How do I find acceptance (Within Myself)?

How do I find acceptance (Within Myself)?

I sit here and wonder why I am forever dissatisfied. I want to roam free on Earth.

Constantly

on the move. The reality that it isn't possible to roam "free" physically, nor financially, is a constant source of disgust for me. I know I don't want to be alone. But, it seems the only way to be. It is unfair of me to always be relying on people...well knowing my limitations, the people that I rely on, can never rely on me in the same way. I believe this to be 1 reason why, while I do want to be with people, it is only for a year maximum. In order to ensure that the blessings I receive through someone's assistance aren't too far exceeding the burdens from which they come. This only reflects to me my inequality. I am constantly shamed by this "TRUTH" of ever knowing I do not have anything to equally offer in return for what I'm given. Thus, I've always felt I should be given NOTHING at all. Yet, I usually accept what I am given and I AM GRATEFUL! The consequences of being given things however is that, I have never learned the emotional and physical strength, perseverance nor fulfillment and pride in myself that is solely born out of self-reliance and ...

independent

achievements.

I am also NOT in acceptance of long term. I feel confused and unsettled [tied down-enslaved by routine] by what drives people to be somewhere or do anything day after day. I feel out of place. People saying, "That's just life".... And they can cope with repetitiveness - I don't understand why I can't. Why I am rebellious? Why? Do I resist- refuse and or fail to conform to FIT the structured social expectation [MUST I YEARN FOR yet FAIL to find and cultivate the way] Why do I seek evolution, to feel unrestricted?

PEOPLE SAY, THEY WISH THEY COULD DO WHAT THEY WANT WHENEVER THEY WANT.... BUT LIFE DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY!!!

I'm very Non-compliant in nature. I don't believe any person should be "controlled" by another person in any capacity. Reality People... We were NOT created by ourselves!! We do not decide Life & Death!! * Though we want to think we do. FRUSTERATING to know this Fact: as I long to Live

UNRULED

by mere man . I always question Authority...

Why do people think they Have It? Why are we inclined to fear consequences set by members of our own MORTAL species? I reject this, but am EXPECTED to accept / comply... Being and doing what everyone else does. But, not expected to, because I don't meet the standard requirements/ qualifications of PRODUCTIVITY/ performance--- Solely for the purpose of generating maximum PROFIT.. Wondering HOW does Profit seem to trump the value of life itself. I resist it; yet feel "the pull" to be equal. Is it fair of me to resist? As everyone struggles and hurts; to settle for being trapped by money & man, just to fight for survival. Knowing death inevitable? NO. Because that isn't fair, I eat, have shelter, use utilities etc. on someone else's dime! Ashamed by my inequality. Resistant to conformity. Fighting for everyone to be seen, accepted, celebrated, and loved for being themselves.

I've struggled my whole life. Wanting to be equal and treated the same. While longing to embrace myself, and to be embraced by others "AS IS". Just to face the hard truth that neither reality will ever fully exist. I do not think I am worthy of anything I am given. I am always confronted by my weakness-unwillingness to conquer fear. Forever seeking to avoid pain, struggles, discomfort everyone faces.

If I could force myself

into self- reliance by denying/ stripping myself of comfort and convenience and all life-sustaining materials ... Would I find my fight for life? To Prevail. Or, simply succumb to my true reflection of weakness? I am compelled to take the easy way out. Bringing my own disapproval to light. I refuse to fight in the plight for life of mankind and myself!! Still longing for life to end. All the while hoping to avoid the pain that is the inescapable path we take. So, How do I find acceptance?

~~~~~

- BJSE

THIS IS MY SELF-REFLECTION LAMENT -

MY INTERNAL LIFE -LONG STRUGGLE (Caught between) going AGAINST THE GRAIN OF SOCICALLY ACCEPTED "Normal" ***Being totally myself, AS IS *** And knowing You are never truly ALLOWED.

Still relevant to me in present day- As a disabled person YEARNING to be -FREE & INDEPENDENT. But the fact is BEING A DEPEPENT :Receiving assistance for daily living tasks & financial coverage of living expenses my entire life...

Well this DOES NOT equate to free or independent-

Written by me: December 8, 2012 7:05pm

What are your thoughts? CAN YOU RELATE?