Learning to accept that I have a brain injury

I have had the longest time admitting that I have a brain injury. These injuries are supposed to just go away with time aren't they? People keep telling me it's just like a muscle, just work it out and it'll be fine. Everyone's a professional when they talk to you about health but the problem is that the recovery of the brain is totally different from everything else. I have seen the signs but never really thought I actually had anything wrong with me until now.

January of 2019 I was in a bad car accident that had totaled my car. I took months to recuperate from that accident. Surprisingly, I only suffered damages to my arm as one of the nerves down my neck prevented my arm from being as mobile as it once was.

Once I fully recovered from that injury in November 2019 I got into another accident. This time I was riding my bike home and a car ran into me. This was a serious accident. I was put into the hospital again but for a longer period of time.

I had a whole slew of injuries but the worse impact was that my skull was fractured and there was bleeding in my brain in two different spots. Like many people with this type of accident, I had a huge concussion. I was puking, confused, dizzy and had horrible headaches. Still I was trying to tough it out and thought it would go away no problem.

A month later I tried to go to work thinking it wouldn't be a problem. I had a ton of projects that were being delayed with my absence. I was also due for a promotion at work and I feared that I would lose my opportunity if I wasn't at work. So I forced myself to go to work and it was a really bad decision.

I immediately started sweating for no reason. It could have been a panic attack starting up but I thought nothing of it. My headaches started coming in and when people started talking to me words and phrases weren't coming to my head. I haven't really have a ton of different conversations while I was home trying to recuperate so I wasn't aware that I had a problem.

I remember being extremely frustrated when I couldn't talk. It was really out of character for me but I was getting emotional because I couldn't verbalize what was in my brain. It was nothing I've ever experienced before. Fear started to set over me and I didn't know what to do. Needless to say I had to leave the workplace and go to the doctor.

My doctor prescribed some sleeping pills to help me rest my brain more. She also gave me a note for more days off work. The headaches, nausea and confusion continued to hit me. I still wanted to integrate back to work though. So after a month I started doing half days at work to see if I could get myself back into the groove of things.

A series of unfortunate things had happened and I didn't know why. People were asking me all sorts of questions because they were concerned for me. I was laughed them off. At the time I didn't really care and thought I was fine. The idiot I was I started to take on more hours at work.

Not too long later the global pandemic started and I was stuck at home again. I started working at home. I thought I was fine since my headaches haven't hit me for a while. This has to mean I've gotten a lot better or maybe fine again? I honestly thought I was recovered.

Fortunately the concussion specialist finally contacted me after 5 months. This is a long time for a concussion specialist to make their first assessment of a person experiencing a concussion isn't it? I thought they did it because they'd get less patients since they've already recovered.

They gave me a series of tests to test my memory, motor skills and language due to the portion of my brain that was damaged. I couldn't believe how hard it was to do some of the tests. My headache was starting to hit me again and my speech was getting messed up. The confusion started to set in and I was getting worried. No way, I still have the symptoms... They told me that I should decrease the amount of time I spend at work because they're going to give me brain exercises.

It was even bad enough for them to prescribe me new pills for my mood swings. I had no idea I was this bad because I honestly thought I was okay. Worried, I started asking people if I they had noticed that I changed since the accident. Some of them confirmed what the doctors were telling me.

Soon I some memories started being triggered in my head. I started to understand why some of the problems that I've experienced happened. I've been removed from myself and I didn't even know it. Putting a distance to people has never been my thing but I had lost my motivations for a lot of things without realizing it. It didn't help that the concussion had affected my short term memory.

I've repeated things that I didn't even realize. Trying to pay for things twice, asking the same questions over and over and I had no idea. I felt even worse because I know I've probably pushed a lot of people away because of my behavior. I had no idea I was in such a bad situation until the doctors did their test.

I honestly thought this concussion would have been gone within a few months. No one can really tell when a concussion will go away. It's different for everyone. I just want to get my life back but I know it's not going to be the same. This is going to be another test of patience. I have to give myself time to recover instead of pushing myself again.

I think I've learned that despite the fact I thought I was tough enough to recover from anything I just can't. Sometimes I have to be honest with myself and really listen to people. They're the key to understanding if I have something wrong with me. There are tons of clues but I wasn't really listening. I've finally awoken only after the test I received from my doctor. I'm glad they woke me up but I wish they told me a lot earlier.