Not Counting Down to Christmas

by ASHLEY SMITH 9 months ago in family

Not the happiest time of the year

Not Counting Down to Christmas

This is just me possibly, but I am not happily counting to Christmas. I am not a fan usually, but this year is possibly worse. My mental health is bad at present, which doesn't help. I am not religious, but I am beginning to wonder if it is all commercial. It starts in October and seems to go on forever. I admit giving in to the mince pies with use by dates weeks short of Christmas.

When I was young and my kids were young as well, it was good, but as a grown-up, not so much. It was also my ex wife's birthday on Christmas, which also didn't help as she wanted the focus on her. So the countdown was more for her then for anything else—even the interminable adverts seemed to be for her. When I left her and the kids, Christmas meant little. It used to be her birthday and two days of work.

After that, within a few relationships, there were younger kids involved so we had decorations and presents but I was still going through the motions. I would happily leave decorations 'til the last moment and presents in a corner 'til the last second. During times I lived alone I didn't decorate at all. Some TV was good as there were one-off specials.

At present, I am a few inches from a breakdown and so even less looking forward to the festivities I will be surrounded with. Christmas lights are up and shops are decorated all around me already. The TV adverts are starting, with all the fuss about who's done the best.

My struggles are based around numerous family members being ill and money worries. I had a breakdown during my time with ex-wife, and think I am heading there again. Perhaps I am stuck in a loop as I am worried about the breakdown, and that's probably dragging me closer, a depressive quicksand.

I don't know why this year is worse than ever and why I am getting ill. Last time the job was crap and the relationship was collapsing. This time I am in the best job I have had and the relationship is brilliant. Probably the "here I go again" feeling is the problem, and then Christmas as well.

My job is in a religious charity care home and there is a massive build-up to the day. This won't help me, but I have to get through it. To be honest all I am looking forward to is the family get-together on boxing day, which means it's nearly all over.

I have got most presents already to get it over with; brothers and sister are getting family presents, so I don't have to worry over individual ones. I will do my best to seem happy for my fiancé, my son and for work, but most of it will be false. Fiancé's birthday is shortly after Christmas, so I will look forward to then more.

The anti-depressants should help, but otherwise will be counting down to two days after Christmas. For those who enjoy it for religious or commercial reasons, good luck and enjoy. For those like me that don't like it for any reason, then wait 'til it's over and presume the countdown is for others. Maybe find something else to count down to, something after Christmas.

Have a few presents, a few drinks and soon it will be over. At least until next September or October if I am lucky. I will play the required role with my nephew and nieces, with my son and my fiancé, but inside I will be counting down the minutes 'til it's over. Bah humbug 'til the end.

Read next: Never In the Cover of Night

England based carer, live with girlfriend. will write for all areas but especially mental health and disability. though as stuff for filthy seems popular will try there too

See all posts by ASHLEY SMITH