I Was Having a Good Day

I was having a good day.

By good I mean fine. I mean, I wasn't in a mood today. I mean,

I didn't wake up irritated and enraged today. I wasn't overcome by fatigue.

Or oppressed by sadness for reasons I can't recall

I mean, I swept the floors and played with my son.

I mean I didn't snap at my daughter today.

I showered today, drank water today, took my supplements today.

I was having a good day.

I even had a nap.

But my peace was short lived.

My phone, it buzzed. Then it buzzed again.

And again. And again.

I had just woke up, still in bed.

I lifted my phone to see what was the urgency -

waves of anxiety rolling over me

But before I even open the messages app

There came a flash at the top of my screen

Before my brain could register your phone number

My body began to scream

Silently of course. My boy was still sound asleep, snoozing right next to me

First, my heart sank,

intestines begun twisting and turning

stomach pumping and churning

muscles rigid and burning

pools of sweat forming on my chest

my body became parallelized

breath became shallow as I realized

It was you. Blowing my phone up about some shit that was already discussed

LEAVE ME ALONE BRO

Your existence is so fuckin redundant, your ignorance and arrogance exists in abundance

Please just go,

really, we've talked enough

Talking in circles so I drew a line

That's your side, this is mine.

I walk away hoping to finish the rest of this good day.

But the cloudy sky was suddenly too bright, feet stone cold as my body looses heat

the sounds of my sweet boy's joy become to loud to bear

Child please just get out of my hair

Mommy can I read you my project? "Mommy needs a minute" I snap

Intestines twist again, nausea kicks in

Bathroom break, for all of our sake

Instinct kicks in, "curl up and cry" it says

I'd like to, I think, but I just feel parallelized

Cellular memory reminding me of times of terror and fear

I wish these physiological flashbacks weren't so clear

Reality reminding me, that line I drew is only temporary - you'll only be back

We share a child, I can't win. I can't escape.

Prisoner, a legal contract I cannot break.

Damn this corrupted system. Damn me for ignoring my intuition.

I should have listened

to those red flags, back when we first met,

I was just so desperate.

But you knew that, easy catch, perfect snack.

For a predator like you.

We met in the summer, you had me wrapped around your vile little finger before it was winter.

I was just so desperate

Love deprived, touch deprived. God fearing and meek.

That used to be me.

But you knew that. East catch, perfect snack,

For a predator like you.

At least today's episode isn't a mystery,

I know exactly what's happening to me

The leech has returned, I'm triggered

PTSD.

Maybe I need to breathe

I mean, I know so many coping techniques

But I make no moves, guess I've forgotten how to self soothe

Maybe I need some rest, tomorrow I can try again.

Maybe I'll try a spell.

All I know is, I was having a good day,

And now, I feel so unwell.

*** If you or a loved one believes they are victims of domestic violence or sexual assault, please reach out for help. It's normal to feel ashamed. But you are never to blame. You are not alone.

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1800 799 7233

National Sexual Assault Hotline 800 656 4673

Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800 273 8255