Help! I'm An Extrovert Stuck in an Introvert's Brain

Have you ever felt like your social anxiety has been keeping the world from seeing the real you?

Only like all the time, right?

Yeah. Me too.

I used to be proud of my "INFP" label, thinking that it was at least an acknowledgement of my intuitive and empathic abilities and that it was my duty as an artist to be an introvert. Sure, it meant that I missed out on all of those normal activities that involved human contact, parties, friends, and being able to order food at a new restaurant without having to pop an extra couple doses of Kava when no one was looking.

Then, today, during my second video call with my Cerebral Prescriber, I apologized for repeatedly cancelling on her, and she said, "well, I understand your difficulties, sweetie, but I have rules, and I can't have you miss your next one, okay?"

I nodded my head and held back the tears that usually accompany chastisement until the call was over when I leaned back against my couch and let the tears fall.

I just felt so angry, not with her, really, because I knew she was right, but angry in general. I started to think of all of the things that my anxiety keeps me from doing. It's an ongoing list that I've been keeping since the beginning of my time on this earth, and I started to say, "well, it's just the price I pay for being an introvert." Or some garbage like that.

But that just didn't feel right to me. I realized how tired I was of being called an introvert, and I thought of all of the things that I would do if I was an extrovert:

• In high school, I would have actually joined the basketball team and gone to a dance or two.
• In college, I would have actually engaged with some of my peers who seemed interesting.
• When my friends talk about getting together, I might actually get involved and hang out with them more than once or twice a decade.
• Maybe I would have actually danced at my own wedding instead of fleeing and hiding behind the building... At. My. Own. Wedding.

I started thinking about all of these things, not for the first time, and my mind linked back up with the personality test and labels that I had recently taken, and I started to think about it. I mean, really think about it, and something clicked inside my brain.

I tell my husband all the time about things that I wish I could do. Things I want to do but can't work up the courage.

• I want to be the kind of person who joins in and organizes town events.
• I want to have host dinner parties, play boardgames and sing karaoke badly.
• I want to go on cruises and vacations and be able to make new friends.
• I want to be the one person that all my friends and acquaintances know will anticipate their needs before they can even pick up the phone to ask.
• I want to be able to say all the sarcastic, quippy and delightfully charming things that are inside my head to the random guy who passes me on the street or the mailman or the doctor.

In my own mind and heart, I have always been like Lorelei from Gilmore Girls:

Unfortunately, my introversion was always too strong. Or at least that's what I always told myself, but I got to thinking about it, and I wasn't satisfied with that answer anymore. The truth is that I always knew that was too easy. Introversion and extroversion are supposed to be personality types, not mental illness types, and I have always wanted to be someone different. I hate how my anxiety keeps me from the things I want to do and be.

So, I took the test again, but this time, I answered the questions as though I didn't have anxiety. I still answered 90% of the questions the same way, but instead of saying I would rather stay inside by myself, I selected that I would rather go out with friends, etc.

Basically, I took my social anxiety out of the equation, and I answered the questions with the me I want to be. The me I feel like I am until I'm thrust into a social situation.

So, what were the results?

Well, my usual result is "INFP," which breaks down into Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling and Perceptive with a 72% Introversion.

This time, I got the result "ENFJ," which breaks down into Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging with a 63% Extraversion.

Interestingly, the rest of the profile stayed mostly the same. I'm still Intuitive, Feeling, and Turbulent (I might've known that one!)

The only other thing that changed was my "planning" changed from "Prospecting" to "Judging." I found this interesting because the only answers that changed were the ones that involved social situations, so clearly, there's an aspect of my social interactions that is affecting my planning (now that I say this, it makes more sense).

Here's a picture of the past and present results:

So, there you have it.

My whole life I have been wishing that the world would see the me that I see, but the truth is that I haven't been seeing the real me either. This idea that a website or a test can tell us the sort of personality we have is a little sketchy to begin with, but when you add in variables like social anxiety and other mental illnesses, the results can get a little skewed.

Because the truth is that I do enjoy a nice quiet night at home with a good book, but I really want to be out and with my friends and making new friends, organizing town-wide parties, and hosting coffee seminars for the public!

After all these long years of wishing I was someone I'm not, I've come to realize that I really am that person that I want to be, but I'm stuck inside a brain that is crippled with anxiety disorder and social phobias.

Maybe to you and others, this realization is plain as day, but sometimes it is really hard to see through the forest when it's inside our own minds.

So, after decades of thinking I was an introvert who wanted to be an extrovert, it turns out maybe I'm actually just an extrovert who is trapped inside the mind of an introvert.

Maybe we all are...

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