Freedom, Two Ways

It was happening again. Alicia flinched and ducked her head under the covers. When Dad came home drunk, there was nothing to do but hope you could avoid the line of fire. Luckily, it was late, so he wouldn't expect to find the kids awake. It was better that way.

"Laura!" Dad roared. Whenever he came home late, Alicia thought of an angry bear stampeding through the house, knocking things haphazardly out of the way.

"I'm right here," Mom said soothingly, so softly that Alicia could hardly hear her. "It's late, Henry. Why don't we get to bed?"

Their talk continued in this way, Dad yelling about nothing and Mom trying to shush him without actually shushing him. She had to walk a fine line to avoid his wrath and was most successful when she convinced him something was his idea.

Alicia peered through the dark at her sister's bed. Nell looked to be asleep, but Alicia wasn't so sure. Nell had been known to sneak out of the house, usually to meet her boyfriend, David.

Alicia sighed. She wished she had a boyfriend, but at 13, she was going through what would hopefully be the most awkward phase of her life. She was skinny, freckled, and scraggly-haired, while Nell, at 17, was all curves, dimples, and swinging blond hair.

Sure enough, after a while, when the house was finally silent for the night, Nell threw back her covers. She was fully dressed in a flowery halter-backed sundress, her tanned legs long as she slipped into a pair of sandals.

"Where are you going?" Alicia asked fiercely from her bed.

Nell let out a shocked squeak, then wheeled around to face her sister.

"What are you doing up?" she demanded. "Go back to sleep."

"I haven't been asleep," Alicia insisted. "Dad came home, the usual. I can't believe you slept through it."

Nell softened. She came and sat on the edge of Alicia's bed and, uncharacteristically, stroked her sister's hair.

"Listen, Leesie, I have something to tell you, but I need you to promise me that tomorrow morning you're just going to get off to camp like any other day. You need to keep your mouth shut and give me a head start, okay?"

Alicia's stomach dropped.

"Nell, what's happening?" she cried, but softly. She wouldn't risk waking Dad unless the house was on fire.

"I'm leaving, honey. With David. We got jobs on one of the cruise ships," Nell explained. "We're getting on the ship at 5 am, and I need to get away before anyone figures it out."

"Leaving? How can you leave? You're a kid!" Alicia couldn't understand it. Nell had always been there; she had always been Alicia's protector. Together they could take anything, even when Dad hit them.

"I'm not a kid, Leesie," Nell said gently. "I graduated, remember? The cruise ship knows I won't be 18 for another month; they're okay with it. I showed them my diploma."

"But what about me?" Alicia wailed. Nell pulled her close, mostly to muffle her sister's cries.

"Listen to me, okay? You're strong. I'm off on an adventure, I want to be with David, and we're going to see the world. I'm not going to stay here and get stuck in Florida for the rest of my life, Leesie. And you shouldn't, either, okay? I'll write to you, and you can tell me everything that's happening. And in just a few years, you'll graduate, and you can come wherever I am, or maybe you'll go to college!"

Alicia sniffled. She knew Nell well enough to know that nothing was about to change her mind and that there'd be hell to pay when Dad found out Nell had gone without a word. Alicia clung to her sister, sending thoughts her way. Don't go, don't go, don't go, she thought as hard as she could.

The tiniest tap at the window signaled David was waiting. No thoughts from Alicia would hold Nell back. Nell squeezed her tight and then dragged a big duffel out from under the bed. She slid the window open and handed it out to David, putting a finger to her lips as if he needed a reminder to stay silent.

Tears slid down Alicia's face as Nell kissed her and whispered, "I love you, honeybee. You be good, and we'll see each other again as soon as we can, okay?" Nell straddled the window sill and hopped down to the ground. Florida houses tended to be easy to escape from.

Alicia ran to the window so she could watch Nell and David slip through the side yard. She could see them turn left onto the sidewalk and knew where they were headed.

They'd go past Lauderdale Memorial Park, and from there, it was a straight shot to Port Everglades, where the cruise ships were. Everybody in Fort Lauderdale was familiar with the boats. They were always on the way to and from exotic places. Alicia didn't think she'd ever get to go on one. Still, when Mom took them out to Fort Lauderdale Beach Park to swim, you'd always see a ship on the horizon, so far away you couldn't tell if it was coming or going.

She took a shaky breath and headed back to bed. She lay awake a long time, trying to imagine what jobs Nell and David would have on the boat. Would they wear white uniforms? Caps with gold braid? Would they live in the same room? Would Nell get paid a lot of money? She fell asleep finally, exhausted and missing her sister.

Alicia made it out the following day for her day at camp without saying a word about Nell. When she got home, her mom was frantic, having discovered that her elder daughter wasn't with any friends and that her boyfriend was also missing. David must have left his mom without a word so that Nell wouldn't be found.

"We have to call the police," her mom was saying in the kitchen.

"The fuck we do," Dad growled. "She's run off with that boy, hasn't she? She's done with school; she's grown. One less mouth to feed, isn't it?"

"Henry, I'm worried about her," Mom pleaded. "What if they don't have a place to live? How will they support themselves?"

Alicia jumped as her dad slammed his fist on the counter, though she considered herself lucky it hadn't been in her mom's face.

"This is the last time I'm gonna say it--she wants to run off, that's that! Worry about the girl you've got, not one that doesn't even have the respect to say goodbye!"

Mom ran off to her bedroom. She could usually go there to cry, and he wouldn't bother her, but today he was having none of it. He roared and charged after her, slamming the bedroom door against the wall when he went through. Alicia heard Mom's cries and knew he was going to hurt her. No wonder Nell wanted to get out of here.

She followed him down the hall, not thinking clearly. Usually, she would cower in her room during a beating. Now, she felt reckless. She and Nell used to hide together. Who cared what happened with Nell gone?

She reached the doorway to their room and saw Mom on the ground with Dad straddling her. He was punching her in the face repeatedly, and with each blow, Mom would cry out. Her father kept hitting, again and again, seeming like he'd never stop, and soon her mother's cries faded. Alicia could see she was unconscious.

It was like something snapped inside her. She was suddenly filled with a rage so black it commanded her to act. She'd seen her father beat her mother and her sister; she'd been abused by him too, and usually, what she felt was fear, shame, and bleak cowardice. Now she felt invincible with anger. She didn't care how big he was or how powerful his fists; she was going to stop this.

She grabbed up the dog statue that she and Nell had given mom to remember their golden retriever, Riley. It was heavy, cast iron. Her mom originally meant to put it in the garden but eventually said she liked looking at it in her room. It made her feel like Riley was still around.

Alicia raised the statue high and smacked it down on her father's head with all the force of her rage behind it.

It made a sickening crack, and her father made a noise somewhere between a groan and a howl. Alicia gasped as he fell sideways, partially off her mother.

Panting, Alicia stood there looking at her parents. Her mind was in a whirl. If her father got up, there was no telling what he would do. She peered down at him. Blood trickled from a large wound on his scalp, but Alicia remembered that head wounds bled a lot. It didn't mean she'd killed him.

She knelt down next to her mom and ran her hands over her battered face.

"Mom? Mama?" Alicia squeezed her mother's hand and was rewarded with a low moan. She was coming around.

"Alicia?" her mom said, trying to struggle into a sitting position. "My head--where is he?"

Alicia pointed towards her father, trembling. Mom's gaze followed, and she looked simultaneously panicked and amazed.

"You--you made him stop?" she pulled Alicia to her. "Baby, oh my God, I can't believe you did that."

"He knocked you out--" Alicia began to cry. Her limbs started to shake as the adrenaline drained away.

"Sweetie, I know, I know," her mom said. She was able to sit up now, and she looked at her husband while holding her daughter close. She picked up the dog statue lying next to Alicia on the floor and stared at it, thinking.

"I can't do this anymore," she said, and Alicia looked up at her face and saw her demeanor change. For once, she looked determined, like she knew what she had to do. She got to her feet with some effort, still dizzy from the beating she took.

"Alicia, I have to take care of you," she said. "You're all I have left. I should have left him when his drinking got out of control, but I didn't, and all these years, I let you and Nell take things from him that I never wanted. You started this right here--but I'm going to finish it."

Before Alicia could say a word, her mom drew back her arm and hit her dad in the nose with the iron dog. She hit him a few times, a meaty, awful sound thudding each time she struck. Her dad's face was unrecognizable, a pulp really, by the time she quit hitting him. She took his wrist in her hand and said he was dead.

Alicia cried, not for her father, but out of relief. She knew that she and Mom would be okay, that they'd always have each other. When Nell wrote to her, she could tell her it was all right to come home whenever she wanted to visit.

"Now, baby, I'm going to call the police. We're going to tell them what happened--almost. We're just going to skip the part about you hitting him first, okay? You can tell them you saw him beating me; that's fine. But we're just going to pretend I hit him in self-defense, and I kept hitting him because I knew if he woke up, he'd kill me. That's the truth; it's just less complicated than telling them you hit him. It's my job to protect you, Alicia, and that's what I'm going to do from now on. Okay?"

It was.