I'm Not Taking It Anymore

I do not want to be me anymore. Is it impossible to change who you are?

Let me describe myself a little bit. I am 43. A wife of 24 years. A mom to a 21 year old and an 18 year old. I also just became a grandmother to the cutest little girl in the world.

I do not have many friends. Just my husband and a couple that lives 1700 miles away. I am not a very social person. i prefer to stay home insteasd of going out. I like to read and watch movies. I am getting back into fitness after falling off the wagon for a couple of years.

I want to be happy, excited, and enthusiastic. I want to be full of joy, grace, and kindness. I want to be the kind of person others want to be around. I want to enjoy being social. (My husband is Mr. Social). I want to wake up and be excited for what the day ahead may bring.

Instead of being negative and thinking the worst,I want to be positive. I want to find the best in all situations and enjoy them to the fullest.

I would like to pause here for just a moment and explain that I am not unhappy with my husband, my children, or my home. I am very thankful for all that I have. I am still in love with my husband after 25 years together. He is my best friend. I want to be clear that I am unhappy with the person I am.

Am I crazy?

Believe me, I have done my time on the therapist's couch. I actually enjoy talking to someone. It is nice to be able to talk about what is on your mind or what you are feeling without any judgement. Someone to listen and help you dig deeper into the reasons why you feel the way you feel. Many people haave friends to do this for them.

During the Covid pandemic, I tried the virtual counseling. It just wasn't for me. I hated sending a message about what was going on and then having to wait all day or till the next day for a respose. It was usually a question that I would answer. Then, I would have to wait a day for a response. I prefer the one on one, in person feedback.

So, back to the topic at hand. It is possible to change who you are? To become, essentially, a different person? How much work and determination will it take to overhaul a life? Will people think I am being fake? Will they think I have been day drinking...(I do this only on vacation and it is great...)

My first step in this journey of change is to decide right now that the old me is gone. She was a pretty cool person at times but the new me is way better. More lively, more fun, and better for the long haul. Deciding can be the most crucial step of all. For me, I have to get downright mad at a situation (usually myself) before I can make the necessary changes.

Next, I am going to have to make it a point to do certain things. I am going to have to work to stop certain behaviours and habits. So much of who I have become is due to how I was raised and traumas that occurred in my life. I have always said that I am who I am not because of those things but despite of them. As I have gotten older, I find that to be somewhat untrue. I have developed certain defense mechanisms to keep from being hurt. I keep people at an arms length because I do not trust.

Yes, the world we live in can be crazy. There are people and things out there that are unsafe. We do need to be aware of our surroundings, but can't live in fear. That is not living at all.

Change can be hard, but if this is something that I really want, it will be worth it. I know it will not happen overnight. I wish I could just decide to be a new person that is fun and joyful; and with a snap of my fingers be her. I also wish I could eat a salad for supper and wake up the next day 20 pounds lighter. But, this is real life and I must do the work.

Stay tuned!