Drug Psychosis

I was working fulltime as a registered nurse & midwife, while hiding my dark secret of the use of the illicit substance known as methamphetamine. I was injecting before attending work, it would make me feel enabled to perform my work easily. I was doing it for a year now, my workload was easy to handle. My ability to perform professional at work while under the influence diminished when I had the realisation I had a drug problem I could not control. Hiding the guilt & shame I felt for myself was becoming harder & the ability to compose myself lacked. The increasing worry I had of being exposed as a drug user overwhelmed me, the more I thought about it the more paranoid I became. There was an instance in my garage at home sitting with fellow drug users, I heard my work colleges voices attacking my friends with the dangers & legality of consuming methamphetamine, it was like they had tagged along in my headspace waiting for the opportunity to inform the users of their professional guidance. It was a war of rights to choose ones lifestyle without prejudice. I became increasingly unconfident I could hide my drug use any longer, how could they not know they were in the medical profession, they have the ability to observe ones deterioration in presentation. I arrived late, missed shifts & cried at work, found it harder to cope with my workload & lost time management skills. I observed the look of concern on their faces. there was an instance of skills compliance where I felt tested if I was performing duties correctly. I could hear their thoughts they were negative towards me & they didnt want me to be apart of the multidisciplinary team because I was under the influence of methamphetamine, they lost confidence in my ability, by this time I was using during my shift trying to gain power from this supposedly powerful drug. It was making me more paranoid they would be aware. The anxieties I felt were intense it was like everyone was observing me isolating me out. It was like the multidisciplinary team were talking about me & doing a case study on my performance, there was an increase in psychiatrists on the ward with feelings of them wanting to discuss my use with them. One day I was crying uncontrollably in the toilet and the manager would not answer my call & I heard her say to another team member I am not going in there to get her. I failed their expectations & they were not happy with me. I only became aware of this after admitting to myself I was unprofessional & should not be injecting prior to & during work. My guilt & shame started the lack of confidence in my work. I remember walking through the doorway to my workplace & the voices above my head said not today Tamika we are coming in with you, thats when I thought patients were doubting my ability to care for them, I even lost the confidence to greet them in a positive way, it was like they thought I should be the patient. I had one patient guiding me in the care I carried out for her, it was that moment my heart broke, I could not perform the job I loved. The hold methamphetamine had over me was too hard to conquer, it had me choosing the easy road of staying on the drug to get my rush I craved, I chose selfish pleasure over my life.