignorance still exists; public knowledge about anxiety as a mental health condition is lagging behind.

So I am writing this article for the benefit of those who don't suffer from anxiety themselves but who have friends who do, or would simply like to find out more. In other words, I am trying to raise awareness. Anxiety can be as debilitating as depression or as any other physical ailment, but generally speaking I have found that most people simply don't know what it's all about.

"So you worry about stuff?"

Yes, essentially. Although not in the way you might expect. Everyone worries — it's part of being human. Will I get to work on time? Have I been paid yet? Why is my friend not texting me back? Where did I put my keys? These are common worries and we all experience them. This in itself is not anxiety with a capital "A." Anxiety as a condition goes much deeper than that.

First of all, anxiety very rarely exists alone. It usually accompanies some other mental health condition or trauma, sometimes multiple ones. This is because anxiety is an after-effect of severe trauma or other mental illnesses. Anxiety develops as a survival mechanism in extreme situations. So the problems which I am about to describe will be happening in addition to plenty of other pain and struggles throughout every day life of the person who has the condition. In fact, it may not even be the worst problem that they have. Bear that in mind as you read.

Secondly, everyone is different. The basic symptoms will be similar, to a greater or lesser degree, but the way in which those symptoms manifest themselves will be different from person to person. The severity of them will also be different from person to person. Again, bear that in mind as you read.

"So what do you worry about?"

This is a common question put to those who have anxiety, but it is the wrong question to be asking. Basically, anxiety is a combination of three things: a total inability to switch one's brain off EVER (that includes during sleep. Sleep is never restful for someone with anxiety, if they can even sleep in the first place which is often doubtful. Tiredness or exhaustion is a constant companion); an awful lot of self-hatred and fear.

That self-hatred comes into the equation is often a surprise to those who don't suffer from anxiety themselves. But that's what anxiety is for many of us — an extended and compulsive form of beating oneself up after doing something wrong. If we haven't actually done something "wrong," then our brains will find something "wrong" for us. Thus, every human interaction causes us immense stress as we agonise over each minute detail of our own behaviour in order to find the mistakes in it and then criticise ourselves relentlessly (and often subconsciously) for a long time afterwards about it. And if we're not beating ourselves up about some tiny or imagined wrong-doing, then we'll be worrying about the next human interaction we have to face and the potential for mistakes and the painful consequences of those mistakes if we "fail" again.

Coping Mechanisms

In addition to this, we will then find coping mechanisms to help us try and mitigate the constant feeling of being evil or stupid. The coping mechanisms themselves can become part of the problem as they are also compulsive and usually driven by subconscious thought patterns which we are unable to get hold of, or if we are, we find ourselves unable to re-program. The coping mechanisms can involve things like making endless lists of tasks to accomplish — there is a feeling of achievement in ticking items off the list, but instant failure and further internal self-abuse result if any of those tasks remain incomplete by the end of the allotted time-frame. (We can often be very productive people, but our productivity is driven by fear and infinite restlessness).

Another one is the constant checking and re-checking of social media channels or fiddling with one's phone or something else at every spare moment. One reason for this is to distract oneself from the worries or chaos swirling around inside. It also forms a means of instant gratification and personal affirmation. The trouble, of course, is that it becomes an addiction in itself and if we don't receive the personal affirmation that we need then further stress results. Thus, the coping mechanism actually increases anxiety and stress in the long run.

Food is a form of comfort which serves as a hollow replacement for the reassurance of physical affection from another human being or any feeling of safety both internally or externally. Mealtimes can form a structure, a kind of scaffolding, for each day, but internal collapse and intense worry results if those recognisable handholds are withdrawn from the day for any reason.

Fear

Fear and insecurity are the root causes of anxiety as a mental health condition. For many of us, this starts with childhood abuse in which all safety was deliberately removed from us and in which we were actively told that we were evil, repeatedly, thus forming a thought pattern which is very difficult to identify and remove later in life. What a person with anxiety actually fears will vary depending on the original trauma which caused it in the first place. Some examples might be fear of criticism, insecurity about material possessions; a fear of wasting time, fear of travelling or using certain modes of transport, fear of physical or sexual assault, fear of social occasions, and so on.

Anxiety develops as a method of trying to out-think the danger or impending emotional wounds in advance and thus avoid any further hurt. Hence the self-criticism if we miscalculate and get it wrong. Any kind of emotional hurt from a friend — however slight or accidental it may be — wounds us deeply and confirms our own subconscious opinions of ourselves. This will also make us even more fearful next time. Anxiety, unfortunately, can be self perpetuating.

How You Can Help

The case is not hopeless, however, and whilst an established thought pattern (which corresponds to an actual, physical, neural pathway in the brain) can never be "deleted" so to speak, it can be replaced by a newer thought pattern. To do that, though, requires a recognition of what the negative thought pattern is in the first place, it then requires constant vigilance to actively tell oneself a different story every time the old pattern tries to re-assert itself. (This can happen hundreds of times in a day at first, until the foundation of a new habit is formed). Where the person can't understand or get hold of the subconscious thought patterns, therapy is needed. Working through anxiety can add to the exhaustion as one is trying to fight the condition as well as suffering with it at the same time.

If you are friends with someone who has anxiety, you can help first and foremost by not putting them under any more pressure than they are already putting on themselves. That means, don't demand that they turn up to things if they are too exhausted or stressed and don't be annoyed or judgmental towards them if they can't come. It doesn't mean that they don't love you or don't want to be there. It means that human interaction at this point is going to cause them to be even more stressed and exhausted than they are already and they need to get whatever "rest" they can, alone.

Hugs and physical affection are very important. A lack of these, in many cases, is the partial cause of the anxiety in the first place.

Verbal encouragement and reassurance that they are a lovely person is also very helpful. It may take a while for them to start believing it, but don't give up. They will appreciate your love and will start to absorb what you say straight away even if it takes a little while for them to start developing confidence and belief in themselves. If nothing else, when you give them a compliment, it will counteract the subconscious lies that they are plagued with.

Most importantly, an overall attitude of acceptance will be the most beneficial thing that you can do for them. Don't try to fight their anxiety — they are already doing enough of that on their own — just let them be, whatever that means for them right now. In doing so, you will start to make them feel emotionally safe which will help to counteract the anxiety in the most powerful way possible.