LIfes not a dream sweetheart

My mental health is bad at present, mainly a pile up of too many things at once. I know "join the club" , this is just my version of my present reality. One aspect I want to touch on is a part I don't really understand, dreams. These seem first of all to be worse when I am bad , strangely they also seem to be more vivid and memorable.

I am not sure if this is down to content, mental state or the anti depressants. The last time I was on them I remember the bad dreams being as bad as I have ever known. In fact I remember from 20 years ago once being stabbed in a dream and once being shot. With the stabbing I recall being followed, cornered by some one I didn't know and then slashed at by a knife. I fell and recall looking up as people crowded around me. The world faded around me and I woke suddenly.

For the shooting I was in a series of passageways, possibly in a warehouse. I was again being followed and trying to hide from someone. I still recall looking up and seeing the person shoot me. This time the world went black quickly and in my dream I died.

I am sure I heard that dreams are based on what's floating round in your consciousness near sleep time and the last thing you think about as you fall asleep should be your dream. I could have watched a program before bed with these scenarios being shown but no idea why I became the subject. As I have major trouble settling to bed I tend to day dream my self to sleep. I haven't day dreamed about being shot though.

I also remember as a child having a recurring dream about an impending plane crash that was unfolding above me. Panicking people were jumping from the plane as it went over, as the plane slowed and went into a dive. I never saw the impact but had the identical dream a few times. I was too young to really have mental health problems, had never flown, had little tv because of the year and there was no internet. So how did this thought get into my head?

There are occasionally some nightmares with some content that makes sense. My ex wife appears occasionally, she's responsible for most of my problems the first time I had a breakdown. I am getting married soon and perhaps this is why she has started to reappear.

I have learnt over time to wake up, open eyes to reset and usually go back to sleep. Unfortunately some dreams come straight back and carry on. I have even tried to nap and within seconds of dropping off a dream occurs. Not all the bad ones stick but I wake tired or struggle to sleep a lot so presume theirs disruption somewhere. I also presume there might be nice dreams somewhere but they disappear as soon as a wake usually. The worst is when I have a decent dream, good company in it or things going well and i get woken.

I am a very light sleeper and so wake if a passing pigeon sneezes . My girlfriend is often the cause as she tends to twist and turn, often during her own horrible dreams. Hers while equally nasty tend to have some logic. Her father needs heart surgery so she dreams of him collapsing with a heart attack. Her mum needed brain surgery and had to wait a few months to have an aneurism removed. So during the waiting period she dreamed her mum collapsed before the operation was done.

If there was a definite way to control dreams I would be first to try it. I fall asleep day dreaming of being a famous and rich author, a scenario never dreamt about. I remember snippets of dreams involving playing music and sport. I listen to music a lot but cant play anything so this is logical. I played sport to an okay level but never got as far as I would have liked so this makes sense as well. It would just be nice if these were the dreams that stuck and got repeated some more.

I have the job I have always wanted, I am about to be married to my much younger girlfriend so these positives are trying to balance the bad stuff. My mum and future father in law require surgery, my fiancé is suffering under the pressure, my son is having problems where he lives and real life keeps happening. We will carry on and hopefully make each other better and hopefully sweet dreams will start. At least they might beat the bad ones back for a change.