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The Haze

A tale of violence

By Wynette RichardsonPublished 4 years ago 3 min read
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There's a haze that happens, a fog almost, when someone physically attacks you. It's like it wraps around your mind and everything goes into slow motion. The violence of the situation can be seen in such clarity and detail, yet everything seems fuzzy at the same time.

During my first marriage, my ex-husband would slam me into walls, counters, pin me to the floor and scream in my face. I don't even remember what he yelled, just the feeling of being pinned beneath 145 lbs of highly trained, very angry Marine.

I remember the first time like it was yesterday. Being slammed into a corner in my kitchen, him yelling at me, my best friend screaming at him over the phone. I was scared, but I was more wondering what this person I had married was doing and thinking. While I was shaking and scared and crying, I convinced myself it was a 1 time instance and it wouldn't happen again. I was 17.

Then it happened again. And again. And again.

After the first time, I don't remember what triggered most of the instances. I just remember the haze that wrapped itself around my mind. Protecting me. I promised myself I would help him get better. He promised me he would get better. I promised I would be better. Every time, all those promised were broken. The only constants were the violence and the haze.

When my second ex-husband started sexually abusing me, the haze came back. But this time, it wasn't every time. It was only happened when it was really bad. But it was different. It seemed like, because it was a different kind of violence, the haze had morphed.

This time, when things happened, and the haze came, things happened in slow motion. Sometimes details would be blurry, like those scenes in movies where only bits and pieces were crystal clear and sharp. Sometimes, while it was happening in slow motion, I was cruelly aware of every motion, pain, grunt and my own sobs.

Thinking back on it, it seems like the haze was a blessing and a curse. Do you have a haze that helps you or hurts you?

I’ve noticed too that there are different kinds of haze.

I was in a bad car wreck many years ago. As it was happening, I blacked out. But when I came to, the fog in my head seemed similar to, maybe a cousin of, the haze that I experienced with my ex. This similar hazy fog has enveloped my mind in many times of crisis. Car accidents, violence, even the threat of violence sometimes.

Child birth was another strange version of the haze. I remember the pain. I remember how much it sucked. That is something I will never forget. But everything else – what the baby’s father was doing, what the nurses were doing. I don’t remember any of it. Even when I had an epidural, everything was hazy and I can’t recall any of it now.

The haze still comes to visit me.

When the PTSD from those horrible moments come back to life.

The haze wraps around my mind again. Bringing those horrible memories back with both fog and clarity, just like when it happened the first time.

Now, when my husband and I argue (which thankfully isn’t often), or there’s some sort of confrontation looming, I get a ringing in my ears. As long as nothing happens, it stops at the ringing. But I can sometimes feel my blood pressure rising, my face and body flushing.

I know this is my flight or fight response. But it also signals that the haze may be near too, and if that happens, things have gotten very, very bad.

ptsd
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