How do I find the courage, to go out into the 'REAL' word AGAIN? When Covid broke my protective shield

OH DO I TRY - Music for most of my life was my happiness, was my safe space "My alchemist" as my shield- my protectors (the musicians -instruments /vocals). I'd sing along to entire cds for hours- SHIFT ME TO HIGHER VIBES- Had my love, loyalty, MY HEART... But 9 years now THAT I rarely sing. And since Covid struck & affected my friends who HELD / created THAT "SHIELD", I feel I lost my safe space ... Will there ever be another?? NOW WHAT IS SAFE? WHO IS SAFE TO BE AROUND ANYMORE THESE DAYS?

It is broken now-

MUSIC still stirs and lifts me some🥰

But this inviting warmth, love and energy- THAT POWERFUL energy that beckoned me out of hiding TO BE WITH THEM. To sing & move & play with my beloved music making friends/fam-LOST it's power😭

It's is STILL UNSAFE & UNDESIRABLE to leave the house 28 months NOW passed* written in July* . STILL DON'T want to go outside- NOT EVEN FOR THEM -who I've ALWAYS BEEN WILLING TO /able to ignore my people /crowd anxiety for- UNTILL Covid attacked🤬😭 My Music (My friends/family) MY CONSTANT source of comfort & joy.

[Life outside of school & weekends at grandpa's house WAS Spending childhood hiding in your room...scared from the arguing and cries of momma being abused downstairs... ANGRY BECAUSE "YOU'RE TOO WEAK AND AFFRAID TO STOP IT! WHY CAN'T YOU BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO PROTECT MOMMA?" Why DIDN'T MOMMA STAY AWAY FROM MEN? Angry at men. DID NOT LIKE OR TRUST THEM. Angry at momma for allowing them to scare us all & abuse her. Didn't have anywhere safe. No friends' house to go to, to escape, have fun and be a kid. MANY DAYS OF SCHOOL MISSED because fighting, rock music blaring * HATED ROCK AS I WAS GROWING UP - It was on; meant drunken fight that night. Fall asleep near twilight. Miss the bus.* Learned people are unsafe. Better to be alone.] Alone but NEVER alone when you have your 'friends/family' as companions- their voices, melodies soothe, always singing to you through the speakers. Then FINALLY you get to see a few of them LIVE on stage in adulthood.

WANNA GO PLAY. BE WITH MY FRIEDS LIVE NOW. SING . SAY HELLO... Get HUGS & KISSES IN WHEN I CAN.

But my thinking nowadays is:

Music,

My shelter ... Happiness "Shield". My place of refuge I ran to and counted on for calm & protection. I BELIEVED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE -Is Now Penetrated. For when my musician friends (And "Mami" Gloria) tested positive for Covid ( And Yes, They were vaccinated!) It was devastatingly OBVIOUS that my "Shield" WAS NOT AS STRONG AS I BELIEVED IT TO BE. The instruments they held & played, the powerful vocals they sang: DID NOT PROTECT THEM FROM GETTING COVID ANYWAY!

COVID BROKE MY SHIELD. It broke my happy place. My safe space. It broke the light stream that fed & boosted my heart & soul. Even though I still feel the pull of song beckoning me to come outside to be with & play with my beloved musicians friends, it's just not strong enough anymore to get me willing to go outside in public for mingling with people/crowds.

I wish the power of the 'music shield' would be restored. I MISS MY NORMAL INDESTRUCTIBLE MUSIC SHIELD & friends.

{ Music, always my comfort, my companionship, my shelter to hide in...COCOONED in the song. Happily singing along. I am safe. Fear is gone. Depression is forgotten. Never alone... My friends always with me. As long as the music plays, I am free to dance, be free ... to be ME. My soul lifts inside, I smile, laugh, cry. Allow EVERY emotion to be expressed. FEELING THE MUSIC, I SOARED WITH HAPPINESS ... auto ENERGISE. The closest I've come to the feeling of flight. With music playing, EVERYTHING WAS ALRIGHT. }

OH, HOW I MISS THIS WONDERFUL FEELING. A RAREITY TO GET ANYMORE. Especially now that I'm not seeing any of my friends:- Pat(Benatar) & Neil Giraldo *God I don't wanna call her by or have to youtube search 'that last name'* , Tuatha Dea, Ginger (and sweet, supportive- accompaniment of her husband ) Ackley - My friends I met at Cleveland Pagan Pride Fest in 2015- , Nightwish at LIVE PERFORMANCES.

My sweet friend - Ginger Ackley Stopped us to give me her cd that night we met : Cleveland PPD August 22, 2015

Tuatha Dea the year we met : Cleveland PPD (August 22, 2015)

Look closely a minute or so in- assisted by roommate who drove me- ... I was slightly embarrassed to find it posted that year. Now since it seems I no longer will be attending in the future : glad this memory is preserved.

Me at night on drum in crowd. First time (August 22, 2015)

So much FUN!! I didn't know I was photo Bombing the video though LOL

Hopefully my only youtube video

Now I have 'TEACHER/mommies' Shield at least in my too many trips to daydream in a day world🥰😘

Grateful YES. But being in your head IS NOT GETTING OUTSIDE in the 'real' world... IS IT?

**Happily I am blessed to have REACHED OUT and communicated some with 2 of my beloved teachers THIS YEAR! * Have attempted to with another . Happy to have seen & SHARED A few pics on FB to my blog. "Teacher mommies" - My Special Ed. teachers; From elementary school & high school days of the 80's - 90's. OH WHAT A HEART BEAMING GIFT! STILL, I WANT TO BE WITH THEM IN PERSON AGAIN ...

HEART SCREAMS, " I WANT THEM! " I NEED THEM "

Thoughts say "NO! YOU CAN NOT ASK REMEMBER TO RESPECT THEM. BOUNDARIES

Oh this tug-of-war inside, the happiness inside my mind- Fantasy: I GET TO PLAY with my beloved teachers again! WE go on road trips, spend holidays together, hang out at the beach, go for boat rides.--HELL WE ALL Take turns staying at the other's house- Sometimes we just ALL LIVE TOGETHER in the same apartment building. *FUN, AND Lots easier for me to go to and from for daily visits* Me & 3 of my teacher mommies! AAH! I find myself grinning from ear to ear.

Untill reality so cruelly chimes in ... to remind me,

"WAKE UP! It's ONLY A DAYDREAM YOU FOOL"

Sadness grips, tears fall. I keep reminding myself to SAKE IT OFF! "Be grateful for the gift of reconnection YOU HAVE GOTTEN with them"

SMACK!!! Back to REALITY! They CAN NOT LIFT YOU IN YOUR WHEELCHAIR. They CAN NOT CARRY YOU! That's assuming THEY'D EVEN WANT TO LET YOU COME PLAY (and STAY OVER a while) AT THEIR HOUSE? AND WHY WOULD THEY?

Besides IT'S BEEN 29 months now since ANYONE has lifted you, 29 months since you've even ridden in a car. CLAIMING YOU * Never been comfortable with people lifting you /and your chair, carrying you up & down stairs to go in or out SINCE CHILDHOOD* (true, but I tolerated it way better in childhood. At least I WAS a wee bit Smaller, and EVERYONE lifting me was younger back then.)

YOU CAN'T ASK YOUR TEACHER MOMMIES TO COME GET YOU!

YOU CAN'T ASK THEM "Mom, Can I come over and play ? I want to hug & kiss you and snuggle close. Feel safe in your arms? . Talk, laugh, be silly... spend the week 'even just a day' with you. I just yearn to [ BE in PHYSICAL CONTACT ] reconnect. PLEASE! **Note: I kinda already SHAMEFULLY Confessed my desire, Tagged 2 names on recent FB posts... Naughty SHAME deleted a day later (hoped they'd see "To know") but embarrassed of everyone else seeing. And ashamed of my desperate plea ask. I know it's inappropriate. I KNOW I'm CLINGING. BUT I ALSO WANT TO BE WITH THEM... How can hope I BE, if I DON'T EXPRESS THIS TO THEM?**

Reminiscent- Stories read-by Mrs. A. M. * In 6th grade: My mainstream class Language Arts, teacher, Mrs. L. F. was so kind to read and record some of the assigned reading books to cassette for me. TY shout out, my love to you in spirit* , games played, field trips, : To the circus, zoo, bowling alley, restaurants, store -to buy momma a birthday/Mother's Day gift: Bon Jovi: Slippery When Wet cassette & red nail polish. Didn't know what to do. Had $ 6. It was over $ 6. (didn't know about Tax then) I just hesitantly put it on the counter. They bagged it and handed it to me. PS: Thank you thoughts to whomever, for covering me, sent out to you some 35 years later. I loved jamming out in class(es) somedays. Classroom cleaning days we made more enjoyable with music. *We listened to music on cassette & vinyl in my Spanish classes too*

What kids in High School are so fortunate, to have an awesome teacher who bought us a cassette to listen to in class... EACH specific to our favorite genre? MUSIC TASTES EXPANSION! TY. Shout out to High School teacher, Ms. D.O. who took me on a few outings : Me & class friend/sis. I got to have my second sleepover EVER at her house BECAUSE teacher dropped us off there together one Friday after school.

Two years ago, I found Jo Jorgensen August 18, 2020

Some things about her I found TO MY DELIGHT _

+ SHE was running for US. President ( WOO HOO! I have only ever wanted a female president)

+ Third Party candidate (WOW! There are OTHER parties besides D. & R.? AWESOME! I'll register to vote I guess)

+ Discovery - She is a TEACHER ! ( TEACHER: MINE! I'm KEEPING HER! ... of Psychology. Oh I need her. WE NEED HER!)

+ Nickname: "Mama Jo" Fitting I should EXCITEDLY BEAM with affection... and become attached. ( Ok, Jo Jo WELCOME TO MY CLUB!! I now dub you, My 'ADOPTED' Teacher "Mommy")

So for nearly 2 years since ; I have been STUCK ON JO! HAPPY MOOD BOOST EVERY TIME I SEE HER POSTS OR WATCH HER ON VIDEO, I SMILE.

" I WANT TO BE WITH TEACHER" I NEED TO CHAT WITH HER"

About (My) freedom; from psych perspective- TEACHER- I LOVE TEACHER . Teacher is SAFE! I want to be with Jo Jo. Maybe teacher can coax me outside? Talk to me, give me ideas about HOW I ( a disabled UNEMPLOYED, Resistant to: authority *I DON'T WANT NO BOSSES*/daily routine structure, SCARDY-CAT of living life in the world outside... person ) MIGHT MAKE MONEY * NOT FOREVER LIVE OFF SSI, SD, MEDICAID, MEDICARE FOREVER. HELP!

OH AND I WANT TO BE WITH YOU. GIVE YOU HUGS & KISSES!

And since November 2021, I want to go outside ... But ... My mind says,

"Jo Jo , TEACHER! COME GET ME! Only Teacher is safe! WON'T GO OUTSIDE WITHOUT TEACHER" Daydreaming of it DAILY * Sad I actually dreamed Jo DID in February*( I know NUTS!)- Only in dreams.

I CRY BECAUSE I WISH THE DREAM To BECOME REALITY.

Thought: Jo won't come. Wanting teacher so badly I was inspired to look up MY teachers. Maybe I can connect to them & have a little contentment? Maybe I'll stop whining and clinging to Jo so much if I connect to my OWN teachers*Wanting THEM subconsciously all along- Jo as the TEACHER I COULD SEE/HEAR, GOT ALL THE YEARING (inside that I tucked away) FOR MY TEACHERS... I loved, I trusted-I was willing to follow directions - I wished I could be with many outside of class as friends...NEVER WANTED TO LEAVE THEM... ESPECIALLY NOT MY TEACHER "MOMMIES" But Life's STUPID "You have No CHOICE" made us separate.

Now this year after 32 years I connect with my Elementary School teacher. After 25 years THIS YEAR, MY HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER- ON THE PHONE! I heard HER VOICE AGAIN. Should be enough just HAVING THIS MIRACLE ... YET, I'm WISHING TEACHER MOMMIES will come drag my scaredy-cat STUBBORN ASS OUT THE HOUSE! I'm SURE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO DRAG ME THOUGH, 'Cause THEY can motivate me. I'll try to resist the urge to happily RUSH INTO THEIR ARMS. I adore them. I HAVE MISSED THEM. Can I PLEASE, PLEASE HUG THEM IN REAL LIFE?

Teacher: Some are EXTRA "Moms"

Likely A FANTASY that WON'T HAPPEN ...But Just in case, I'm asking in this story. I don't know what else will get me out. WHAT ELSE would be something that I WANT TO COME OUT FOR? Medical crisis? Social Security summons (I doubt it. IN PERSON I'll skip )? The house floods?

Yeah maybe, but ALL THOSE REASONS ARE SCARY.

I rather BE HAPPY TO GO WITH a TEACHER MOMMY!

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Notes of acknowledgement

Why I call my Special Ed teachers "mommy"

Elementary School; Think I was 7 years old, I wanted to ask the teacher, Mrs. A. M. something ... Raise my hand (anxious to get her attention) Don't know what made me, just suddenly, I called out "MOMMY"

We all busted into laughter! I'm laughing hard. Confused. WHY I SAID Mommy? That's not your MOMMY. Your mommy is at home. That's teacher! Laughed some more... How silly, I thought.

Freshman year, Fall 1996 : High School teacher, Ms. D.O. Some of us JUST FLAT OUT decided She's "MOM"

Happy Memory- Phone call day with her mom. "Mom, can we say hi??" HMM??OK. We gather 'round the phone ... All at once, "HI NANA"

(The thought of "Accidentally" calling out "MOMMY" in class nearly a decade earlier.... became EVIDENT TO ME, THAT word That sentiment WAS SPOT ON REAL for how I felt for teacher- It was INDEED "MOMMY" affection, that I felt for teacher. By High School I OWNED & HONORED IT . EXPRESSED IT OPENLY. And Teacher "mom" ALLOWED IT! ) Thank you! XOXO

Thank You Jo Jo for inspiring me: to hold on to the possibility of change in society - BEING MY MOOD SHIFTER.

THANK YOU FOR STIRRING MEMORIES THAT INSPIRED ME TO LOOK FOR AND REACH OUT TO MY TEACHER MOMMIES, as YOU became my 'adopted' one. Daydreaming of being all together these days. HAPPY temporarily, I guess is better than not, right? Not to mention cool fact that links - * Jo Jo & A.M. do share A NAME* * I share a name with D. & Jo's mommy.

Want to give love and appreciation to my teacher moms.

WITH SPECIAL LOVE TO MY NANAS (all in Spirit)

Thank you nanas for giving life to each of your beautiful daughters.

Thank you for nurturing, protecting, teaching & encouraging, allowing each of them to become genuinely good human beings TO grow .

To choose to become TEACHERS * TOP among my list of : TRUST & RESPECT-WORTHY - safe space as human beings I LOVE ALWAYS!

So fortunate our souls met. That they became MY TEACHERS/ Mommy, Mom, Jo Jo - Collectively- "TEACHER MOMMIES" to me.

Who taught me love, loyalty, generosity, compassion, kindness, patience. -As they shown to me-

WHO HEARD ME. WHO COMFORTED ME & ENCOURAGED ME. Provided me with entertainment, childhood enrichment experience outings etc. That I would NOT have gotten otherwise!

I LOVE YOU! Teacher MOMMY (all 4 includes Jo )

I LOVE YOU NANAS XOXO

- Bonnie (BJSE) August 30, 2022 6:58pm