For No Better Reason

Do you remember when you were a kid and you couldn’t wait to be an adult and do adult things? Boredom was part of life back then; time seemed to go by so slowly when there wasn’t anything to do.

Now that adulthood has become a reality, it seems the only thing kids actually looked forward to was the ability to stay up late, stay out late, drive a car, smoke, drink and have sex. Once those things are experienced and you feel like a true “grown-up,” it’s not long before you get slapped in the face with the rest of what it means to be an adult. Our days are spent working a job we probably don’t like in order to pay the bills that equal an amount somewhere outside of our means, with very little disposable income. We cook our meals, clean our house, do our laundry, and raise our children. With any luck, we have a partner so we aren’t doing it alone; someone who at least loves and cares about us for half the relationship. We struggle over making the right decisions, and living with regrets when we don’t. Our days, weeks, months and years go by so fast because we are so busy getting nowhere. Sometimes, just sometimes, we figure out a thing or two and try to teach the lessons to our children who don’t seem to care about them, until they’re older and learn them the hard way. I remember when I was a kid I actually enjoyed listening to the stories of the elderly. I felt like if I heard enough stories I could learn from their mistakes. The only problem with that is I didn’t get the opportunity to hear enough stories.

Once we get up there in years, and we’ve struggled with mistakes, and are able to look back on consequences of our actions, we finally know what we should’ve done; the choices that would’ve been better. Once we know this, is there enough time to do it right?

We see more clearly than before. We now have some understanding of the things that should be allowed in our lives, in our spaces. They say older people are set in their ways. I don’t believe that to be true. I believe they are the ones who have reached the point of knowing exactly what they want, and what they don’t want. They are smarter and wiser. Wouldn’t it be great to learn all of these life-developing lessons, and then turn back the hands of time to control the life we had just a little bit better? Or maybe a Life Manual would do the trick. If you think about it, there are plenty of people who have lived life, felt like they figured it out, and then wrote a book about it. And you can learn their secrets for just $39.99 plus tax.

When I raised my two children, I always told them from a young age to be friends with everyone, but to be careful with whom they chose to be a main part of their lives. A friend can either lift you up and improve the quality of your life, or they can bring you down and keep you down. Of course, that is still no guarantee of a life free of multiple life-altering mistakes that lead to a regret-ridden life. We are just human, after all.

But here’s the thing- We can’t ever allow ourselves to believe that we can live a life without making horrible choices and mistakes on the daily. Some of what we do might be down-right stupid, to be fair. That is life. It’s our learning opportunity; our chance to at least control what we are able to, and course correct when we have made the wrong move or have gone down the wrong path. We can either learn from our mistakes or we can let them beat us down.

Personally, I haven’t let life, or my mistakes, beat me down. Not entirely. At first I did. I allowed myself to be angry for a 10 year period of time, not wanting to live. I kept fighting to handle situations that I felt I didn’t have control over, until those feelings came to an end, at least for the most part. After that, life didn’t beat me down, but I still lived an additional 22 years dealing with the same choices, negativity and some leftover anger. I kept fighting to get better, get ahead, and work towards “something.” I later realized that all along this difficult life’s path, I fed myself enough negative thoughts and incorrect, self-reflective information that I not only created negative beliefs, but a whole crap load of baggage to go with it. You see, I can’t blame others for the outcome of my life. It was my decision to endure what came my way. Fear crippled me for a long time. It was easier to endure than to fight or make an incorrect, unchangeable, decision. I was finally able to change my circumstances with the help of my daughter.

Eventually, however, those negative beliefs and all that baggage came to the surface when it was least desired. It seems a new relationship was the trigger. I was forced to confront the mess I had created for myself, fighting with my own subconscious to sort through everything. But through it all, I was able to rid myself of the weight and the burden of my past and close the door behind me. In the end, there was one casualty, however – The only love relationship that, up until now, I’ve ever wanted over the course of 30 years. Was the loss worth it? Yes, because my mind has never been freer. And because I know that if that relationship was meant to be, it will be again. Don’t get me wrong. A person who truly loves you will stick with you through the good AND the bad. But for me, to my own psyche, the loss was a necessary part of “the process” because that person was part of my negative/false beliefs and baggage.

Sometimes you just have to believe that things happen for a reason. Life throws us punches but those punches can be used to mold us into better, stronger people. If we live our life each day with a positive attitude, that’s half the battle. Don’t be afraid of making mistakes. It’s no different than learning a new job, or cooking a new recipe. If a mistake is made, we either learn what NOT to do, or we learn how to fix the problem. Don’t get bogged down by it and stress over how we made a mistake; just keep moving and do better next time. Make each day a new start. I know this is easier said than done. My years of defeating decisions, self-sabotaging and lies I told myself took 6 months to defeat (once the real fight began). Some people can take care of what’s holding them back by simply making the decision to get rid of all of the negativity in their lives and make the necessary adjustments. But for some, the process seems too difficult, and the end goal unobtainable. But I assure you, it is possible. You just have to believe and make the conscious decision that you are worth it.

The things we tell ourselves on a regular basis become things that we begin to believe. Our beliefs dictate our behavior, which then leads us down specific paths. Change the belief, and you can change the behavior. And by doing so, you can change the path that you’re on. Decide who you want to be and what you want out of life, and then work towards that end. Don’t be afraid to ask for help in this endeavor, and don’t let anything hold you back. Not fear. Not toxic people. Some situations will take longer to change than others but as long as we don’t give up there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel.