Finding joy again

I'm not sure how or when it happened. But slowly over a period of time I guess I got stuck in my life. And that put me deeper and deeper into a depression. For me when I don't have a lot of change in my life, when I am not growing and changing, then I get depressed. It happened slowly over a period of time. I had started to realise that I was stuck in a routine of my life and knew that I had to make a change. However, being a working single parent that is a hard thing to do. A lot of times you need a routine of life, a schedule from work you need to do, a schedule for your kids in order for them to be okay. I think some times it is hard to shake things up really, change is also hard.

During the pandemic, a lot of people were having a hard time. Being stuck at home and feeling isolated can be hard for most people. For me when everything was closed, at the high of the pandemic, I actually wasn't having a hard time with it at all. I enjoyed being at home with my daughter, I used the time to learn new skills, do a ton of cooking. It didn't hit me until later on in the pandemic and then I started to feel isolated. Work became a lot harder during the pandemic. People were meaner, harsher. I began to feel more and more isolated. As people went back to work, and tried to get back to life in our new normal, there was less time for connection I felt like. I began to feel more and more alone.

Before I knew it I had shut down from life and was in a deep depression. Being the single parent that I am, I told myself that I had to just keep going. But I didn't have any one to talk to, I felt like no one was listening or cared. Before I knew what was happening I was in too deep, I knew that I found no joy in life. If it wasn't for my daughter, I would hate to think of the place that I would be. I knew that I had to do something when my daughter was begging me to play with her and I just didn't have the strength to do it. I knew I had to do something.

The first step for me was admitting that I was not okay, and I needed to ask for help. Something that is hard for me to do. I don't like to admit that I need help. I always want people to think that I am so strong and have it all together especially for my kid. So I started to ask for help and admit to people that I was not okay. As soon as I admitted it to myself and to others I started to feel better. I told work that I was not okay and that I needed to change. I thought that they were going to let me quit. However to my surprise we agreed for me to move positions to something different. I just knew that I needed a change. You really need to be growing and changing all the time, making sure that your brain is always working.

I also started to make sure that I had goals and that I was always working towards them. For me a I did a bullet journal to track my habits. I know that I do better when I have a goal in mind. I started to make sure that I slowed down and found joy. I started to laugh again and spend time with my daughter. I really focused on my fitness and health. When you start to take care of yourself then you really start to feel better, have more energy.

Start slow, focus on one thing at a time. Remember the things that bring you joy, or that use to give you joy. And do those things. Work out and meditate it really does help. And above all else let other people know that you are not okay. Feeling connection to other people is the most important thing, you need to know that you are not alone and that people care. But unless you tell them that you are not okay, how would they ever know. Overall I think I may not be out of it totally yet, but I am getting better. Each day, bit by bit I feel like I am getting better. And you can to.