How I Find Relief When Darkness Overwhelms Me

When I'm suicidal, I do three things:

• If I can wait another five minutes or a half hour, I might feel better.

• Second, there are specific things I want to do in the future. I list them out loud.

• Third, I remember that I made it through awful stuff in the past, so I can survive today, too.

I'm not a therapist, and we probably don't know each other, so why should you listen to me? You may be looking for hope or answers. I don't know if I have those, but I will share what I can to help.

I'm writing this story because I'm not the only one suffering. The whole world is in the shit right now. I marvel each day at the growing pile of bad news. For a while, I wondered if we were all in a simulation because how else could it get this intense?

But first, I'd like to take you to the past. My first dance with death happened at college. I attended a religious university where I could never be free to be myself or love outside the lines. When I developed a relationship with someone of the same gender, I dropped out to avoid lying during the worthiness interviews. After the church suspended my membership, I considered all the ways I could end myself. I thought my eternal salvation was on the line, and weirdly that was what kept me alive. Suicide wasn't any more acceptable than loving the wrong person.

Fast-forward a few more years, and I had married someone of the same faith and approved gender. However, it was an abusive situation, and I spent most days planning my escape one way or the other.

That relationship ended when my spouse passed away from chronic health issues. It should have felt freeing but sent me deeper into the darkness. Not only did I lose them, but also three other dear friends within two months. Death no longer seemed scary but a way to reunite with people I missed.

Lucky for me, someone who truly loved me gave me an opportunity. I emigrated overseas and married the love of my life. Then life really went to shit. Their family did not welcome me; I burned through my savings and couldn't find meaningful employment. Our relationship degenerated into constant arguments. By this point, I didn’t have religion to prop me up or the funds to run away.

One cold winter night, I lay naked in an unheated space waiting for hypothermia's embrace. It was the least painful way to end myself as I could not access other options. Unfortunately, it's not a quick solution. My body shivered hard, fighting against oblivion. I needed an even colder place to speed up the process, but I couldn't reach it before my spouse saw me.

When my teeth stopped chattering, we talked and decided we needed changes. Things slowly improved after that. I’d love to say that that was the last time I thought about suicide, but it’s not. The specter still haunts me.

It's worse in the winter – that's seasonal affective disorder. I also struggle when burned out, sick, have had unexpected bad news, or struggle financially. So, it's been a reasonably constant visitor for the past few years.

When I started publishing my own work online, one of the first things I wrote about was my 3-point survival plan that you saw at the beginning of the story. Here’s how I developed it.

Wait for a while

The first part about waiting for the bad feelings to pass comes from living with anxiety. I’m anxious most of the time. It’s part of being autistic. I jiggle my foot and chew on my fingers; I have to get things done NOW. Same thing when I’m emotional or stressed. I want relief yesterday.

But I had a boss who taught me to wait.

He was the kind of supervisor that was rarely in the office. This required my team and I to become independent and make decisions on our own. It was either that or face unacceptable delays.

When present, he would rarely lend a hand, pleading that he didn’t know how to do certain things. Plus, he had meetings to attend. Then, we had to hang around until he was available again. Since he was a nice fellow, I mostly excused his absence.

After a while, I realized that I wasn't a 911 operator. I didn't need to treat everything like an emergency. Some things resolve on their own. My boss’s method was to wait and see what happened and only intervene when it couldn’t be avoided. I’m not saying that’s the best answer for everything, but taking a step back helps.

When I'm in crisis, I try to distract myself. I need a few minutes of something else to put some distance between me and the problem. Then, it won't look so bad. It’s like how they say, “Things will look better in the morning.”

List what’s worth living for

Part of my distraction ploy is the second step: considering what I want to live for. It includes thinking about things I look forward to enjoying. It could be reading a book, seeing a movie, eating a special meal, or going on a trip. I wouldn’t want to cut my time short and miss doing something I love.

As I’m not so much of a people person, but you might be, perhaps you could think about being with people you love. Use whatever motivates you as a carrot and promise yourself that reward. And remember, you’ve made it this far, so you can wait a little longer.

I'm a survivor, and so are you

I focus on the things I learned and the amazing moments I’ve had. Like the relief I felt making the last payment on a huge debt that had buried me for years. Or the awe when so many people showed up at my first spouse’s funeral.

Just like me, you’ve made it past a lot of obstacles already. Right now, you and I can swap many tales about our past failures and tragedies. We can one-up each other on how bad it got. So remember, this terrible time will be a story one day, too.

Be there to tell it.