I Deserve Me

I've spent my life showing up. Showing up for school. Showing up for track meets. Showing up for jobs I hated. Showing up for jobs I didn't hate as much. Showing up for meetings and greetings, weddings and funerals. Showing up for friends who needed me. Showing up for my kids. Showing up for my spouse. Showing up for my elderly parents. Showing up for strangers in need of a helping hand. I'm that girl, the one who you know will show up even when no one else will.

But in all that showing up, in all that running to and fro to take care of others, I forgot to show up for the most important person in my life. I forgot to show up for ME. Okay, time to cut the crap and get real, I didn't so much forget to show up as I did just kinda, you know not.

There just wasn't time, I told myself. There was work to be done, money to be made, obligations to fulfil, whether they were actually mine or not. It didn't matter that I was exhausted, frazzled, cranky and hungry. It didn't matter that I'd get into my car and begin sobbing out of sheer frustration. It didn't matter that I lay awake in bed every night, tossing and turning, unable to sleep as I ruminated about the day that had just passed and the coming day's to-do list. People needed me. I can see why, I am pretty awesome.

But I needed me too. I needed me even more than everyone else needed me. As the old saying goes, "you can't take care of everyone else if you don't take care of yourself first." And boy, there's nothing like turning 50 to make that hit home. Actually, there is, there's that time my husband told me I looked. I took a peek at myself in the mirror and I didn't just look tired, I looked worn out. I looked haggard. Yikes! What a wake-up call!

So from this moment forward, I'm showing up for ME. I deserve it.

I deserve a decent night's sleep. To that end, I'm hereby banning all electronics from my bedroom. There'll be no more taking that one last peek (8 times) at my phone each night. There'll be no more barely drifting off only to be snapped awake by the ding of yet another notification. There will be no more watching T.V. in bed. The TV is out! And so is the laptop. The bed is for sleep.

I deserve time to myself. No, I'm sorry, you can't call me anytime. I've been on call for far too long. So there will be times when I am completely and utterly unreachable. Don't panic, you can leave a message. I'll get back to you, after I've gotten to me.

I'm prioritizing the things I want to do now. Whether it's taking a luxurious bubble bath, meditating, journaling or just getting out into nature, I'm going to take a little time each day to do it.

I deserve to reward myself. I've spent far too many years giving and not receiving. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I don't regret it. But it's time for me to reap the benefits of my hard work. So I'll have that glass of wine, or that piece of cake. I'll eat that delicious pasta and yes, I'm going to buy those shoes. Come to think of it, I might get that purse too.

I deserve help when I need it. It's okay to ask for help. I'm not the only person in the house that can load a dishwasher, clean the kitchen or do laundry. I'm not the only person that can check the oil in the car. I'm not even the only person that can cook dinner.

I deserve to laugh. Life shouldn't be a melancholy trudge between tasks. It's meant to be a journey, rich with all kinds of experiences. It's meant to be vibrant and varied with ups and downs. Well, it's time to pad the ol' "up" column. It's time to allow my silly side out. It's time to have some fun. It's time to laugh. Every. Single. Day.

I deserve forgiveness. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I'm human. I know I'll slip up. I know I'll break my own rules. I know I'll check that damn phone. I know I'll probably talk myself out of those shoes. I know I'll volunteer for something I didn't want to do. But I also know that if I do, it's going to be okay. It's as easy as wiping the slate clean and trying again. Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was I.

It's finally my turn to get what I deserve. And I deserve the best. I deserve me.