Hork the Chef Barbarian

(This tale was co-written with WordHero, an AI text generator. If it comes up with these kinds of ideas, is it a warning that the machines are coming for us?)

Hork the barbarian was not one for domestic duties. He was a fierce warrior, and spent much of his time honing his fighting skills. When he wasn't training or fighting, he could be found in the local tavern, telling stories of his conquests. Hork didn't have patience for things like cooking and cleaning, so he left those chores to his wife. This didn't sit well with her, and she would often complain about how lazy he was. Despite her nagging, Hork went drinking every night.

His wife's brothers felt sorry for their sister who was married to an alcoholic braggart even if he was a famous fighter. Even though he was feared on the battlefield, he was not a good husband. This made his brothers very angry. They would often fight with him and try to get him to stop drinking and help around the house. Still, Hork couldn't be bothered. He only kept from killing his annoying brothers-in-law out of love for his wife.

One day, Hork's wife went to bed tired and didn't wake up. Hork was devastated. He couldn't believe that his wife was gone. He didn't know what he was going to do without her. He was lost without her.

Hork knew that he had to be strong for his wife's memory. He knew that she would want him to keep going and live his life to the fullest. So that's what he did.

But first, he had to learn to take care of household chores. He tried to hire a servant but they were all too afraid of him. He quickly mastered sweeping the floor as it was like gutting fallen enemies. Then he tried laundry but hated getting wet. He preferred to leave the odor on his clothes as it made him even more intimidating.

Cooking was the hardest task for him. For a while, he ate animals either raw as it was faster. Still, it required a lot of chewing and cut into his weapons practice time.

But one day, he watched as a falcon dropped its prey into a wildfire. The carcass cooked quickly, and Hork found himself fascinated by the process. From then on, he began to experiment with cooking his own food. He started with simple meats, but soon progressed to more complicated dishes.

The first dish he cooked was a roast bear, which he served with boiled roots. He added only a little sea salt to season the fatty flesh.

His brothers-in-law stopped by and harrassed him. "Oh, so now you're cooking and cleaning. If you'd done that before, our dear sister would still be alive."

He saluted them with a greasy finger and went back to gorging himself. They left grumbling.

He then made a lamb shank, which he served with mashed potatoes and peas and seasoned with herbs stolen from the village witch. It gave him heartburn but the refined taste was worth it.

Now Hork started looking for new flavors. So when he came across a recipe for "Dragon Breath Chili," he knew he had to try it.

The chili was everything Hork hoped for and more. It was so spicy, it made his eyes water and his skin turn bright red. But he could weaponize it. His breath alone would down strong men when they smelled it, not to mention his flatulence that could flatten an army. Hork loved the chili so much, he ate the whole pot himself.

Despite the side effects, Hork was happy to have cooked a filling meal for himself. As he sat back and scratched his belly, an idea came to him. He would make peace with his wife's family using his new skills as a chef. He just needed a little more practice.

His next dish was a chicken curry, which he served with pilau rice and naan bread. He shared it with a few warrior buddies who were suitably impressed and didn't dare make fun of the delicate fare.

After these feats, Hork invited his brothers-in-law to have a meal with him.

Then he cooked them.

The result was a barbaric mealtime that left everyone else feeling sick to their stomachs.