Fighting for my kids

It started 17 years ago. Around July, when my first baby was about 6 months old, I had enough of my abusive fiance. I planned a trip to go to my family's home for my sister's graduation and birthday party, and to stay there with my baby while he left. It may not have been the most up front way of getting away from him, but I was stuck where I had no family near me and only 1 friend who couldn't take me in. So I did what I had to do to get away.

I packed as much of our things as I could get away with for what was supposed to be a 3 day long trip. Surprisingly, I packed way more than what we would actually need and he never said a word about how much I had packed for me and the baby.

We got there and spent the first day with the family. I spent some time in town working on finding a job that I could start right away with my experience being a shift leader for a major pizza chain. I actually got a job with a franchise of that company right away. I was setting myself up for success. Or trying to at least.

The day before we were supposed to leave, I told him that our baby and I would not be returning home with him.

For some context, this man had left me for another woman right after we got together, told his ex fiance he still loved her when I told him I loved him for the first time, and had been carrying on affairs with co-workers. He was always "at work" rather than being home and spending time with us, or helping with his newborn daughter.

When I told him, he was "heartbroken". But he decided to pack up as much stuff as he could and follow me across the country. We were from the east coast, my family lived out west. He had told me that if it wasn't for our daughter, that he wouldn't have followed me, but wanted to try to make things work because of her.

I was young and naive and really thought he could and would change.

When he first moved up there, I told him I still wanted to be with him, but I needed a little bit of space to make sure I made the right choice. He got a job at the same franchise I was working at and immediately started a relationship with a woman that worked at his store. I knew I shouldn't have taken him back right then. I knew it should have been over and he was showing me his true colors. But I thought I was doing what was best for our daughter. I stayed with him.

We got pregnant with our second baby and moved in with a coworker and his family and shared a townhouse with them - room mating with another family that has a small child was sooooo much fun... (Note the sarcasm). After a falling out over my stepmom charging to babysit my daughter, my family and I weren't really speaking very much. When our second baby was born, we decided to move back to the east coast to be near another one of my family members.

When our second daughter was about 6 months old, and about 2 years later, he tried to rape me when I refused to have sex with him. I went to the police and filed a restraining order on him. While we were apart, he (24) started dating a 16 year old. He justified it by saying she was 16 and 6 months, but she was still 16. I had our babies and was working 2 jobs. They took the kids a couple times over the couple months I had the order out against him. Again, this should have been the end, but I'm sure you know by now that it wasn't.

After a couple months of being apart, we decided to try to be friendly for the sake of the kids. He told me how much he missed me and how stupid he was, what mistakes he had made and how sorry he was. He made so many promises. I didn't go back to him right away. But when I got kicked out of my family's house, I didn't have anywhere to go, so we kind of got pushed back together.

He had been staying in a hotel while we were apart. When I got kicked out of my family’s house, he said the girls and I could come stay with him. We talked about it and decided to find a place where we could room mate together. I told him we could room mate together, but we wouldn’t be getting back together. I was successful for about a month, but eventually he wore me down and we got back together.

We lived in that place for about a year. Then we decided to move back to where his family was to be close to his sick father. Not long after we moved, I found out I was pregnant with our third baby. We both had gotten jobs, but daycare was very hard to find, so we decided I would stay home with the kids. It was like this for a while. He worked, I stayed home. But after our son was born, and things had gone bad between me and him again, I got a job working in the morning, since he worked at night. I told him I was leaving him and made plans to make that happen.

I moved down to another family member of mine, in a different state and took the kids with me. This time, we were apart for more time. I was happy. But because we had kids, I couldn’t be rid of him completely. I kept the kids, I worked a part time job – I was sick and had a hard time working for long periods of time.

He begged. He was relentless. He made a contract saying all the things he would change and all the ways he would be better. Again, I relented. After months of being apart, being free, I couldn’t honestly say why I let him come back. Maybe I was lonely. Maybe I was trying to think of the kids and not wanting them to have a broken home. Maybe it was the trauma bond. But I let him come back. So he came to where we were.

I should mention that he raped me repeatedly. He cheated on me repeatedly. He was manipulative and emotionally abusive. That’s where the trauma bond came from.

After a couple more years, I again could no longer take what he was doing to me. I was miserable. All I wanted to do was die. In fact, I was planning on how to do it without hurting anyone else. Thankfully, a friend at the time kind of pulled me out of that mindset when I was in the darkest corners of being ready.

I had told the ex that we were splitting up when our lease was up. Miraculously, I wasn’t able to afford to get a place on my own when the time came, so we ended up getting another place together. But this time, I was prepared to leave and stay gone. I had a plan. I was a delivery driver, so I got tips every day. I would put a portion of those tips away and tell him I had made less than I had. I hid the money at another family member’s house so he wouldn’t be able to find it and use it on whatever he wanted. I had a separate account, and we had our joint account. When tax time came, I was going to take half the tax money and get a place on my own, without him.

Then I met my husband. All of my plans changed. I knew I wanted to be with him and I would need to leave the ex sooner.

But I also knew I wasn’t financially, or mentally, able to care for our kids on my own. I was still in a very dark place. So stupidly, I let him take the kids, thinking him taking the kids would be better than us living in my car or in a homeless shelter. I stupidly thought that he would honor our agreements when it came to the kids.

He took the kids and went back to the state his family lived in. I honestly think that was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life. No matter how bad off mentally I was, no matter how much I thought I was doing the right thing, looking back, I can see that was the worst thing I have ever done.

Now, 8 years later, my husband and I are still fighting to get the kids back. Relationships have been irrevocably altered, almost damaged to beyond repair for my oldest. My middle daughter despises her father – due to his own actions and things he says, not because of anything I’ve done – to the point that she wants to change her name and never associate with him again. My son is so torn and just wants to make the parent he’s with at the moment happy.

We’ve gone to court several times. The latest was in 2019. Now I’m trying to go to court again, since the kids are even older now, to fight to have them here with us. I have a fundraiser going on social media, trying to raise money for a lawyer to fight for my kids. If you’re interested in helping me raise money for a lawyer, you can tip me here, or here is the link for my fundraiser: https://www.facebook.com/donate/169957188266043/

Thank you for reading.