Living Past Eighteen

I didn't have a plan for the future. Why plan for a future life that I didn’t think was coming? They wanted you to plan for the future throughout high school. I was asked what I wanted to be in seventh grade. I had an idea, but at that time I wasn’t as sick as I would eventually become. I was completely lost after having a senior year full of turmoil. I knew what was expected of me: attending a four-year college, graduating with honors, and landing a full-time job.

I struggled with undiagnosed bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder all throughout high school (even when I got help I was still diagnosed with depression). Self-harm was my form of escape and I didn't see a future for myself. My room felt like a box that I was locked inside and I rarely left its confines. I missed a bunch of school days my senior year of high school due to not leaving my bed. I didn’t see a point to it all. I didn't care for the future. I didn't even care for myself because, yes, I was suicidal.

Being suicidal as a teenager is weird because those years are supposed to be the best years of your life. I was supposed to be staying out late, making memories with my friends, and making poor life choices that you eventually learn from (as most teens do), but that wasn't in the cards for me. I stayed in my bedroom most nights wishing for a way out of my suffering, and I suffered every single day. I lived those days in fear of what my life was going to become. I say I lived but I wasn’t living. I wasn’t living my life to the fullest. It became the norm and I didn't think I could be helped.

Senior year hit me like a ton of bricks and my depression turned into a horrid depressive episode that lasted from September 2012—February 2013. When I finally got the help that I needed in February, my entire life changed. I saw the light instead of the dark. I wanted to make plans. I wanted to make memories. I wanted a future, but I was so lost. Where do you begin living a life you didn’t think was possible to live?

I had multiple failed recovery attempts from the ages 18-21. I failed at attempting to attend college. I just... failed. I'm 22 years old now and I'm just now figuring out what I want to do with my life. I am in debt, but hopeful for the future. Living an adult life after being suicidal for years as a teen is full of trial and error. You try and you fail because there was never a plan set in place for you. You race to catch up to the kids that didn’t have mental health in high school and had that plan set in place. But life is not a race, and we all go at our own pace.

I'm just thankful to be alive now, and I am thankful to have been suicidal for so long. Thankful for being suicidal? Yes. It opened my eyes to the beauty that is life. It kept me from making poor life decisions in high school. It helps me be able to help others in the same situation. I am able to say that, yes, life goes on. There’s help out there for those who need it. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

There is life after high school. There is life after teenage depression. There's a whole life to live, go live it.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255