Is Your Overly Agreeable Nature a Trauma Response?

Saying ‘No’ Causes Me Anxiety

I had to say ‘No’ to my ex-husband yesterday. He asked me if my 14-year-old could start riding his bike to school from his house. There are no sidewalks or bike lanes in this part of the city. It’s pitch black in the morning when he’d have to leave, and the neighborhood my ex-husband lives in doesn’t have any street lights. Plus, my son would have to ride down a very busy road part of the way.

I usually struggle to form strong opinions about anything, however, in this case, I absolutely did not agree. (Although my initial response to my ex-husband was more like, “I don’t know….Maybe that’s not a good idea.”)

When he tried to dismiss my reasoning and almost bully me into changing my mind, I finally responded with, “No.”

And then I tried not to throw up.

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Today, I have a sensation of burning guilt in my stomach and my anxiety is sky-high. Should I just agree? Am I being unreasonable? Are my ex and my son mad at me now?

I’m not sure I’ve ever put my foot down like this with my ex-husband in the seven years we’ve been divorced. Typically, I just agree.

Because I’ve been agreeable my whole life.

Is this a trauma response?

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The root cause of being overly agreeable

Many people who grew up in a toxic or narcissistic environment learned from a young age to be agreeable. Not that we had a choice. In fact, the only choices we had were the ones that were forced upon us. We were taught to agree, go along with, and accept whatever was most convenient for the abuser’s mood. We were taught that our thoughts and opinions were not welcome.

Being agreeable became a survival mechanism.

Many of us carried this agreeableness right into adulthood. We’re easy to spot. We hate making decisions that will affect another person — doing so sends our anxiety into overdrive.

Where do we want to eat? Wherever you want to eat, of course. What movie do we want to watch? You pick!

Whatever you say you want, we agree to and we do so with a smile. We’ll say it’s because we don’t have an opinion and that’s true. We don’t know how to have an opinion.

And if we’re forced to make a decision, we feel guilty for having made it. What if you wanted something different? What if we upset you?

So the easiest answer is always, ‘YES, whatever you want.’

Eventually, all that agreeableness catches up with us, though. Many times it happens after we’ve repeated the dance with an abuser as an adult a few more times. One day, we finally realize that we gravitate to people who impose their expectations on us, and they gravitate to us because we accept their behavior without a fuss.

Until one day, we realize we are resentful and exhausted and something’s gotta give.

That is exactly what happened to me after my severe lack of boundaries and sense of self played right into the hands of a narcissistic man who turned my world upside down. In the aftermath that followed, I finally realized being overly agreeable had been a pattern my whole life.

I’m still struggling to not only identify my own opinions but also to assert them and stand my ground without major guilt and anxiety.

So how can all of the overly agreeable people like me start learning to be assertive?

1. Get comfortable with conflict

According to LifeHacker, the most important way to start being more assertive is to learn to be “okay with discord.” Though being agreeable may feel better at the moment in order to avoid conflict, in the long run, it only leads to unresolved conflicts that can grow into much bigger problems like resentment and exhaustion.

Sarah Rose from The Prosiest, states,

“It’s important for agreeable people to dissociate negative emotions from conflicts and learn the tools to managing conflicts, such as being calm/non-defensive, empathizing with your opponent's point of view, compromising, moving past the conflict, and growing/learning.”

2. Practice disagreeing

This probably sounds strange to anyone who isn’t overly agreeable. However for someone who is, the very idea of disagreeing causes feelings of instant panic. This will take guts and practice.

Instead of automatically agreeing each time someone expresses an opinion — pause. Dig deep and think — “what do I really think about this?” And then try to offer your point of view.

This will likely be easier to practice with strangers at first since you’ll be less attached to their reactions or opinions. Each time you’re able to present an alternative point of view, your confidence level will grow just a smidge more. Over time, you’ll feel brave enough to start practicing with loved ones.

3. Be patient with the process

A lifetime of being overly agreeable is not going to be fixed in an instant. It’s going to take time and practice to learn to be more assertive. You’ll likely have many moments like I’ve had today where you’re determined to stand your ground, however, everything in you is protesting against how uncomfortable it makes you feel.

Remember, your voice and your opinions are valid, too. You have a right to be heard. And the people who care about you will be happy to see you standing up for yourself and actually forming opinions.

In fact, you may find that in time, you’re able to create more meaningful and connected relationships as you learn to be authentically you.