Family Frustrations:

Have you ever felt unlucky when you hear parents who frequently and deliberately belittle or mock your entire being? They sometimes or most of the times say words that hurt you deeply and they don’t want to hear you out about how you feel after hearing those frequent brutal negative tags and remarks thrown your way unwarranted just to upset or make you feel unwanted? They either compare you with others just to make you feel how inferior you are or else they compare you with those whom you don’t like by saying “ oh she is just like that person, they look same and behave same” as if you are not YOU but the other negative person whom you hate to be compared with. The worst part comes when they team up and start hurling negative words and distasteful comments and accusations, listening to which your ears pain, disturbs your mental peace and saps your energy?

In case you answered yes to all or any of those question(s), then trust me you are not alone to face such toxic treatment. Numerous people all across the globe face similar problem and one of them happens to be myself much to my displeasure and at the expense of peace of mind. It is called family bullying. Family bullying can be verbal, physical or sometimes it can be both. Verbal bullying will cause emotional abuse include name calling, constant fault-finding or nit-picking, never giving praise or not even acknowledging your existence. The bully may try to set people within the family against each other by telling lies about the other person to provoke arguments. In physical bullying, a bully will physically attack, example-punching, kicking, hitting, shoving, slapping.

Bullying at home can make you feel very alone and frightened. A bully’s aim is to gain control through sarcasm, teasing, insulting, mocking, humiliating and name-calling. No matter how much you love and respect parents, there will always be something defective about you which will make your parents feel as if you are a failure which will force them to push your buttons so that you feel like a failure or waste of their resources on you. This toxic tormenting treatment peaks up whenever important life decisions concerning person’s right to decide get dictated by parents where they want to influence or even force you to go for their choice of career, life partner, or the dresses you wear. But why? Simply because they’re family, and “they know what’s good for you more than ourselves”. A survey conducted by American Osteopathic Association on bullying found out that as many as 31% of adult respondents had experienced this bullying. This suggests that it’s a form of abuse that is not often talked about but is quite common.[1]

HOW DOES FAMILY BULLYING MANIFEST ?

Adults who are bullied experience a number of physical and mental consequences as the result of bullying, according to a survey conducted by the American Osteopathic Association.[1 ]

Below listed are the various mental and physical consequences of bullying on an adult victim as found by the survey conducted by American Osteopathic Association [1]

 70% experience anxiety/depression

 71% suffer from stress

 55% report a loss of confidence

 39% suffer from sleep loss

 26% have headaches

 22% experience muscle tension or pain

 19% reported a mental breakdown

 17% noted an inability to function day-to-day, i.e. calling in sick frequently

According to osteopathic physicians, other health responses to the emotional strain induced by bullying include gastrointestinal changes, nausea, elevated blood pressure and cardiovascular issues.[1 ].

Family bullying tactics sometimes tends to be more subtle, manipulative, and controlling. Bullying tends to happen more slowly over time through small actions and words. [1] During childhood as kids are in their formative years, they are unaware and learn stuff what they get told by parents, so you are somehow made to normalise bullying as a family’s way of care and love. However, when you grow up and become aware of the world then you realise that this chronic controlling behaviour is not acceptable as a healthy family dynamic and comes under bullying. You realise that intimidating, hurting with emotional torture or accusing you is just not the right thing to be subjected to and affects your wellbeing and self-respect. The signs of bullying are extremely varied. Nevertheless, it’s essential that they’re recognized as early as possible.

Following listed are the methods used in family bullying-

• Invalidate your feelings and life views by undermining, minimizing, or dismissing you or your thoughts.

• You get undervalued and they are verbally aggressive and abusive.

• Blame you when things go wrong.

• Constant contempt and criticism for you.

• Frequent demeaning comparisons.

• They humiliate you for who you are, what you do, and what you say.

• They silence you or ask you to not talk back and make you feel worthless. Also, they give you the silent treatment or attempt to get other family members to turn against you.

• Every conversation is turned into an argument, assigning blame, and making false claims on you where nit-picking, or making contradictory statements is a common tactic used by them.

• Emotional blackmail and manipulation are common tactics used in family bullying to control you, make you feel guilty, ashamed and force you indirectly to do what they wish you to do.

• You get accused of being selfish and they claim that you have own interests on your mind and not committed to the family.

• They behave as if always superior, use harmful jokes at your expense, and demeaning comments even after you have shown disapproval several times in the past.

• They place unreasonable demands, expectations from you and wish you to only decide what suits them and not you. Basically, your right to decide is not yours and it should suit them more.

• They exaggerate your weaknesses and flaws as a way to make you feel inferior while your achievements are ignored and not important in their verdict.

HOW TO HANDLE FAMILY BULLYING ?

Managing bullying is not so simple and there is no foolproof way to handle a bully. But since bullying is rarely limited to one or two incidents. In most likelihood, bullying tends to be sustained attacks over a period of time. Remember: there is no reason for you to ever put up with any kind of bullying.

First and foremost, recognize what is happening. Because of the amount of time it can take to handle bullying behaviour in many cases.

1) Isolate yourself from the situation: consider picking your battles if it isn't directly harmful to you. Choosing how to react depends on the number and severity of the bullying behaviours. If you find it too overwhelming or if the bullying is too severe then removing yourself from the situation is effective for temporary solution. As for instance: practicing mindfulness by doing inhaling exhaling to let your pent-up emotions related to bullying get released somewhere away from the vicinity of bullies in a safe place.

2) Calmly and self-assuredly stand up for yourself: try to defuse criticism by taking up a strong stance, look the bullies right in the eye, pause for a moment, and then say, “Excuse me?” by which you’re letting the person know that you’re aware they’re putting you down and you’re not going to take it. This simple phrase sounds not at all hostile and might help you to stop the bullying by making them re-think what they saying to you.

3) Prepare in advance calm and collected responses: If you can’t immediately stand up to a bully, at least don’t play into their behaviour by trying to appease them. Prepare calm and collected responses so that when you experience bullying, you can rise above their bullying behaviour. Maintaining cool and composure denies bullies what they want from you. If you can’t immediately stand up to a bully, at least don’t play into their behaviour by trying to appease them. Avoid negative and emotional responses. Toxic chronic family bullying can’t be solved within one day so preparing responses in advance will be much better to deal with it. Try your best to focus on “I” statements that focus on your thoughts and feelings avoiding claims made by the bully. Not only will this kind of advanced planning allow you to present yourself more confidently, but it will also reduce anxiety about being in their presence of the bullies.

4) Setting and maintaining personal boundaries: it is crucial to maintain personal boundaries to protect your personal space, physical and mental health, as well as safety and security. Letting the bullies know in a direct and clear manner about your expectations as well as boundaries is significant. Be very specific about the behaviour that disturbs you and then let the bully know that you are not going to tolerate it any longer. Once you have established a boundary, such as "I feel hurt when you call me names and its disrespectful and unacceptable," then also communicate a consequence, for example- "The next time you call me names, I am going to end our conversation. Another example could be - "please stop calling me names. If you continue, I am going to leave." Don’t forget to pay attention to your own needs and desires which are just as important as anyone else’s.

5) Talk to a trustworthy person about it: turn to a friend or someone you can confide regarding your situation. It will help you feel less isolated and alone. Moreover, it helps to have someone listen to what you are experiencing and validate your feelings. Just be sure to pick someone you can trust.

6) Seek professional help: If the family bullying begins to take a toll on your emotional health, look for a therapist that specializes in family issues.

7) Walk away and cut ties: In extreme cases, when bullying never stops and walking away is the last resort. It is ideal to leave family bullies and live away, however it is not feasible for all people. It’s not a matter of running away from the problem, but to stop having to always be on the alert and hating spending time at home because of what you know is going to happen like a vicious cycle.

In a nutshell :

Protect yourself from family bullies by setting personal boundaries, maintaining them, safeguarding your emotions, practicing self-care, seeking appropriate, valid support be it personal or professional, and keeping your distance from aggressive family members are key to your well-being. Above all, family should always be a safe place, not a battleground.

Reference:

1. American Osteopathic Association. Bullying in America: Survey finds nearly one third of Americans (31%) have been bullied as an adult. Accessed from-Bullying in America: Survey Finds Nearly One-Third of Americans (31%) Have Been Bullied as an Adult - American Osteopathic Association