Her last breath

My name is Rose, I Commited suicide 21 days ago now. I wander around watching over my family and see their pain and their hurt....but they didn't see mine. I was good at hiding that better than even I knew. My family loved me very much and I know they miss me...before I reach the light I need to tell my story... Why it came to this.

When I was young, my life was filled with love and affection. I had two parents that doted on me and a brother and sister that had my back always. I had no worries or cares in the world, skipping up and down the fresh cut grass, humming my favourite Britney spears songs I had not one care in the world. Nothing to be frightened of, the world was beautiful. Growing up I had everything I needed... Food in my belly, a roof over my head, a warm bed to be tucked into at night and a family that cared about me. I was home.

I remember my first day of primary school, a drastic change from nursery, less playing more learning. I had friends, is play hopscotch at break times while sun the warmed the back of my neck... Reenact princess tales, swaying my pinky dress around like a ball gown and playing pretend. I'd look forward to going to school...until I got in to year three.

Year three flew at me quicker than I ever imagined. My mum started a job at the school and then the bullying started. I was embarrassed... Not because my mum worked there but because people were making me feel like it was something to be ashamed of...like id did something wrong...then it was my hair, you see, my hair is... Was very curly and sometimes hard to manage... Kids used to call me bush or frizzy head and I didn't like it...not on top of being bullied for my mum working at the same school as me. Friends would fall out with me every week and pick on me until they wanted to be friends with me again and if let them. This was when I started to find school not so fun anymore. It came to a point where my mum thought it was best to move me to a different school to give me a fresh start. I thought this was going to be a good thing. How foolish I was.

Homelife was still good, I just didn't spend much time with family, I would hide away in my bedroom, listening to music and being invisible. Mum and dad would always ask me if I was okay and if always respond with...”yes I'm fine”. I wasn't... I was anxious about starting a new school. What if it happens again? What if I'm the odd one out? Always wondering what if. Until the day came.

I woke up the next morning, the bright blue sky piercing through my window and the sound of birds singing made me feel somewhat hopeful of a good day. I got up out of bed and began to get ready for my first day at my new school, I put my new denim jeans on with my trainers and a t-shirt before heading downstairs for breakfast. Mum made me some cereal and toast while I watched cartoons and got my bag ready, we are, then headed off for our fifteen-minute walk to school. We arrived at the gates... They were big and like green, the playground was full of kids screaming, laughing and joking, no one stopped to look at me or poke fun at me, they were bush enjoying themselves. For the first time I felt like I was going to be okay in this school, what was I worrying about?. The bell rings and we all head inside and I get introduced to my new classmates. All very nice, smiling at me saying welcome to St James, a sigh of relief slipped past my lips as I sat down in my chair, grateful that so far... Everything was going well. The first and second lesson ends so quickly to me, English and history... I enjoyed English and most of history as it took me back to time I never knew, times that we're great, heroic, dangerous and scary. It was like time travelling to me and I loved each minute but then the bell rings... It's break time. We got up off our seats and head outside to play, I'm scoping the playground and see children playing football, blasting the ball into the huge dark blue metal nets with a basketball hoop hung directly above, Girls sitting on the green grass laughing amongst one another about things only they knew, I inhaled and took it all in when this boy, a few years above me comes over to me and laughs, pointing towards my trainers he laughs and says “theyre the ugliest trainers I've ever seen, who even wears that rubbish anymore, how embarrasing”. Well that was it, my perfect bubbly of happiness, stress free fresh start has gone totally out the window and this is only day one. I ran to the bathroom and cried, I thought this was going to be a fresh start but it felt like I had picked up where I left off. That night I went home and told my parents, they bought me brand new shoes the very next day. Panic over, now everything should be fine. I was wrong.

Skip a year or two and I'm now in year 6, I try everything I can to make people like me, I lie about how much clothes cost, what I do after school, how amazing and cool my mum and dad are... Anything to make me seem worth being friends with id say it. Of course if always get caught in the lie at some point...but this is where it began. I wanted people to like me so badly it almost hurt. I was tired of people picking on me for my hair or my shoes or for not having a big house like most of my classmates. For once just wanted to be accepted by any means necessary. Friends would be my friend and fall out with me in the same breath, but, when one did... They all did making it feel like the loneliest time of my life, people always say school is meant to be the best years of your life, it wasn't the case for me. I hated it, every morning I hated taking that walk through the park to school, not knowing if id have friends or not when I got there or how the day was going to be. I couldnt wait for primary school to be over so I could go to high school.

And in no time it was time to sit exams and apply for high schools, in did rather well in my exams and applied to a high school I wanted to go to for ages, an all girls school. I was so excited that I got accepted and couldn't wait to start. The head teacher of the school came to speak to us all about what to expect and she learned I went to another primary school, this was when she mentioned that all the girls that picked on me was going to the high school I had chosen but she would do what she could to keep them separated from me. Great! It's like bad just follows me, wanting me to be miserable.

My mum, dad and I went to the uniform shop to pick out my high school uniform, it was a dark purple blazer with matching tie with the school emblem stitched in white. And the badge proudly etched onto the blazer pocket,, a black skirt, black pants and white shirts. I smiled at my parents and thanked them immensely, deep inside I filled with dread, I knew I didn't want to see anyone from my past. Not again.

Now the first few weeks of high school wasn't too bad actually, I got myself some new friends, I enjoyed my lessons. Things were looking up for me. Until I met a girl, I'll call her Demi, I thought she was beautiful, I knew I was attracted to girls before this but just didn't understand why, turned out she liked me too. We got talking and slowly became a thing, well... A thing that lasted a week. No one knew we liked girls besides us two and it broke me when she left me the way she did. Like it was no big deal. So I told my friends and of course... They tell their friends and it got round the school... Next thing I know girls are coming up to me yelling at me in groups asking me why I lied about demi... “Demi doesn't like girls”. “Youre a dirty lesbian” etc... I put my head down, tears rolling down my cheek and headed for next lesson. That's when demi stormed into my class asking me why I said anything. I told her how angry I was and hurt by her but she didn't care. I know what I did was wrong but I reacted out of pain. It was my first romance and it meant a lot to me. For once someone briefly cared for me. I wasn't ready to loose it. But I did.

P.e was worse, everyone looking at me making sure I wasn't watching them dress or undress, laughing at me because I was different. I tried to tell the teachers but it made things worse. I was heading home one day when I felt something scratch my face and then push me to the floor... It was a classmate, she picked me up by my blazer with her friend helping, pinned me to the bustop an just kept punching and kicking and sractching. They ran away and I ran home, luckily I got home before my parents did so I ran straight up the stairs and locked myself in the bathroom. I sat in there for an hour crying and crying, then, I hear the door unlock... It was my mum and she heads straight upstairs. I fix myself and head out the bathroom trying to hide my face, but this is my mum, she never missed a thing, well at least most things. “ who did that to you!” she cried, I just told her I got into a fight but she didn't believe me. So, in the end, I tell her and she calls the school. Needless to say, nothing ever came of it, the school did nothing about it and the bullying continued.

Now, fifteen year old me, year 10 getting ready for my gcses the following year. I end up speaking to a woman who I can only describe and jaw-dropping, her skin was like smooth caramel, glowing and soft, her eyes were so enchanting that one look of them had you hooked. She was gorgeous and I wanted to know her so badly. When she messaged me, the smile that came over me was something I hadn't experienced before, she gave me hope, something to look forward too. She didn't know how young I was but later found out by a friend of mine a few years down the line. We first met on my 16th birthday, I travelled to see her, anxious and excited I sat staring out of the coach window eager to arrive. I laid eyes on her one hour later and my heart skipped a beat, my breath taken from me briefly... She was heavenly. She was going through some emotional stuff which she openly talked to me about her still trying to get over her ex and that if I was patient, we could be something good. I held onto that in the hope she meant it. Every weekend I would make my way to see her, it was nice at first but then she started being nasty, calling me ugly, telling me how I was nothing compared to girls she had been with or could get. I'd cry and apologise for not being what she wanted and would try and appease the situation... But after some time of this happening I started to hate myself, more than I ever did before. Each argument felt like the end of the world to me, would cause me to panic. I'd harm myself in many different ways to try block out the pain, however, all it took was for her to be nice to me again and if forget it all. I started going out to clubs around this time and if hook up with people while I was out, is lie to her when she found out until I couldn't lie no more. I was terrified to loose her, she meant everything to me but I meant nothing to me and even less to her. This happened on and off for a few years and if see her cry and ask me to stop, I said I would and I meant it, then we would argue or if remember how vile she had been over the years at times and I would do it all over again. I'd move in, and get kicked out, few months later same thing. It was a vicious circle. It carried on until she didn't care about me anymore. Or what I did. I regret this more than ending my life. I wish I would have just stopped and been strong, thought more of myself, felt worthy of love.

One time I hurt myself quite bad, I was 16 still and me and this woman had a huge row, that same night I drank something I shouldn't have and fell asleep. I woke up the next day with real bad pains in my chest and stomach. I told a teacher and the took me straight to a hospital, this was when I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I had attempts after this all failed. I tried more when I fell out with this woman because all I wanted was to be good enough, for her to just love me, not this other girl she was finding so difficult to move on from, is always be compared to her in my eyes. Never good enough. Always trying to fight for a spot I can't see.

Year's went by, I'm in my twenties now. We split for a year, I met someone new and so did she. They were like worse versions of myself and herself. It taught me a lesson that i didn't want to be that way anymore. We ended up getting back in touch and then moved back in together. Things were going well at first, I had a stable job, I was in a happy place, I was doing what I could to right my wrongs. Then came a time she went away to visit her mum, she was gone a few days and I felt alone, but I knew shed be back so I had that to look forward to. She stayed with me all night until the morning on face time the first night. It was the cutest thing ever. When she was due to come back I had work. So I locked the door to the flat and headed for work, I knew she didn't have the main key so assumed she would head over to work. She did but she was furious that she had to come to my place of work for a key when shed been travelling all day, told me I shouldn't have double locked the door. When I got home she accused me of cheating. I pleaded and pleaded with her but there was no success. I went to bed upset and lost. I was so happy to see her, why couldn't she see that.

The next day all I could think about was ending it, over and over it replayed in my head, I couldn't shake it. I had some rope that I bought a few months before still hidden in my bag. So on my break I left work and headed home, i said goodbye to my “partner” and closed the door behind me, dropping a note through the letterbox explaining everything and headed to a hill, I drank and drank, took some tablets and drank some more. I just wanted to sleep and not wake up but the cold made it so difficult. On the hill were some steel fencing, I pulled the rope out of my bag and went to tie it around the fence, this was when I got scared. I didn't want to feel it, I didn't want to not be able to breathe. I chickened out and stumbled home. Scared and worried my “partner” told me she couldn't do this anymore, but she took care of me, put me in the shower and dressed me. Stayed with me till I was in a safe state to sleep. Like ever she had my back, she protected me. She looked out for me, even thouhni didn't deserve it.

Now this is 8 days before my death, I chose to stop drinking fluids or consuming anything that had juice or water in it. The first day wasn't so bad, I just feel really thirsty and drained mentally as if I had no sleep the night before. Day two was a little worse, the confusion kicked in and I wasn't able to focus very well, is drop things or feel dizzy often throughout the day... My lips were so cracked by this point, it was painful to speak as my mouth and throat was so dry. Day three, I felt tired all the time, my mind wasn't making sense and i would feel nauseous, my body felt weak and shaky, I was drained. Days Four and five I slept through most of and I only woke because of the head aches. Days six and seven, I didn't feel anything besides dizziness and fatigue, occasionally felt weak but mainly just a feeling of utter tiredness that in didn't even realise I was dehydrated anymore. I kept seeing things that didn't make sense or sometimes we're a little scary. Some things felt real but others not so much.

Day 8 I decided to take a long walk, going nowhere in particular but just to walk. I struggled to put my clothes on, my head spinning and my eyes aching, not being able to see much I felt around for my shoes... Put them on and made my way somehow to the front door. I smell the fresh air and begin to stumble ahead, slowly taking my time because I feel like I'm going to drop at any moment. I got ten minutes up the road from my house when I collapsed and passed out. I could feel my body getting colder and colder as time went by, “ how come no one has found me yet?”, “no one is looking for you rose that's why no one has found you”. I'd see lights flashing behind my eyes as my body continues to get colder and colder. Hours must've gone by as it was starting to get light when I realised. I was looking at myself... On the ground, I was dead... In that same moment I witnessed a lady run over to me, she was calling out to me, and I was trying to tell her but she couldn't see or hear me. It was too late. Flashing lights of blue and red filled the streets as police cars and ambulances came rushing towards my body... I just watched as they stood over me, trying to revive me. They put me on a gurney, pulled a blanket over my body, put me in the back of the ambulance and away I went to the hospital. I watched the ambulance as it drove away into the distance... No more sirens to be heard, no more rushing or panic. There was no need now, there was no saving me.

My name was rose, I lived, I lied, I loved I died. And this was my story. It's time for me to reach the light.

THE END.