Finally Free

My body weak and my mind reeling, I fell to the ground. It was cold and damp, almost instantly seeping into my bones. The air smelled sweet. I gulped and swallowed and took as many deep breaths as I could. Fresh air flooding my senses, I closed my eyes and reveled in it for a moment.

The memory of my attacker's cold body lying in the corner of the room jolting me from my observation of the forest floor beneath me, I stood shakily, took a look around, and just ran. If you can even call it running. My legs wobbled, my feet, knees, and hips screaming in pain. I stumbled several times, cutting my palms and my knees on the ground. My feet bleeding from rocks and sticks and other debris beneath them. It was hard to breathe and the light was so bright, it burned through to my brain. My eyes couldn't focus on any one thing. It had been so long since I had seen light or color or felt warmth, however minimal, from the sun.

Animals skittering by frightened me more than once. Every sound feeling brand new, the colors of what I now knew were autumn leaves beaming bright in all directions. I hadn't the slightest clue where I was. I didn't know how far I was from anything, or if I even was far at all. There was no trail, no markers. I stopped to rest for a moment, having run as much as my body could in the last 10 minutes. Lying on the ground, surrounded by twigs, fallen leaves, probably animal excrement and bugs, I tried to catch my breath and listen for signs of life. Human life. And I heard nothing.

I knew I couldn't be too close to other people. I spent the first few days out here screaming and no one came. He would finish with me for the day and walk out, leaving me with my bucket of water and half a loaf of bread, and as soon as I couldn't hear him wandering away anymore, I would let lose. The animalistic noises crawling up from my soul were for naught. It didn't take long for me to learn how to suppress my need to call out, to find help. It was easier, I discovered, to just go somewhere else in my mind; to forget where I was, who I was, and just exist outside of it all for a while. Now that I was out, I knew that no one would have heard me even if they were nearby. I was underground, surrounded by thick concrete and a heavy, metal door. I doubt you would have heard me scream if you held your ear to the door.

Back in the present, I knew I had to get moving. I had to find help quickly or I wouldn't make it. Especially not out here in the woods, in what seems to be autumn, wet and wearing nothing but an old, dirty nightgown. So I kept going. Sometimes I crawled. Sometimes I found it in me to actually try to run again. It was largely unsuccessful and I ended up hurting myself so much more, but I was desperate. By the time the sun started to set behind the trees, I was too exhausted to even try anymore, so I found a place between some trees and went to bed. On the ground, again. But this time I was free. It was the best sleep I had gotten in... however long it had been.

I could remember celebrating the new year. My friends all coming to my apartment to get me out of bed after a nasty breakup with a not-so-nasty boyfriend. I was so in love and so very heart broken. So they showed up, loud and happy and ready to party. The girls got me out of bed, helped me clean myself up, and took me out. it was a great night. A really great night. But I couldn't remember anything after that. And based on the conditions of the forest around me, I had been gone a while. A long while.

I woke with the sun the next morning. Hungry as I had ever been, but I could handle that. I was thirsty, too, but again I was used to that. I didn't really have the strength to get up and move again. I couldn't do it. My body was hurting so bad and it was exhausted. Every part of me weak, unwilling. The only thing I could do was lie there and look up at the branches above me, watch the leaves twirling down to the ground around me.

I wondered if they had given up on finding me. Or if they had just decided that I was dead and it wasn't worth looking for me anymore. I thought about the story of the little kid who ran away from his house when his mom wasn't looking. How they had hundreds of volunteers scouring every tiny spec of city to find the little one. I wondered if they did that for me. If there were groups of people walking in straight lines, combing every field and valley for me or my body. Or even a sign of me. Did they know someone took me? Did I leave any trace? Did he leave a trace? Do they know that I'm out here, somewhere in the world? I hope they aren't too scared.

I wake up sometime later to a small animal running around nearby. Probably looking for materials to keep itself warm in the coming cold months. I couldn't feel the cold anymore. I was numb. Before losing consciousness again, I noticed the little black dots forming around the edges of my vision. The trees were dancing more than they should. I couldn't feel any wind.

The next time I was able to open my eyes, I could hear a faint rattle coming from my lungs. I was aware enough to know that this was it. I wasn't going to make it out. I could only see a couple of trees away. The smells were gone. The cold was gone. And it all turned black. I had made my peace and was ready. Death's comforting embrace.

The next thing I know, I'm waking up with a sense of brightness. There's beeping and whirring all around me. I can't really move, but I can hear everything. I'm warm, foggy. I can't open my eyes for some reason. Things feel heavy. The air, my body, even the light shining into my eyelids feels substantial. And before I know it, I'm drifting again.

It took me six months to be able to get out of the hospital. Because of my very unique situation, I had to be monitored by mental and physical health specialists for years. No one knows how, but I showed up at the Emergency Department. Someone had laid my near-death body just outside of the doors and left. They were too covered up on hospital security cameras to identify. They never found my attacker's body, either. I couldn't tell them where we were. I still didn't know how I ended up there, even with the extensive therapy to try to unlock those memories. They just weren't there. But now I know and can honestly say I'm free. I'm safe. And I'm thriving.