I Have Asperger's

I have Asperger’s. Better explained as a form of autism that makes you speak out of turn or about trains or unicorns or whatever peaks their interest. Usually, there is one interest that really makes someone with autism really entertained. Mine has always been psychology or cures of some sort, I like to fix people or make them see the best in themselves. Doesn’t seem bad right…well you’re wrong. I go to the absolute extreme meaning I date people to fix them or I find friends that need fixing. Most of my friends at one point needed help fixing themselves or had something wrong with them that I could somehow help with.

I have Asperger’s. This alone does not make me…me but it does have a big impact in my life. School has always been tough for me because concentration has always been tough for me. This statement I do not normally admit out loud but in the end it’s true and what am I going to do about it. But autism makes work and school difficult because I do not understand a lot of things other people see as being common sense. I know math pretty well though most of the time I still have to count on my fingers. In high school match was my highest grade, but it took me the longest because I had to think and second guess myself. Most kids with autism do really well in school but not well in social settings which is my case and it is a serious struggle.

When I was thirteen, we went to an amusement park and I was super excited until about three in the afternoon. In the morning the crowds were small and there was hardly a wait. The loud noises were only small screams of excitement from the rollercoasters, but as the day went on large crowds began to form. I started to hear really loud noises and people were yelling and screaming to their friends throughout the park. I began to panic, and I looked around for my family and I felt lost in a crowd full of people, I could see my family but I could not feel them and I could not understand I was not alone.

The machines at work make loud noises and sometimes I have panic attacks and have to go hide in the bathroom. Loud noises trigger panic and I get afraid…I get so afraid I have to put my hands over my ears and go to a quiet space with only me. I work at a bowling alley, so I have to go behind the lanes to get socks, menus, etc. and I have to hear all the pins being knocked down at once and it is a scary noise that most people do no have to get up close to. I try not to let this stuff bother me because I have to look “normal,” I have to continue on with my day even though I am terrified of big crowds and loud atmospheres.

Once when I was around seven my cousin was messing with me and said that if I had enough of a running start off the balcony I could fly and well…I believed him. I took my red cape and ran as fast as I could off the balcony and I found out I could not fly but I could tumble. Needless to say, I went to the hospital with a broken arm and now have this story to tell. Autism makes me not understand jokes very well or sarcasm or most emotions at all and it all confuses me. It mostly confuses me because I know my own emotions for the most part, but I do not know anyone else’s.

I get angry…oh trust me I do, but I get angry because I do not understand sadness. I do not understand why people cry and I can’t because sadness is so foreign to me. Sometimes I cry all the time and that makes me angry because I do not understand it at all. I yell and scream but not because I am upset, but because people do it back and I have learned it gets me attention and makes people listen. And sometimes people do not think I am telling the truth because I can write stories filled with emotion, but the truth is, sometimes I have to look up what emotion someone would feel in a specific circumstance. That makes me angry because I do not feel those emotions and I do not understand how people can be filled with so many unique feelings.

Empathy is hard for me because like a toddler I usually say everything that comes to my head. Now, I have learned how to control that a lot but sometimes it slips, and I say something horrible. Like when I was young my mom would always ask if something made her look fat. Every child knows they are supposed to say, “no mom you look fantastic,” but I would say “yes your butt looks huge or your stomach sticks out like a sore thumb.” Maybe she wanted to hear that or maybe it hurt her, but I would never know the difference because facial expressions don’t phase me.

Honesty is always a major factor in autism…brutal honesty. I made people cry with honesty more than once and it’s not on purpose. I tell the truth and that’s all I know how to do, lying is hard for me because I say the first thing that pops into my head. And when people cry, I don’t know what to do so I sit there and mess with the skin on my thumb. Sometimes, people think that autistic people are also psychopaths because they do not understand a lot of things and do not understand what they are doing when hurting someone. The difference is that if a murderer is a psychopath, they know what they are doing is wrong, they just don’t care.

Most autistic people literally have no idea what they are doing wrong and so it is a lot harder for them to make friends. I mostly know what’s going on except for when I don’t…then I just nod and act like I get it. I hate asking questions because I hate looking stupid, but I do pretty well with that on my own. I make myself look like an idiot about ninety percent of the time anyway just by being me. I walk funny and I trip over my own feet sometimes and then I overthink that and that may not be the autism that may just be me.

Asperger’s brings on depression which sometimes causes me to sit in my room for hours contemplating a way out. Like I would never do anything because it would hurt everyone around me and sometimes, I think a lot of thoughts that cause me to write really long sentences because I do not know when to stop. Sometimes I write long journal entries talking about my depression and how I am depressed because I feel stupid because I have a problem that causes me to not make friends easily and to be scared in pubic settings.

When I was younger, I tried to kill myself simply because I did not want to live with this anymore. I don’t think so much like that anymore because what is the point. Now I read books and try to understand emotions that I will never be able to express because it is not wired in my brain. I feel angry…I feel tired because all the work hurts and sometimes I want to stop trying to understand but I know I have to because without understanding I will never be able to succeed in living a “happy life.” This is what my mother says and maybe she knows best, or at least that’s what she says.

Well anyway…I have Asperger’s and maybe that is my fixation. My fixation is that maybe there are some things I can’t change from thinking hard enough and studying. Maybe there are things that I can’t change at all and no matter how much people tell me I can change it…maybe just maybe I can’t.