Finally Stepping into the Light

I've always been scared of being found. While I can seem confident and sassy once you know me, I really am just super shy and afraid of who you are and who you know.

My childhood, overall, was a happy one. However, there was a dark stain that continues to haunt me. When I was around eight-years-old, I remember being in a basement playroom at my grandparent's house. There was a bunch of family over and I was trying to entertain my little cousin, Shelby. She was just a baby, and I was trying to keep her entertained as the screaming and crying on the floor above us was mounting.

Both my brother and I were scared, but doing our best to pretend everything was okay. Eventually, my mom came downstairs and told us it was time to leave. She was crying and led us out of the house. I remember my grandma screaming and crying as we left. We didn't say goodbye.

For years, I didn't know what had happened. I had my assumptions, but it took many years before it was confirmed and my mom broke down and told me.

My grandpa, who had of course been missing on the day we cut off the family, was now a convicted child predator. He had sexually abused pretty much every child he came in contact with including his sister and his own children. Possibly even worse, even after coming clean and going to prison, his family supported him. They pretended that the abuse never happened and wanted to sweep the whole situation under the rug. My mom refused and leaving was the hardest and best thing for her, as well as for us.

This dark secret always hung over me and I didn't want anyone to know. He had done such terrible things, and it made me feel dirty. Like I had done something wrong by having some of his blood and genes in my veins.

Eventually, I came to terms with the fact that I was not a bad person. However, this insecurity of myself, along with rage, hate, and pure broken vulnerability was always brought back up by my mom's side of the family.

The family, despite us saying that we did not want to communicate, would harass us. Even now, they continue to drive by my childhood home and contact people, including me, through social media. They even knew the parents of some of my childhood friends and used this to learn about our lives and the birth of my little sister.

Needless to say, this always put me on edge and I found myself not opening up to others and mistrusting them. I also transformed from a giddy center-of-attention type of girl to someone that hid their face and didn't want to give anyone the chance to hurt them. I didn't want to be found by anyone.

Not wanting to be found may not sound too terrible, but it was awful for me. I pushed away friends, learned how to create emotional masks early, and found myself refusing to share the writing that I loved creating. Even when I dared to post it online, I was sure to use a weird pen name and a profile picture of random objects or themes.

It's taken many years to push through this pain and to feel more confident in myself, but I think that I'm making progress.

This year I am working on shedding the tough exterior and learning to trust more. I've embraced my past, and am opening up to those close to me so I can overcome the pent up emotions that hold me back. And to meet new people, I'm practicing small-talk and going out of my way to chat with those that I encounter. Hopefully I can add a few friends to my list!

I have also started writing more and sharing what I create. The biggest thing though, I am finally using my name and showing my face. No more hiding behind pen names and random images for profile pictures. I am going to be myself and I don't want to be scared of being found anymore. In fact, I'm hoping that more people find me. I want to meet and talk with people who share my experiences, passions, or just like reading whatever nonsense I write. All I know is that this year, I am finally going to step into the spotlight and enjoy the feeling of just being myself.