Goodbye

Journal Entry....my day one

Where do I start. I am so beyond pissed. You lied to me, you have always lied. Every single thing you have said has been untrue. You have stolen everything from me and I want it all back.

I am taking it all back.

You say I have everything I ever dreamed of, what dream? That was a huge lie from the gecko. That dream was yours not mine, you put that there and made sure I believed it was all that mattered.

I had dreams before you, I had plans and I had goals and none of them, not one, included you.

You seeped into my reality and warped it. With maticulous malice you pushed all that I had been deep, deep down so I forgot.

I forgot who I was. I became you and all that you are and I hate you for it. You’ve made me confuse love with obsession, dependence and co dependence. None of that is love I do know what love is and you’re not it, not anymore.

Damn you damn you for taking away my love for biking, for walking, for nature. These are the latest things on a long list of things you have stolen.

This all started so long ago I barely remember when you were not here. But I’ve started too, so be worried be scared because fuck you.

You first came into my life and told me you would protect me. That if I focused on you I wouldn’t have to be sad or lonely or scared.

You told me that I would be good enough if I morphed myself into you.

You told me the biggest lie, that in order to fit in I had to look a certain way and you became more and more specific and more and more relentless.

Damn you for making my life about numbers and appearance. What does appearance even matter if all you’ve done is made me hate what I see and hate who I am? .... That’s so sad.

You took away my ability to see love.

I have so so so many people who love me and because of you I have become blinded too it. You have warped what love looks like to me.

The people that love me do not give a flying fuck what I look like. They never have and they never will. My real self, the me I used to know would never be friends with anyone who valued appearance more than the actual person. You took that reality away from me and replaced it with the most warped sense of love I have ever known and unbelievably I didn’t even realize.....Until now.

I do have another voice you know, my real one.

You’ve drowned it out but it’s starting to come back. I am so much more than you. I’ll be dammed if I am going to let you take any more away from me.

I truly am going to learn how to be unapologetically myself.

I’d forgotten how to really feel, you helped me to do that by lying to me once again.

How insane for you to tell me that drinking would help. That it would help me numb what was already numb by you. Fuck you for saying if I drank I wouldn’t need to eat and then changing that narrative to if I drank I would be able to eat. What the actual fuck.

You have made me into the most shallow person I know, that’s so scared of her own shadow she has to think less of others just to feel justified on this earth.

What nonsense. You make no sense. You are my definition of insanity.

I’m exposing you and that’s your biggest fear, to be shown for what you are.

I’m doing the one thing you always begged me not to do. To tell your stories, your lies and all your rules out loud.

I’m going to shine the most brilliant light on every shadow you have. To bring you out of hiding and let you go.

You are so terrified to disappear because then that only leaves me and who am I without you?

I am absolutely going to find that out. To be one person again and too rewire my brain to live without you.

What I will tell you though is that behind all the hate I have for you is fear.

You’ve made me scared of life but that’s really all you ever were is fear. I feel sorry for you. You are everything I despise but letting you go will be the hardest thing we have ever done.

I’m ready to be whole again, without you....but with so much more in return.