How 2020 Nearly Destroyed Me

2020 started off as a bad year before it was ever Covid. On January 4, 2020 after a two week break from work, I returned only to be sexually assaulted before the end of my first shift back by a coworker I had worked with a handful of times prior to this happening. After reporting what happened to my direct supervisors, I left that night and never returned. I had already suffered from PTSD from being in an abusive relationship for 8 years in my early 20s. After this happened, I went into shock for a week. I had no idea I hadnt reacted to what had happened, until one week later when my husband and I got into a fight; even as I write this, I couldnt tell you what the fight was over which means it was a dumb fight that never should have happened.

I was put on SafeWork BC and now not working and waiting to get counselling. This resulted in more strains on my marriage and my family.

Fast Forward to March 17, 2020. This is the day that the world shut down for us here in Canada. Even if I had still been working, I would have been laid off and still laid off till the date of writing this piece. This was the day that my then 10 year old and 13 year old were home full time for nearly 7 months.

7 months of no routine.

7 months of too much screen time.

7 months of too much food delivery services.

But also…

7 months of nearly no happy memories

7 months of stress

7 months where communication lacked

We all lived through Wave 1 and the Summer of minimal numbers, then school started back and stress and worry was on the forefront of every person with a child or elder in their life. Then covid started hitting the 20 and 30 year olds. My demographic. Me, who already has issues with my body; Me, who feels terrified to get sick because if I die, will my husband be able to handle raising two girls who are not biologically his?

My worry had come from a place of reason, when the world shut down for the first 3 months, my husband continued to work and more than full time hours because nearly everyone he worked with took the option for E.I. and he stayed on, but it took a toll on his mental health and ultimately our whole families mental health.

Although the world had shut down, the word essentials seemed to be slowly becoming the word of 2020, and the one thing that seemed to hurt so many was the fact that alcohol was not only considered essential but advertised as such. Living in a place like the Okanagan where alcoholism is not only socially acceptable but; If your friend bought a 12 case of wine for $99, you are not allowed to judge, or if you are noticing your kids can collect cans because the 15 of beer that is always entering your house. These are just things that are just not talked about. And, it should be.

Unfortunately like the words Mental Health, its something we hear about but its not talked about as much as it should be.

When our mental health is lacking, it can feel like the walls are slowly closing in. Our tempers become shorter, we start leaning on things to make us not feel the pain. Our relationships start to suffer, and it's all because we weren't doing the one thing that we are humans are designed to do; communicate. We are not communicating with ourselves, or the people around us.

By the time September had rolled around what seemed to be the longest year in history, the looming second wave was before us and tensions were at an all time high around my home.

The month before I had gotten word from the police officier that I had given my report to, that the crown had decided my actions of being friendly to a coworker made is seem like I was coming on to him and thus asking for the denied and refused to, sexual assault, that I still to this day suffer aniexty from. I had returned to working after I found this out. The first job I was employed for a total of 4 days because on the 5th day of work before I even got out of my car, the owner of the company came and knocked on my window and asked if I could chat.

This was his kind way of trying to say “I am about to fire you.” As it would turn out, I was let go because the owner was tired of his drivers complaining that I was on them to get their butts in gear when we had calls (I was a dispatcher for a local tow company). So, what that meant is that I was fired for doing my job.

I returned home that morning after being “let go” to inform my husband of my yet another failed attempt at the working industry. He could tell that I felt defeated, he called me from work a few hours later and offered me a job to come work in his kitchen, they were short staffed and while people may think I was crazy for accepting a job to work alongside my husband. What you may not know is I actually like my husband. Which is why this story is so important to tell. (Our story is a tale for another day).

I loved working alongside my husband in the kitchen, it had been 20 years since I had been in an industrial size kitchen and the first time ever working in a corporate kitchen. My husband had as many years in the kitchen as I had out but we flowed like nothing I had experienced before. For the first time in my life, I took pride in the work I was doing because what if the meal I prepared for someone ended up being their last meal before they ended up in an ICU. I felt like in some small way I was contributing to make the world a bit better. That joy died quickly in a place filled with people who didn't really care, they were there for a paycheque, nothing more; nothing less.

I started looking for other employment and quickly found a place that seemed it would be fitting for my background. The operations manager had been in the customer service industry for so long that she actually fooled me. Which seems like a feat on its own because I have worked in nearly every area of sales and service throughout most of my adult life. Quickly I learnt that being a Branch Manager of 4 walls means nothing when you are the only employee, but at least I was alone. Except for when I would get the odd walk in customer. It gave me time to try and attempt to learn my job since my Operations Manager had been too busy on her phone that she told me within the first 5 minutes of arriving that we were never to be on.

After the first week on the job, my mental health was suffering from being in a place that I was so unhappy at; at last my physical health caught up with my mental health and my body shut down, right at the beginning of wave two.

After negatively testing for covid, I was still off for a week with completely depleted energy and no desire to eat; I slept more that week than I had in a very long time. But I also took some, “me” time.

I took CBD Baths, spent time deep in thought, and realized that if something didn't change soon; I wasn't sure how much longer my physical body could hold on. I decided that week that no matter how much I hated my job, and my coworkers. I was making more money than my husband and working more hours. I had to just hold on.

Then my daughter got sick and thankfully tested negative for covid also, but then two weeks after being off for a week and my daughter getting sick; I went in for my first shift of the week and before I had even taken my jacket off, I had a sharp shooting pain in my chest; it was going down my arm and out my back. Of course web drs said I must be having a heart attack which at 35 year old, that is a scary thought to sit with. For two hours, unsure what I was supposed to do. There was no one to cover my shift and I had already missed so much time. I sat in a state of panic; unsure what to do and scared. The more scared I became the more the pain hurt and soon it started to hurt to breathe. Anyone with mental health issues may be thinking I was having a panic attack, and you might be right. When my coworker whom i like came over to tell me something she took one look at me and told me I had to go to the hospital. Before I had even finished the email to my Operations Manager, she was already walking in and asking me what was wrong. Within 7 minutes I was in a cab on my way to the local hospital.

The doctor did an EKG, X-Ray and blood work panel and everything came up good. My pain had been so bad he had given me not only 7 cc’s of morphine but something that I was told was stronger than morphine. By the end of my visit, I was sleepy and sore and off for another week while I waited for the possibility of a rash developing as the doctor thought it was possible I might be getting shingles.

The week before I was laid off, my wonderful Operations Manager called me to advise me that the company I had been working for had been sold effect 6pm which was 4 hours from the time she called. I quickly scrambled to get an appointment with an online doctor to ask to move me to the work from home team. I knew my absences would not be looked well upon and with my illness on an up flare this seemed like the safest way to protect my job.

4 days later, I would see an ad for my job. I still hadn’t received the offer letter I was told would be sent by end of day four days earlier. Instead, I waited and walked in and spoke to my former employer who informed me that on the day that I had been rushed to the hospital, he had instructed my then Operations Manager to move me to the work from home team. He had wanted to give me some job security, what he didn't know was that upon completion of the sale of the business, the company who bought it had decided that the “work from home” team was a liability and decided that everyone who was on that team would be laid off instead of taken with the company.

When this happened my home life felt like it went from bad to worse in a matter of hours. Thankfully I had been approved for EI but now my income had gone down by $120 a month and I could see my husband was struggling with supporting me and my ever changing efforts.

After two days of not talking to each other, and my husband sleeping on the couch, I wrote him an email. I wrote down how I had been feeling, how I was so close to falling apart and if he didn't want to be a part of this family then he knew where the door was. After I explained to my kids that I really didn't want to ruin Christmas and they told me they just wanted me to be happy. That was all I could think about, what would make me happy?

I knew I loved my husband and I wasn't ready to give up on our marriage of only 5 years, instead I wanted to figure out a way for us to communicate. That's when I found the 5 Love Languages App/Quiz, this not only helped my marriage but it helped my family too. First my husband and I took the quiz and linked up on the app so we could compare results.

The first thing I did after I realized that he had done what I had asked and he had taken the quiz and now I knew what he was lacking, what I hadn't been giving him. Why he hadn’t felt loved by me. I came down the stairs and I wrapped my arms around him and I didnt let go, I cried; we just held each other. It was like somehow through all the darkness, we had found our way back to each other. It was not going to be an easy road ahead but at least we were all coming from the same place.

After we took the test, we had our now 11.5 and 14.5 year olds take the PreTeen and Teen tests so we could compare their results. My husband told me that he realized how the girls had been trying to show him love and how he hadn't seen it; it was a learning experience for everyone.

In the time that I was trying to heal my marriage and my family, I needed to get a handle on my kids. While we had a haphazard chore routine, there was no structure. No real routine, and the consequences to actions were not clear. So, while I worked on healing my marriage, I set in place a two week chore, shower, laundry chart for my girls; I changed the screen time rules; starting from winter break going forward with new during school rules. I also told them what the consequences for not doing their chores are.

When we finally sat down again together as a family; we had rules, structure and a better understanding of how we all heard/felt/received love.

Life is definitely not perfect, but the ebb of the ever changing ebb and flow is not so sharp anymore. While feelings may still get hurt, they don't last as long. Everyone knows what is expected of themselves. This weekend we are making contracts with ourselves and if we do not do what we say, our family can hold us accountable for our actions with appropriate consequences for each person.

Life is not easy and no one ever said it would be, but with a strong will and a desire for better anything is possible.

“Change is One Voice, Speaking Louder than the Rest” - Jenna Jones nee. Nelson