Functioning Through Alcoholism in Parenthood

“After the first glass, you see things as you wish they were. After the second, you see things as they are not. Finally, you see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.” — Oscar Wilde, on absinthe

I’m what you would call a functioning alcoholic.

I like to drink practically every night — and when I say practically, I mean every night. My poison is usually rum or vodka (depending on preference or availability), but I dabble with other liquors as well. Never wine or beer.

At restaurants, my mouth waters, and I’ll eye out the drink menu before I even think of appetizers.

To be honest, my drinking used to be much worse. Before motherhood, I would drink in my room until I passed out. The term alcoholic never really crossed my mind as I could go to work the next day without any problems.

Sure, I would swallow 4 Tylenol and wash it down with 16 ounces of water, but I would still be able to function.

Pregnancy stopped my drinking for 2 years. The moment I found out I was pregnant, I quit. Another reason I never considered myself an alcoholic; The ability to stop seemingly on command.

If you told me to quit just to quit — tell me I could never drink again — I would look at you and throw a toddler tantrum.

Alcoholism is the inability to control drinking due to both a physical and emotional dependence on alcohol. — Mayoclinic

I had my first sip of beer when I was 16 at a park on a bench at night. Typical Friday night with high schoolers — some older — and someone passed me a beer.

I opened it, took a sip, then drank it all. They gave me another one.

After the third one, I thought how silly this was; I didn’t feel a thing. Until I stood up. A friend escorted me to their car, and I enjoyed the tipsy feeling. I felt light as a feather and happy.

As years went by, I craved that feeling again. Then I turned 21 and always kept a bottle of rum under my car seat. All I needed was a bottle of cola to chase it.

Between working and going to school, I found comfort in alcohol. It slowed my brain down after particularly long days.

Luckily, I never considered going to the bars near my school since I had no friends. I figured it would be cheaper and easier to have a drink with dinner at home with a good show to keep me company. Being introverted can save you some money.

Drinking allowed my anxiety to level and would pick up my depressed moods. I considered this to be a perfect mix.

After 9 months of pregnancy and 1 year of breastfeeding, I finally bought a bottle of rum.

I made it a point never to drink while my daughter was awake — In the beginning.

As time went on, I loosened up a little. I would start to drink shortly before her bedtime to ensure I went to sleep earlier and could wake up with her.

Not being able to wake up after 7 in the morning is pretty brutal, especially if you’ve stayed up a little later than normal.

In my mind, this was relatively normal.

Then lockdown happened and everyone was clearing out the grocery stores of liquor.

Every story I came across showed that days line up, and people would send “see a shot, take a shot” Instagram stories. I don’t have a large group of close friends, so I was never sent a shot. I suppose that was for the best.

The idea behind this sudden surge in “alcoholism” was not just concern for availability and inability to leave home, but no one had to go to work the next day.

People were treating lockdown as a long holiday.

Day Drinking is Trending

Mimosas and afternoon wine. I see it all around social media.

Eating nice food while sipping on a glass of wine. Living the cliche housewife or high society socialite life. Living in a state surrounded by the ocean, many friends in my Instagram circle post stories of barbequing and drinking on the beach. Enjoying seltzers and beers, one after the other. The majority have kids.

I don’t allow myself to do this. I never want to put my daughter in a dangerous position if I’m drinking.

One drink is never enough. I can’t just have one drink with my lunch and be done for the day. I need — at least — another round and a nap. Plus, I don’t want to use up my daily quota during the day. What would I do at night?

Once in a while, I’ll give in if I decide to eat sushi for lunch and want a bit of sake. But, I do try to have some level of control.

I worry if I dipped my toe in day-drinking, it would hurl me into the deep end of alcoholism, and I would not be able to keep my head above water.

I go back and forth in regards to alcoholism.

I consider the fact I can have some control over the substance. I am, however, very aware of my relationship with alcohol. I am not solely dependent on it, but I can’t see myself ever giving it up.

To ensure keeping my head above water, I set myself boundaries.

Ultimately, I never allow drinking to interfere with my parenting.