Father's Advice

Today is intensely challenging; I’m not sure how I’ll endure. There’s a vibration under my skin that’s twisting and burrowing down to my gut. My family is gathered downstairs for the funeral. I can hear them saying my name, mentioning that I’m still upstairs in my childhood bedroom. I’m frozen solid in the middle of the room. I just can’t bring myself to move a muscle. Many years ago, Dad taught me, “When you notice yourself in a panic, stop, and slowly take two deep breaths. This will ground you to the world – to reality.” So I take a deep breath in; then I let my breath leave my body, slowly…

BANG! “What was that?” A thunderous clash came from downstairs; It was incredibly loud. Like lightning striking near you when you’re standing outside. It absolutely startled me. Suddenly, it’s very quiet... I suppose I need to go down to make sure everything’s fine. ”Oh wow!” The door handle is shockingly cold. Is that… Is that snow coming in from under the bedroom door? Cold – snow – in the middle of spring? I’m dumbfounded... I need to make my way downstairs.

There are whiffs of snow all over the floor and in the staircase. The silence is perplexing; there isn’t even a breath to be heard. Did everyone just...leave? No, it’s not possible. The front door is being held wide open by the wind, and it’s letting snow into the house. There are strong gusts whirling snowflakes up the stairs and all around. I’m so confused. The living room, the kitchen, the whole house, no one! It’s as if they all vanished, leaving my childhood home in this strange state, frozen in time.

Scanning the room, I notice the familiar triangle sandwiches; I thought they were awful when I was a kid: ham, egg salad, smoked meat. A cheese plate with an assortment of crackers, my favourite are those round ones with a smear of soft cheese on top. There’s the usual beverage station with coffee, tea and juice. The coffee is always weak at these gatherings. Large trays of crudités consisting of the typical dips, cucumbers, carrots, celery, but also, in this instance, rutabaga and broccoli which I love to snack on. A depressing menu for a dreary day.

In the entrance, I see Aunt Maggie’s purse hanging from the banister. She always has some special candies for the kids, and even though I’m older now, she finds a way to sneak one into my pocket. Cousin Peter’s glass of Speyside single malt scotch is placed on the table, neat in a rocks glass. That’s nice. As usual, it looks like he’s got a second glass next to his waiting for me. On the coat rack, Mom’s fuzzy pink fleece that I found large and smothering when I was younger; but now always feels so warm and comforting. My friend Jason’s novelty trucker hat is perched on a chair; today, it’s a vintage beer brand... He always makes me laugh. I’m grateful that they’re here today.

Stepping outside, I can see a well organized mess of cars in the driveway and down the road. This many cars means there is quite a crowd here today, sharing in this tremendous grief that I feel. Looking down, there’s enough snow to cover the soles of my shoes; the kind of snow that resembles tiny cotton balls as you shuffle your feet through. It’s rather delightful to play with. Goosebumps begin to cover my body as snow and crisp air envelop me. I notice that every car has a thin layer of frost covering their windows. “Wow”, some frost formations carve exquisitely precise flowery vines, mountain sides, tropical foliage, spider webs, and abstract shapes that inspire and amaze me. I should progress to the back of the house.

In the backyard there’s snow and ice on the bench where I would sit and read; where I could carelessly watch the grey squirrels and the blue jays for hours at a time. Next to the bench is the koi pond Dad works so hard to maintain, especially to Mom’s standards. Frozen over, I can only see a dark blue hue with speckles of barely perceivable white and orange fish, behind the thick layer of ice. It’s been so long since I’ve paused to appreciate this place, my family, my friends… I can feel my muscles starting to relax as my shoulders drop. The tenseness in my chest loosens, and I can now notice the amusing clouds as I exhale. That reminds me… I take a deep breath in, and I let my breath leave my body, slowly.