I AM UNAPOLOGETIC

I was just fifteen years old, when I went under depression. I still remember the day when my parents were out for a marriage and I knew they would return tomorrow as my father did not like to drive in night. It was a great opportunity for me to commit suicide.

It was 10.30 PM, I was lying on the bed and thinking about myself.

''I am nothing but just a failure in my life. I can't do anything in my life. I am a looser. I want to give up on my life.''

I went to the kitchen to get the knife. Then I went to the washroom, I looked myself at the mirror....... I hesitated to cut my nerve, might be for some reason that I can't explain. While coming out of the washroom, I threw the knife far away and went to sleep.

The next morning, when I woke up, I had a quick bath. Then I stood in my balcony and I was thinking, ''Man, I am really bad at committing suicide. I always thought about my death and when I got the chance. I couldn't do it.''

''I want to live. I want to live. I want to live.''

I ran inside the washroom, where yesterday I stood and tried to do something really stupid. I looked into my eyes in the mirror and shouted. I want to live, at least thrice times. I felt much better than before. I felt some kind of a positive energy running in my body.

From the very next day, I completely changed my lifestyle pattern. I woke up early in the morning doing meditation, running, exercise, having a good sleep and good food. My parents were shocked from my tremendous change in my daily routine schedule. My family start asking me, "How come you woke up early today? How come you are exercising? How come you are meditating today?" My friends asked me the questions like, "Where were you from a long time?"

I answered them but what I answered was not the truth. The truth was, I was under depression. I didn't want to come out and hangout with my friends. I did not want to talk to anyone about my negative feelings. All what I want to do was sit, sleep or waste my time in mobile or electronic devices.

I was not very open to anybody about my depression because my friends will make fun of it or my parents would be worried about me and my mental health. I don't want to make them scared or worry about me a lot.

The changed routine in my habit did not actually worked a lot because once again I felt into negativity. There was a strange voice in my head that spoke rubbish about me and tried to pull me back in my life of sad, gloomy and depressed life.

I used to think, ''Why it is happening? Why I am not being positive? And the answer was may be I am not admitting myself that I was depressed or I am depress.''

''Real happiness is in self accepting,'' I told myself.

''Why I was under depression? What was the main cause that led me to think that I am stupid and good for nothing?'' I commenced thinking profoundly on these above two topics.

I came to the conclusion that it was due to my medical entrance examination preparation. Since my childhood, I was a shy person. Neither I was good at studies nor at sports. I was not even good at curricular activities. It doesn't mean I was total useless. Every child is special and different. I had something in me that I never spoke about.I love to read. I started reading from a very young age. I might be 7 or 8 years. Reading fiction books was like an addiction to me. If I didn't read for one day. I felt like I didn't do anything today. Very soon I started taking part in the competitions. They were spell bee, reading, writing essays, articles and short fiction stories. I did fairly well in those competitions. In my English exam, when it came to write about your opinion from the given chapter, value based questions and creative writing. Either I used to get a star or good. And I never loosed my marks in my creative writing. When I was 13 years old, I decided to become a writer. Because I love expressing myself

In India, parents want to have their kids a bright future by having a decent job with a decent salary. And it can be only possible by making their ward study in Engineering college if it is a boy and if it is a girl then medical college. I am a girl, my parents opt medical for me. As I hate Science and bio the most. I couldn't do it. Studies made me feel under depression.

Enough of being coward, I called my father,''Hey dad! it is me. I want to have a word with you. Can we talk?''

''Oh sure! I am on my way to home.''

"Why don't you come home then I will tell you what's the matter.''

''Fine.''

Then he put the phone. For me it is easy to confide with my fathers than my mother. That's why I called him.

My father came home after one hour. He sat in front of me and said, ''What you want to talk about?''

I opened my heart and started speaking frankly, ''Dad, I don't want to be a doctor. I stuck in Science.'' While speaking tears blurred my eyes but I didn't let them fell down. I continued speaking, ''I wanna be a writer. I love writing. When I just sit to write, for me the whole world is asleep. Time passes so swiftly while I am writing. I can't hear or see something at that moment. Only what I could see or hear is my laptop and thoughts coming in my mind.'' Tears fell down my cheeks. I started crying louder just like a baby. ''I don't care dad, if I don't earn much money in my writing career. I still want to be a writer. If I will become a doctor, I bet, I won't be a good doctor. When my death would be nearer, I would be cursing myself for not following my passion and will. I know that writing is a tough job. I am going to have a lot of rejections for my articles and books. I may fail many times but I am not afraid to be fail. I know what it takes to be a writer and I am going to give all my best.'' My father patted me on my head and left the room. He may knew I need some time alone. I further continued to cry and when I stopped crying. I felt relieved. It seemed like my whole pain and frustration was out.

After then I started living my life on my own. My whole day pass, reading fiction and non fiction books. I do daily write my feeling in my diary. I am soon about to start a new blog. I am writing a crime novel too. I am thinking of starting a campaign for depress people. Before going to sleep, I always say to myself tomorrow I am gonna make it.

My mother was not okay with my career. She and my many relatives tried to manipulate my mind and told me to change my path. If you can't do medical then go for engineering or anything else. But say no to writing.

Neither I changed my mind nor I listen to them. I have a very strong focus which can't be disturb so easily. This career was my choice and I am unapologetic to everyone whom so ever tried to change my mind.