Learning Your Warning Signs

Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it. - Helen Keller

Do you know your warning signs?

I guess I should clarify. Ever since I was a teenager, I have been fighting depression. There are stretches of time where everything seems good and I barely notice its dark tendrils, but then there are times that it fully embraces me and yanks it back into its murky depths.

So, I’ve had to learn my warning signs. I had to slow down and pay attention to my body, to my moods, to my actions, to my words, and to my behaviors. If you are currently feeling depression's unwelcome bear-hug, I wish that I could give you some immediate relief to force that monster off of your back. But I can’t.

It took me years to learn what my warning signs are. It took me almost a decade to become truly aware of my what would trigger my anxiety, and even longer to become cognizant of the signs that my depression was rearing its ugly head.

Sign One: A Dirty Sink

My first warning sign that things are starting to take a bad turn is a dirty sink. I know that this probably sounds odd. Sinks get dirty, right? Dishes happen and they can just pile up seemingly out of nowhere.

But, after a few years, I noticed something. Every time that dirty dishes were left unattended for at least a week, I would really feel my depression swallowing me whole about a month later. It didn’t help that each day I would stare at those dishes. I would think about how I should do them. How it would be so easy to at least put them in the dishwasher... But I wouldn’t be able to get myself out of my bed or off of the couch to actually do it. Instead, I would grimace when I looked at them in the sink and try to push the thought aside.

Of course, that could only go on for so long before I completely ran out of my limited supply of silverware.

It takes time to notice your signs. For some of us, we may have several in common. But for many of us, they may be as diverse and original as each of us are. A lot of the time they may be really hard to distinguish, to isolate and point out that ‘yes’ that is a warning sign.

So dirty dishes are my early warning detector. Almost without fail, if I ignore this seemingly small thing, within weeks I will be curled up in my bed feeling completely locked out of my real life and stuffed inside the all-consuming world that depression rules.

Sign Two: Not Reaching Out

Shortly after the sink begins to pile up with dirty dishes, I begin to stop reaching out to the people that I care about. It is almost imperceptible at first. I might ignore a message, or simply not want to open it, for a few hours. But soon, it would be a few days and I won’t have looked to see who texted me. I will ignore calls and just reply ‘I’m busy’.

I would start to shut everyone out.

Now, it’s important to note that right now I usually don’t notice that I am slipping into a hole. I still think that I am doing and feeling fine. It isn’t until the sink is overflowing with dirty dishes and I finally open the mess of unread messages that I truly begin to feel it.

Anxiety. A mountain of anxiety.

It swells up in my chest and fills me to the brim. I have to put my phone down, suddenly intimidated by the messages that I have ignored, cripplingly worried and stressed about the people that I feel that I have let down, and I begin to shut off.

I don’t know if you have ever had a panic attack, but it is terrifying. Logical thought goes out the window and you are consumed by this innate, irrational, fear. Sometimes it felt like my whole body locked up. Sometimes I would cry constantly, while other times I would be frozen and locked inside my most painful memories.

This sign is really hard to hold myself accountable for. But I know that if I don’t reach out for help at this stage, it is about to get truly bad.

Sign Three: Not Washing My Hair

The third big warning sign that I notice before a major depressive episode is that I stop washing my hair. I don’t mean skipping the shower for a day or two, but for several days on end until my hair is noticeably greasy.

Now, here’s the thing, I still take baths and relax in the hot water during that time. But I’ll refuse to stand up, take a shower, and wash my hair. The greasier my hair gets, the worse I start to feel about myself and my physical appearance. The worse I feel about myself, the less and less that I want to shower.

It is a vicious cycle. Not showering makes me feel worse, but then I feel so bad about my looks that I can’t make myself do the thing that would help me feel better the quickest – to simply take a shower.

At this point, dirty dishes have piled up in the sink, I’ve cut off contact from those closest to me, and I have begun to stop caring for myself. The next stage is full-on depression. This is my final warning sign. If I don’t recognize the place that I am in at this point, then I am going to have a really rough time.

Slowing my mind down and reflecting on my behaviors in the few weeks prior to a depressive episode has helped me to find my warning signs. These signs are a not a symptom of weakness or mean that I am any less for having struggles with anxiety and depression. Taking the time to breakdown your behaviors and think through your emotions is a sign of strength and resilience. It is a sign that you want to improve and that you are determined to improve. We all have ups and downs, we all lose some battles, but if we keep fighting and keep trying, we will be the ultimate victors. Knowing our warning signs is a critical step to winning the battles we fight within ourselves.

How to Recognize Your Warning Signs

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. - Helen Keller

Take a moment and pause. It can be really challenging to discover what your warning signs are. We are all unique, with our own quirks, pet peeves, and pleasures. We won’t all be the same.

So close your eyes. Lean your head back and take a deep breath.

And another.

Allow yourself the freedom to go back to the beginning of your last depressive episode. Place your hand on your heart and calm your heartbeat. Try not to allow yourself to slip back into that dark place, but push your mind to the hours, days, and weeks before you realized that the hole had swallowed you.

What do you see?

Slow your mind and think through your behaviors as if you were an outsider watching a movie. Analyze your moves. Did you stop talking to friends? Did you stop doing something you loved? Did you become more pessimistic or angry for seemingly no reason? Did you lash out at those you care about?

Pause. Slow down and allow yourself to process everything as if you were a movie critic. What were the signs that the character was about to spiral?

Don’t let yourself feel shame, because there is no shame in having depression. It is a disease, an illness, an injury, just like a broken bone. It is something we need to diagnose and treat.

Imagine how ridiculous it would be if your bone was sticking out of our bloody leg and you kept trying to walk around on it all day! Everyone would look at you and beg you to go to the doctor and get help.

This isn’t any different. There is no shame in going to the doctor to get help with learning what your warning signs are and processing your depression. Instead, that is a sign of incredible and awe-inspiring strength. It took me years to ask for help. Years before I refused to allow myself to feel shame any longer.

It is time for us to take ownership of our disease and learn the warning signs so we can combat it. If we don't know our warning signs, we will be drowning before we even realize that we are in trouble. We won't have time to engage our support system or to ask for help.

Therefore, it is critical that we take the time and learn our signs so that we can engage the support that we need before we are deep within the hole.

Reach out. Text that friend at the very first sign. Call your doctor or therapist and ask for an appointment. Call a hotline. I know that it can feel like no one cares, but they do. That can be a challenging thing to remember, and I still struggle with it at times, but it is so very important.

Sometimes all we need is someone to just sit there and be with us, to listen to us, to help stave off the worst of the dark waves that threaten to swallow us whole.

But we can only do this if we know the signs. If we reach out. If we choose to fight, and we don't choose to suffer alone.

Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much. - Helen Keller

We are not alone. You are not alone. Learn the signs, reach out, and ask for help. Allow someone to be there beside you and never, ever feel ashamed.

We are strong. We are bold. We can do this.