Imagine

Imagine...

You are 5 years old. Your mother is driving the family mini van to drop your older brother and sister off at school. Your siblings get out of the car, and you give them a hug and a kiss and say goodbye for the day. They run into the building with their friends, and now you and your best friend, your mom, are alone in the car. You get to spend the whole day with the most important person in the world. The one you love more than life itself. You ask, “Mommy, what are we doing today?” Her reply- “I have to go to a friends house to pick up something, then we can do whatever you want.”

We leave the school parking lot and start driving into Hartford. “This place is scary, I hate it when we come here...” you think to yourself. Your mom takes a left hand turn onto Zion Street. She makes a loop and parallel parks on the side of the street, across from her friend’s apartment.

Mom puts the car in park and looks at you. “You know the drill” she says to you. You slink out of the bench seat, down to the ground, and move your tiny body underneath the bench seat. “Remember, don’t get out from under there until I come back.”

She locks the doors and leaves. You are alone, in a scary place, just counting the minutes until she returns. Thirty minutes pass, now an hour, now two hours, and the only thing you have to do is play with your stuffed duck, which is smushed under the seat with you.

Four hours pass, and you hear the key in the door. “Mom’s back” you think to yourself, but something isn’t right. Mom always announces herself when she gets back, but she didn’t this time.

You poke your head out and see a black beanie, but mom doesn’t wear beanies. You see a tan cargo jacket covering broad shoulders. You realize, that’s not mom. That’s a man, and more importantly, a man you do not know. You shove yourself as far back as possible so he doesn’t see you. You close your eyes tight and hold your breath. “Please don’t turn around, please don’t look in the back.”

He drives the mini van. Left, right, and straight for a while. He parks the car, and leaves. You exhale and relax just for a moment. But then the moment has passed because you hear the key in the door again. You know what to do- hide, hold your breath, and pray. Pray he doesn’t see you. Pray that he doesn’t hear you.

He parks the car again and leaves. You lay and wait for a few minutes but then you climb out from under the seat. You know you aren’t supposed to, but you need to know where you are and what is going on. On your knees you poke your head up to see out of the window. “Phew,” you think, “we are back at her friend’s apartment.” You climb back under the seat, relieved that you are okay- you are safe.

Minutes later, the sound of keys rattling returns. They unlock the door, and hear someone plop down into the drivers seat. Short, mousy brown, curly hair, and a classic 90’s jacket sit in the seat ahead of you. You pop out from your hiding place. “MOM! You’re back!” She jumps, seemingly startled by your presence. “Angel face,” her nickname for you, “ I forgot you were still here.” You think, “I’m five... where would I have gone?” And the you realize... she’s high.

You are me and I am the previously referred to “you”.

My mother is a cocaine addict. Her “friend” was her dealer. The broad shouldered man is a friend of the dealer, someone she did not know.

My mother left my life three years later, when I was eight. After years of fighting my father, manipulating her family, lying, stealing, prostituting, cheating, and more, my father made a choice to keep us safe from her.

The moral of the story- not everything you lose in life is a loss. Sometimes when you lose something, or someone, you gain a world of opportunity. You gain protection . You gain safety. What you lost was something that was depriving you of everything you deserve as a child. It was depriving you of childhood itself. So as you go along life, losing and gaining, remember- not everything you lose is a loss.