I'll Be a Hero Again Tomorrow

Did you know I used to be a hero? I saved lives. People knew they could trust me. I took care of myself. My clothes, grooming habits, actions, and life style all reflected my confidence and reliability. I could do anything!

So what happened? Why am I eating Little Debbie's Swiss rolls at 3 am in my underwear... again? Why did I drop the Swiss roll when I got scared for no reason? Why am I crying on the floor because I dropped it? You know what I'd rather be doing instead of crying on the floor next to a soiled treat (that I still ate)? I'd rather kick a cactus. I'd rather run out of toilet paper in a public restroom. It's lonely on the kitchen floor at 3 in the morning.

Years ago, if I was awake at 3 am, it was because someone else needed me to be. I've spent many nights driving to someone's house, a bar, park, train station, hospital or Denny's to meet someone who needed help. I've taken away vodka bottles, knives, pills, suicide notes, and snot tissues. I've handed them ice cream, flashlights, scriptures, hot meals, and clean tissues. I held off an abusive husband until the cops go there, bathed an old man before he went to the hospital, and many other things I don't feel the need to share. I remember all of these nights clearly. Those people told me they were grateful I came. They told me I was a hero. But selfishly, I was glad I got to go. I loved feeling valued.

There's no hero in my apartment tonight. Just me in my underwear crying next to a Swiss roll. I wish there was a hero here. I wish someone with a hero's heart could lift me up off the floor, get me a robe (bath or wizard, I'm not picky) and sit on the couch with me until I felt better. But since there isn't a hero, I guess that means I don't need one. And since there are Swiss rolls, I guess that means I need those.

I've had heroes before. I've had people drive to a bar, apartment, hospital, middle of nowhere, or church building for me. I've had people take away vodka bottles, knives, pills, suicide notes, and snot tissues. It's a strange feeling to share some of your worst days with a willing friend and family. Each time a hero was with me, I wished so bad we could trade places. Unfortunately, sometimes the person that needs saving is going to be you.

The important thing to remember when you're alone on the kitchen floor is it's okay that there isn't a hero there. Eat the Swiss roll and try to go to bed. Maybe a hero will come tomorrow. And just because I'm not being a hero today, doesn’t mean I won't be a hero again tomorrow.

It's been 2 years since I wrote this, and I just want to add that I’ve learned a lot since then. Heroes are heroes even when they don’t feel like heroes. Just cause you feel down tonight doesn’t mean the people you’ve helped suddenly become void of the positive influence you’ve given them. You’re still a hero in their minds and memories. I guarantee that the next time you’re out walking around you’ll still be on the look out for people who need help. So you’re still a hero. Just promise me you’ll never stop caring about other people, even strangers. Everyone needs help. Everyone needs a hero. Even heroes. So please, keep being a hero.