Improbable Hope

*Disclaimer - I'm not a licensed Psychologist and my knowledge of this topic is limited to my own experiences and informal studies. If there's anything that should be edited please leave a comment.

*Trigger warning - this article speaks of abuse and the ramifications of abuse including disorders and self-harm.

Narcissist. Gas-lighting. Trigger. Toxic. These buzzwords have gained popularity in recent times. But what actually happens to people who have relationships with Narcissists?

Narcissistic personality styles have been presented throughout history, so it's not a new problem. Chances are throughout your lifetime you will encounter multiple people who are narcissistic or who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, to some extent. Maybe they're your insufferable boss who can never be pleased. Or an in-law who's criticisms have dismantled your self-esteem. It could be an important figure in your life such as a parent or a romantic partner, with whom separation is either not an option or frightfully life-changing. If you're lucky enough to not have suffered at the hands of one, educating yourself about these individuals is the only way to protect yourself and others.

Learning about them when you're in the throes of their rage and toxicity is not ideal yet there's a reason for the delay. The thing about Narcissists is they're master manipulators, if they want you to fall for them, they will figure out what you value and become it. They will hide their flaws and red flags masterfully at the beginning, if you aren't able to catch them it's nothing to be ashamed of.

It's quite possible that something about you drew the Narcissist in. You embody something the Narcissist wants a piece of, they seek "Narcissistic supply" or a source of ego-management, validation, you name it. They will use you to get their supply to your detriment. Without you, they're left with a pitiful sense of self and feelings of insecurity and shame that they will do anything not to face. Your health, happiness, needs, dreams, goals, or desires come second to theirs. There is no equality. You exist to support them and when you're no longer useful, you'll be tossed aside. Examples of their discarding of you could be threats, character assassination, or withholding affection.

Some of the most amazing people get wrapped up with Narcissistic individuals. They're people who embody empathy, compassion, kindness, and strength. When you place an unsuspecting empathic person with a Narcissistic person, the empathic person is the perfect "supply". They can be particularly vulnerable if they don't easily set boundaries or have a history of trauma. Who better to take on someone else's lack of self-accountability than someone with endless patience, love, and hope to give?

The reason your hope is betraying you is that this abuser in your life is unlikely to change. They will fervently promise to, to keep you around. These promises are a tool called "future-faking", giving you just enough to keep you around but never making genuine change. You could spend your whole life betting on their promises that never come to be. For a Narcissistic person to change they have to admit they're flawed and seek years-long therapy to build a skill set needed to be the kind of person you need them to be. Even with therapy, they may use what they learn against you. They may delight in feeling they outsmarted you or the Psychologist. They may tell you they've gone to the therapy sessions and you should leave them alone now. It's a deep-rooted change that requires a person to hold up a mirror to their vulnerable parts. Remember this is all being asked of someone whose personality is notoriously self-conscious and in worse cases, overtly self-righteous. Those aren't good odds. There is a slim minority of people in this category who can achieve enough progress to maintain healthy-long lasting relationship dynamics.

I understand that giving up hope feels like giving in to despair and grief all too well. Why else would you spend years waiting and hoping for this person to get it suddenly? To suddenly understand your experience, validate you, and finally, improve your relationship? The alternative is heartbreaking. All of your investment in the person, the life you built and the dreams you hoped for will be replaced by the disappointing reality that the person you thought they were isn't true. That future will never be because the person you believed in wasn't reality. They falsely advertised their way into your life. If you don't end it, your investment and devotion will cost you much more than the heartbreak of losing them ever could.

Before you decide what to do with a Narcissist in your life, there are things you should know. That type of chaotic rollercoaster of emotional abuse takes a toll on you and will begin to show up in ways you never expected. You will find yourself in the Doctor's office with pains and illnesses that you never dealt with before the Narcissist showed up. Your risks of major adverse health consequences will increase, including exacerbating mental health issues. You may experience problems with concentration, sleep issues, low self-esteem, a fight or flight freeze response state, high levels of the stress hormone cortisol in the body, isolation, decrease in important social support systems, mental confusion, loss of identity, loss of hobbies and interests, increased risks of drug use, eating disorders, self-harm.

In many situations, it's hard to leave, and some people cannot afford to, but it's hard to stay too. There's a cost to staying. At least, if you leave you can find clarity and start a healing process away from the person. Beware of that compassion of yours as it will show up even during a break-up or transition and you must be careful not to let toxic people draw you back in. You're not self-sacrificial and what Narcissists offer is not real love or support. You deserve to be around people who celebrate your core values, support your mental and physical health, and reciprocate the same efforts that you offer to those around you.

The most important wisdom to impart is that your core values could have attracted them but their mistreatment of you is not your fault. These people have operated in a manner that hurts others to protect themselves likely their whole lives, and statistically will continue to. Your qualities are your gift, and I hope in the confusion of manipulation and profound pain that they are not lost.

I recommend reading "It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People" by Dr. Ramani Durvasula or follow her Youtube Channel. She's dedicated years to the topic of Narcissism for Survivor's benefit. Keep fighting and don't give up on freeing yourself. I'll see you on the path to healing.