How I’m Learning to Help Myself

I was about 19 when I started to really put together that I was mentally ill and all the words thrown at me started to make sense. However, I kind of just left it at that. The things going in with me had names and now I could put a word with my actions. They kind of just became a crutch. I’m doing this because I have this or that, but there was no action. I kind of just let everything fester, and didn’t have any proper self soothing or help techniques. I was vehemently opposed to taking medication, and looking back I’m not sure I had any valid reason to be so opposed. Perhaps it was the stigma of being labeled “crazy” but I absolutely refused to get medicated or go to therapy regularly. I turned to hard drugs even at one point, struggling for years with them even. I was definitely using everything but actual help to help myself.

It didn’t help that I was in an unhealthy relationship immediately out of high school with someone who threw crazy around like his favorite adjective. Anytime I didn’t fall for his lies or gaslighting, I was called every synonym for crazy possible. I was the problem, not him. Nothing honestly changed until I ended up in jail for self defense. You heard that right, I ended up in jail for defending myself against my ex coming at me. His manipulative sister called the cops in me to protect her brother and I was the one who spent a weekend locked up. As horrific and hypocritical as it all was, it was my eye opening way out of a nightmare.

Getting the help I needed wasn’t easy. I moved in with a now former friend who had no pity for me being autistic, no pity for me having anxiety. The type of person who would eat in front of you knowing you hadn’t eaten in days. It wasn’t until I met my amazing wife that I had the support system that I desperately needed. Thus began my next journey of trying to get help without health insurance, which was extremely limited on a small income. I did what I could, paying out of pocket when I could afford it. However the lack of consistency didn’t help, and I found myself slipping time and time again. It wasn’t until healthcare changes in America that I was able to get affordable insurance.

The next part of my journey involved finding mental health professionals I was connecting with. The very first psychiatrist I tried to see in LA, worked inside of a clinical trial office and honestly just wanted to give me whatever medications ended up putting money in her pocket again. She gave me something I’d told her didn’t work well in the past, and even told me there was “no way” I could be autistic because I didn’t just see things in black and white. A total disaster. I finally found a decent psychiatrist and once I found the combination of medications that worked for me, my primary care doctor worked with prescribing them for me. It took a few therapists too to find the one I have now, who I consider an absolute gem. He has helped me open doors I’ve kept sealed shut, helped me uncover and process trauma, gave me multiple techniques to help with my compulsions and so much more. I’ve been seeing him now for about four years now, and the difference in me now and four years ago has been incredible. I can see it within myself and I see it every day in how I process things. Progress isn’t linear, I don’t always have “perfect” days, but I’m helping myself process the negative aspects of my mind in much healthier ways. The combination of medications, therapy, vitamins, epic friendships (with honest folks who hold you accountable) and also having a really incredible role model (looking at you, Dove Cameron) has helped me find the best parts of myself.

It IS a privilege to be able to find help. If you have the resources to get mental health help by all means DO IT. There are also far more affordable options than when I started this journey for myself. There’s affordable online therapy options which are accessible for non-verbal folks as some have text and chat options. There are therapists who charge on a sliding scale and you pay what you can afford of their options. There’s even places like 7 cups, where you can chat for free with volunteers about what’s going on in your life, and they also offer affordable therapy options. Sometimes it’s nice to have an unbiased person to talk to, and that’s why l cannot recommend therapy enough. People have their arguments for not taking medications, but therapy can really help when you connect with the right mental health professional. You will have your bad days, you will have your good days, like I said - healing isn’t linear or a perfect straight line. But getting the help you need can help you swim through stormy waters, like a lifeboat when you’re close to drowning. It’s okay to need help, and that’s something I had to learn for myself as well. Maybe I am “crazy” like my ex once said, but at least I am actually aware and working on it.