I'm Sorry
To the loyal boyfriend who didn't deserve the backlash of my BPD.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm like this.
I'm sorry for all the times I lost my temper and blamed you—you never really did anything wrong.
I'm sorry for any times I've told you to **** off or that I hated you. I promise I've never meant any of it. I have a tendency to push people away on purpose before they have the chance to abandon me.
I'm sorry for every sleepless night I caused you. It's usually when the sun goes down that it gets the worst and I fall apart into this cynical, self loathing, suicidal mess. I'd know you'd have work in the morning and needed your sleep but you'd stay up because you knew I needed you.
I'm sorry for all my outbursts and breakdowns that were set-off for seemingly no reason. If my personality had to be described in one word, it'd be stormy. I know it must've been so confusing to you. Hell, I was so confused. How could you understand from the outside when even I couldn't understand what was happening to myself? I never expected you to understand, but I know you expected yourself to. It's like I completely lose touch with even the very concept of reality sometimes.
I'm sorry for every time I scared you with my risky behaviour, every time you were frantically trying to contact me or find me because you knew I was doing something dangerous. I am incredibly self destructive. I still don't know why I can't just reign myself in when things in my head get messy. I know better, but when everything is falling apart it's like I'm unable to be in control. Whether driving too fast, taking pills I shouldn't, putting myself in unsafe locations or situations, or simply putting a blade to my own skin, I'm sorry for scaring you. It's like I have to walk hand-in-hand with death before I actually feel alive.
I'm sorry for holding on too tight, always begging for you to stay even if you were just going to spend time with friends. I didn't mean to be controlling or accusing, I promise. I just get so scared. More than anything, I'm afraid of being alone. No matter what I do it feels like the fate of loneliness is always creeping in on me. No matter how many times you reassure me that you are here to stay, I just can't believe anyone would actually stay. It always feels like anything good in my life is just slowly slipping from my grasp. I can't handle being abandoned; I always feel like I am, even if I'm not.
I'm sorry for the times I've just become distant and disconnected. It's all black-and-white usually—the world is breathtakingly amazing, or the world is a hellish-pit that only exists for humanity's suffering. The only exception to the world being black-or-white is when it is nothing at all. I'll find myself in these periods of time when I feel nothing—I don't even feel human. It's like I've been dropped into someone else's body and life, or I am looking at my life from a TV screen—just watching it happen, but feeling no real connection to it. When I get like that I feel nothing for myself or the world around me, not even you. It isn't personal.
Most importantly, I'm sorry I was toxic and even mentally abusive at times. You never deserved how I treated you.
On top of apologizing, more than anything, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for always being here for me when everyone else gave up, I want to thank you for holding me together and being my safe place. I want to thank you for always trying to help.
I love you, even if I'm terrible at showing it.
My one last apology is that I never found the courage to actually say all of this to you.
I hope someone else can relate to this, or that it can help a friend or partner of an individual with Borderline Personality Disorder to understand.
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