Identity Crisis

Being of both Asian and Caucasian blood, I never really felt like I belonged to either race. Whether it's my Caucasian friends denouncing my Asian heritage or not accepting my other half. My Asian friends saying I'm too "White" and alienating me from a culture that I too possess. I always felt as if I was in limbo in terms of my identity. Holding many cultures within, however, not belonging to one. Throughout my childhood, I accepted that fact and moved forward. However, in college, it really weighed me down and forced me to reconsider my values and morals. I didn't understand why it affected me so much or why it mattered to people to point out what race I am as if I was a wine tasting test. Being not one to complain, instead, just go with the flow. I seem tranquil and calm on the outside, but there's a fire brewing on the inside, and with a roaring fire, the smoke has to escape somewhere. That being said, I wanted to find a method or a relief to these feelings bottled up inside me. A way that I can show others, I belong to both cultures. Through cooking, I hoped to accomplish that.

Throughout my childhood, the meals in my household varied, either Italian/Irish or Chinese/Asian food. With everyday household meals like gnocchi with pesto, and Jiaozi (Dumplings), not a week went by when I wouldn't go without either one. From creating tomato sauce from scratch to marinating meats like pork belly in char siu sauce overnight. The mixtures of aromas within my household filled me up with pride and fulfillment regarding my own identity. Even now, opening up the fridge to a wacky combination of meals relating to my culture brings joy to my face. In the present day, I often cook for my friends and family. Whether following a recipe online or concocting an "experimental" dish from my own means, I feel comfortable with my own identity. Even if the food doesn't come out ideal or isn't exactly "tasty," food is always infinitely more enjoyable when eating with people, especially friends and loved ones. I think one of the best parts of cooking is introducing someone to a new dish or type of cuisine they're unfamiliar with. Basically, exposing them to your culture in a sense, and whether they liked it or not, isn't essential. What's important is that they learned about something new and had fun along the way.

Cooking can be many things. Whether it's considered an occupation, a chore, or a hobby, cooking is cooking at the end of the day. What really makes a difference when cooking is who you're cooking for and why you are cooking. A particular saying I follow when I cook is, "What matters isn't how you start or what happens in the middle. It's how it ends." Interpreting this quote at first glance may seem to carry a simple meaning such as the "the cooking process can be sloppy; however, it doesn't matter if it's tasty at the end" or "All is well as long as the finished product is good." These answers are partially accurate; however, they don't pertain to the meaning the quote is trying to amplify. I believe while cooking, no matter what goes amuck or wrong, always carry a smile on your face, have fun, laugh at difficulty and hardship. This coincides with life as well. In this day of age, people are too convoluted and stressed about their own problems and drama. Life is definitely composed of twists and turns, and you aren't going to be happy all the time. That being said, never lose yourself; keep moving forward with the assurance that you can still carry on with a smile on your face no matter what stands in your way. With that in mind, keep moving onward along with everyone who cares for you and loves you.

I believe humans are vastly similar; however, at the same time, we're also vastly different. We all seek belonging/identity, whether it's to a specific group or just in society. No one likes being an outcast. That being said, the way we seek belonging varies and can be different from one another. Therefore, seeking comfort in something that links us, humans, together is paramount. Through cooking, I can express my belonging, my connection to my heritage, my culture, and most importantly, to people.