Jewel

I sit here alone in my lounge typing. I'm always alone unless I meet the other women for coffee once a week. I'd rather be alone than get involved and fall in love again, just to get hurt. 6 months ago, I was in love with the man who I thought was the man of my dreams. It was bliss for two months and I had everything I had ever dreamed of, or I thought I did until reality crept up on me. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, see my female friends or talk to males. I had to clean the house until it was spotless, and the only time I was allowed to speak was when he spoke. I was his maid and I was made to bow down to him in ways I now know to be wrong. Hell! I even had to ask for a bath and was only allowed to eat what he said I could. Ever since that day, I have been in the tornado of torment that plays in my mind. I am afraid to be loved.

I get up and go into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. "You're NOT using that cup. I will say it again! You are NOT using that cup! I hear the words echo through my head like he is still in the room, though he is not here. Out of anger, I slam the cup down hard and it breaks and cuts my hands. I fall to the floor crying. I am shaking and sweating, and I feel as if all the air has been sucked out of my breath. I was only allowed to use cups he had set for me, but they were small and flimsy, barely adult-like at all. They were not allowed to have pictures on them either, and the cup I had pulled out was a large white cup with a heart on it. I liked that cup, but the echo of the voices booming inside my head had terrified me, and out of fear I had now broken it. Pulling myself together, I go to the bathroom and wash my face several times, and I settle for a plain cup for my coffee, as using a patterned cup would trigger me again.

The phone rings, but I am reluctant to answer it. I know deep down it won't be him, but my mind told me otherwise. I spend over 20 minutes contemplating it, but the ringing stops. Suddenly there is a knock on my door, jolting me to my feet in a panic. I am too scared to answer it, although my wise mind tells me that it is my friend. I am shaking again and I feel like I have a sea of angry waves in my stomach. I take a deep breath and answer it, breathing a sigh of relief to see my friend Suzie stood there.

"You look like shit!" Suzie tells me. I shrug it off, not knowing how to explain today's events.

"I-I-I'm sorry Suzie," I reply shaking and almost in tears. I try to hold them back because I know I'm a baby if I cry. It becomes too much, and I flood apologizing, embarrassed, and ashamed.

"Let's put the kettle on, you need a chat. What on earth have you done to your hand?" I get asked. I don't know how to answer, and I feel the bile rising in my stomach, making me want to vomit after the events of earlier in that kitchen. Without saying anything, I run to the toilet.

While I am in there, Suzie is stood outside my door, banging on it franticly.

"Jewel! Are you okay? Please answer me.

No reply...

"Jewel please, I just need to know."

"I'm fine," I say between the heavy tears falling down my cheek.

At this moment, I shut off every emotion I have. When I finally come out of the bathroom, I act as if nothing has happened. I simply smile and decide we are going to a cafe.

"As long as you are okay," Suzie says with concern.

I don't respond. I am emotionless and numb. Suzie tries to hug me and I push her away, jumping a mile. She is worried because she doesn't know my story of abuse, and I don't want to tell her, for fear of being shamed. I hide my feelings, even in the cafe we enter, smiling nervously at every man who passes me, just so my feelings do not come out. In the cafe, I start to panic, echoes from my past going through my head. A really handsome man who was sat opposite me smiles at me, "You are NOT to talk to him. If you do, you'll face the consequences." runs through my head as if my ex is standing in front of me. Pictures of his angry face appear in my mind, and I feel the wrath of bruises from past punishments, so I get up from the table without saying a word and head outside.

Suzie follows me, she looks scared and confused.

"What is wrong with you Jewel? Every time a man pays attention to you, you run scared. I've told you to get over it several times. You need to move on!"

I stare at her quietly, feeling stigmatized, as if I am looked down on as a child for my feelings. How am I supposed to tell her what has happened? What if my friends are embarrassed by it? What if they question my feminity for not standing up for myself?.

Suddenly I want to go home. I used to be that loving, caring, and flirty person everybody talked about, but I am no more. I don't like getting close to men and the idea of falling in love scares me. I have many female friends, but I also worry that they will abuse me, so I keep my circle short and keep my walls up.

When I get inside my flat, another voice comes into my head. "What are you? dirty? You never clean up, get cleaned up now! And the man at the bar? You are MINE you filthy slut!"

I start to shake, and my breathing quickens. I am sweating, unable to speak. I start to panic more as I desperately try not to let Suzie see. Impulsively and out of nowhere, I franticly check my windows and my doors, scrub myself clean and clean the flat over and over again, desperate to feel safe.

Suzie thinks that this is a routine for me, and I don't care. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, in fact, the more I keep this to myself, the fewer people will see I am a coward. And that is what I really think of myself. I'm a coward for every blow, letting him rule me and for not leaving him straight away.

I am cleaning the bedroom when Suzie walks in.

"Jamie is here. He wants to see you." She calls from the hallway.

I'm not ready to face a man, and I don't want to see my female friends. Many of the female friends I had before I was abused had deserted me after we had broken up. They saw my ex, Ryan, as handsome, charming and friendly, because he was like that until we were behind closed doors. Suzie thought we had split because we wanted different things. I didn't want to tell her anything else because I was scared that she would go too. The thought of Jamie stood on my doorstep made me feel sick to my stomach. I'd always thought of him as a friend, but what if I let him in and he hurt me too? I started thinking every man was the same, and I no longer trusted any other female but Suzie.

"I'm busy!" I called from the bedroom, not wanting to be seen and not wanting to come out.

"All housework has been done Jewel since you have cleaned the flat up 8 times over."

"I said I'm busy," I reply, agitated.

Suzie is frustrated now, she doesn't know what to do. I don't know what to do! I'd rather be alone than getting hurt.

Jamie suddenly calls from the door.

"Are you ok Jewel? We haven't seen you for weeks, and we are all worried about you."

I freak out.

"Stay the fuck away from me!" I blurt, unable to control it.

I am sat on the bed and every flashback from my past relationship is playing like a film in my head. I start to cry, then I scream.

"HELP ME!" I shout from my bedroom. Suzie comes running to the door.

I start to see men instead of her, then I see women laughing at me. I am now shaking uncontrollably, and crying uncontrollably. Suzie tries to ask me if I am okay, and I ignore her and push her away. She brings Jamie into the room, and I avoid him at all costs. Finally, I stop crying and thinking I can trust them, I say:

"I WAS ABUSED BY RYAN."

They both stare at me in disbelief, just like everyone else did when I spoke out. I am a mess, I've lost weight, I'm in tears and I have bags under my eyes. Suzie tries holding me.

"Don't fucking touch me!" I cry.

"It's okay. we believe you." Suzie reassures me.

Those were words I wanted to hear, but it took me seven years to come to terms with what had happened to me. After seven lonely years of walking the path alone, I took help, and I was able to slowly rebuild my life. I then married Jamie.

If my story rings true to you, please get the help you need and remember you are never alone. Talk to a friend, and search out the hotlines and refuges in your area. Abuse can be a scary thing, and while the characters in this story are fiction, it plays out a true experience I was involved in.

Remember 'You don't have to walk the path alone.'

If you like this article, you might like to read:

https://vocal.media/psyche/it-takes-time-to-over-come-an-abusive-past-when-history-repeats-itself

https://vocal.media/motivation/i-am-now-learning-to-live-comfortably-after-trauma

https://vocal.media/humans/i-found-love-in-a-psychiatric-hospital

I love writing, and I have written many articles based on personal experience to help people through abuse. These articles have helped me grow and put the abuse behind me after many long years of torment. I can now approach adult articles and sex stories with a different mindset, and I am able to talk to men and women without fear. Never-less, it still takes a lot out of me to write stories that express what I have gone through, but stories like the ones listed here are designed to help people. Hearts show me that you care about this topic, and of course it is optional, but I do truly appreciate tips which go towards my research and writing materials, and thankyou for reading my story.