Tamika Muir
Bio
I am a single 41 year old pisces, I was diagnosed as being in a drug induced psychosis which developed into skitzophrenia, I have a methamphetamine addiction for no explainable reason. I have wonder as to why I experience what I do.
Stories (6/0)
Drug Psychosis
The psychiatrist wanted me admitted to the ward, I cant remember what he said to me. He looked as if he was trying to lower my voices, there was pressure on my forehead like it was closing down on me. I relaxed & let it spring back up. I was intrigued by him, it was if he in some way could hear what was happening in my head. He didn't seem to like me & I don't think he had my best interests on his mind. I expressed in my head I wanted the voices to attack him while he was leaving the unit, he stopped & turned his ear towards me. My voices followed me into the hospital, they got quieter during the night. It was if the other patients in there were clearing my head out. One of them identified to me, one of my voices was difficult to get to leave me alone. There was some sort of chant going on through the night, like a clearing spell, voices were approaching me then being silenced. I woke up the next day confused, but there was no more pressure or tension in my head. Which had been caused by all the voices, being so loud all the time. The psychiatrist recommended medication & to stay admitted, he said I wasn't able to go home. He hardly let me speak, he wasn't listening to what I was saying. He was making his own decisions from what he thought was happening to me, without really explaining anything. I just wanted to go home. It was awful in there, nothing to do, trapped in a small area, interacting with other patients that were really unwell. I had to wait to go outside, the voices were there showing concern for me now. The medication was giving me a high, making voices around me happy, then I would get really tired & crash. I really didn't want to be there, I didn't think they were helping me. I thought the mental health team were attacking me, like the voices. Covering up what was actually happening. I did feel more in control of my headspace, but lost control of my freedom. I was thinking about methamphetamine & when I would be able to have it again, I was tense & becoming angry I couldn't have it. The psychiatrist changed & this one seemed more patient centred. He explained to me there were changes in my brain, I told him there was nothing wrong with me & suggested a scan. He told me my drug intake had caused me to become this way. I knew it had nothing to do with the drugs, the voices were real. I witnessed several things that proved to me they were real. I had also heard voices before in my life, when I was a child. I wasn't exposed to methamphetamine until I was 37. Hearing voices didn't seem too strange to me, I believe anything is possible. I couldn't handle the 24/7 violating attack, I was made to tolerate. I had other issues I needed to sort out. I was losing my house, lost my dream job, asked for my daughter to be taken off me & I had a so called boyfriend that was emotionally abusing me. All the mental health team were concerned about was my methamphetamine intake. The psychiatrist released me, after speaking with my daughter. My daughter explained I had always had similar beliefs, to the ones I was expressing now. That was my way of interpreting, why things could be possible. My follow up care was home visits by my case manager. She was caring & understanding, suggestive & supportive. I felt at ease with her, it was if she knew what I was going through. I was in my bathroom, I could feel something crawling through my skin. I felt it escaping, flapping its wings. I looked in the mirror, there were moths evolving out of me. I was having anxiety type symptoms, extreme despair. It stopped, there was instant relief. My case manager called me asked if I was alright. Somehow it seemed as if she knew, how was it so coincidental? The voices consisted of groups, the ones sounding like the mental health team, were on my side. My voices got control of me again, my hallucinations more real. I was admitted to the ward again. My explanation consisted of an infection on my foot this time, anything except methamphetamine, being the cause. I disagreed with my admission, demanding I be released. They got security to restrain me, so I could be medicated. I didn't need security to restrain me, I needed an explanation of what the medication was for. I allowed them to administer medication, after I was fully informed of the medication need. I had been here before, I knew I had to agree with them & accept treatment. I didn't want to be there, I asked for medication every time I was awake. I slept all the time except for when they woke me, for meal times & review. The psychiatrist recommended a new medication, a regular anti psychotic depot injection. I could have it & be released. The medication put me into a parkinson type state; I would shuffle to move, no control over my movement. I was exhausted all the time, I could barely function. My head tilted to the side, I was starting to drool. The voices made fun of me & asked if I had been away. My case manager came to visit me & recognised I was suffering severe side effects. A reversal medication was prescribed, I got some normal control over myself again. I thought they had put me in a permanent state of disability, not able to care for myself. I had a review with a different psychiatrist this time, they wanted to administer the same medication. I refused, I cried, I begged not to put in the zombie like state again. It had no benefit to me. The psychiatrist listened & agreed I should not have that medication again. That was the first time I believed the health care team were actually considering me as a person. The voices were still there, this medication had little to no effect, on how the voices were able to attack me. The medication made me gain weight, made me tired & caused my period to cease. The psychiatrist diagnosed me with skitzophrenia & let me live in this state & only considered how I coped with the situation. I had to function & not share all of my experiences with the psychiatrist. On one occasion I thought I heard him speak to me with his mind. The expression on his face was of rejection, when I made clear with my mind I didn't want to communicate this way. On another occasion the voices attacked him, he was trying to ignore them. He moved in his chair & nodded to a question, I heard the voices ask him. It was like he believed I accepted the voices attacking me. The medication was ceased after a year. I moved house & the voices disappeared. They came back to me after only three days. I was allocated another psychiatrist, he was inquisitive to how I coped. He admitted me. After I expressed I felt like the cause of the voices was gaslighting & they were projecting my thoughts. A new medication was administered, the voices disappeared instantly. I was relieved I thought I had to live with the voices for the rest of my life, finally something that worked. But then the side effects of the medication became too much, I was sleeping over 14 hours a day, no motivation or energy. I felt kidney pain for two days after administration of the anti psychotic medication. My methamphetamine intake did not change. We agreed to stop the medication, I was prescribed an oral medication. I did not take it. My voices returned, it built up to another psychosis quickly. I had at least twenty voices attacking me, feelings of things entering my body, seeing unusual things & experiencing short changes to my body. The psychiatrist put me back on the same anti psychotic depot medication, but at a smaller dosage. I am now symptom free & living a normal life. I even quit methamphetamine.
By Tamika Muir3 years ago in Psyche
Drug Psychosis
I was hearing voices, it felt like I was being observed, I was seeing unusual things & it felt like there was a presense approaching me. I was in realisation my life was out of control, I had a so called boyfriend emotionally abusing me. My belief in myself disappeared, I was ashamed & felt guilty. I could not afford my methamphetamine addiction & pay for essential needs. I had fallen into a hole & could not get out. I was functioning but I was gone, like a zombie, completely exhausted mentally. Lost, scared & no idea how I was going to get back to me. I had lost my relationship with my children. My drug addiction was my priority on my mind. I needed help to sort my life out, I couldn't escape the situation, I didn't know how. I wanted to get better, I wanted me back. I couldn't find a solution that would help me. I knew I had to stop my drug addiction, it was going to be the only way out of this horrible situation. I visited my local GP & informed her of my drug addiction. I cried when I told her my children had to have pasta & tomato sauce for dinner. My daughter shouted at me when will you be a real mother. My brother said I had to get off the methamphetamine. The voices were following me, attacking me, threatening me & telling me things they were observing. Making me aware they were there. Making themselves more important then me. They wouldn't leave me alone, kept trying to make me tolerate them, demanding my attention. It was like an experiment was being conducted on me. They wanted me to believe in them, acting as if they could help me. The voices were trying to change me, they were voicing how they could make me a better person. Interviews were happening around me, they were talking to each other about me. They were saying they were talking to my friends & family when they came to visit, commenting on what my friends & family were thinking. They were making me aware of what they thought of me, judging me, stating they were better then me. One day I was having a shower & their was a presence of an investigator taking notes & observing how I was reacting to the voices being there. They were trying to make me feel comfortable with them being there. They were trying to voice to me, they were comfortable with me & needed me around. They kept returning even though I didn't want them around, they were burdening me, making the whole situation harder to cope with. I asked for help & I became more incapable with them being there. They were not there to help me in anyway, they couldn't help, they didn't really want to. They violated me in the worst way thinkable. The voices would state they would confuse me, allowing me to think it wasn't really happening. They wanted belief in them, but act as if it wasn't real. They were trying to get closer, more involved in my thoughts. The voices were trying to figure out the way I thought, a plan to change my way of thinking. It felt like they wanted me to give full control of me to them. They were increasing the disbelief I had in myself. I was followed by a couple of men & I could hear them talking about me, I was really anxious. My so called boyfriend had been harassing me all day, I needed to leave my house. I couldn't handle the voices & being observed & followed. I spent the night at a friends house & the next day the police called me saying mental health was looking for me. A psychiatrist & a nurse came & picked me up from my house, I was admitted as a patient.
By Tamika Muir3 years ago in Psyche
Drug Psychosis
I was completely unhappy with my situation I got myself into. I had unpaid bills, that I couldn't afford to pay & didn't want to. I was thinking it was unfair the businesses were charging me to use resources that came from natural resources & the way it was delivered to my house had been in place for over ten years. Besides they were adding interest to a bill I couldn't afford to pay in the first place, how does that make any sense? I also had a communications bill, that I had requested to be audited. They had charged me for an access I had not used since they connected me to another access. They also disconnected all my communication & internet access at a certain value, then tried to keep billing me for services unable to be used. I had unanswered questions of how my voice could be heard within my head. A communication company would make some sense. It was as if my inner voice was being projected extreme distances & only they could hear all of my words. Its as if people were able to connect to me if they wanted to be heard. Who else could create a digital signal from a persons mind? Maybe the government, or maybe a privately owned recoveries agency. I believed I was being gaslighted to be bullied into paying my bills. By unhappy voices who thought it was unfair, not to be responsible for your own expenses. Up until this time I had always paid for everything, but my drug addiction was taking priority over essentials. All of my money was budgeted around being able to afford enough methamphetamine to have my shot every day. It was my biggest concern, my whole life revolved around it. A community usually looks down on illicit drug consumers. They are seen as a burden to society, assuming they are responsible for causing most illegal activity. Making a society complacent with disrespectful behaviors & attitudes & judges them as not being able to live a normal life like everyone else. The first voices communicating with me were opinionated & judgemental on my lifestyle, they were interrogating seeking information, trying to make me responsible for my actions. They were humiliating, personal & seemed like they had a hidden agenda. They were trying to control the way I thought, by using sounds to highlight unacceptable words. It was like they were exposing me in every single way with no boundaries. It seemed like some sort of torture treatment, continuous pressure trying to get me to breaking point. Threats of doing the same thing to my family members, with no concern for basic human rights. Obviously these voices did not care for me, they were trying to discredit me & my actions, turning voices against me. This treatment started after I had thoughts of holding the federal government accountable for my drug problem. My thoughts were; well they are not protecting me from the exposure to drugs, how are they doing their jobs if drugs are still easily available from several sources? Surely they would be aware of everything regarding illegal substances, with their resources & task forces, how could they not be? I blamed them for being able to have all the control over the availability of methamphetamine. If I could hear my voices & they could all hear each other, how could it be possible that the law enforces could not gain access to this communication? It seemed real to me. I expressed my opinion on a certain situation I was experiencing, shifting the responsibility from me to someone else. It was like my opinion was not acceptable so I had to be punished for it. I was traveling along the freeway when I noticed a business car from one of the companies I owed money too, they swerved towards me & said pay your bills. I was receiving a lot of spam email requesting money from me. I had debt recovery agencies contacting me, all of my financial issues were building up. It was like I was being approached in all communication forms, I even saw shark patterns in the clouds, I was being circled trapped in. The voices were not concerned for my well being they were in it for themselves. Gaining what they wanted, what they set out to do, like it was a planned attack. A large group of voices came in loud pressuring me, expressing their opinion & wanting me to attend to my swimming pool because it was giving off an odor. They were trying to achieve their objectives together as a team against me, planned with a clear intent. Would it be possible a group of people could come together & gaslight a person in society in this way?
By Tamika Muir3 years ago in Psyche
Drug Psychosis
I was working fulltime as a registered nurse & midwife, while hiding my dark secret of the use of the illicit substance known as methamphetamine. I was injecting before attending work, it would make me feel enabled to perform my work easily. I was doing it for a year now, my workload was easy to handle. My ability to perform professional at work while under the influence diminished when I had the realisation I had a drug problem I could not control. Hiding the guilt & shame I felt for myself was becoming harder & the ability to compose myself lacked. The increasing worry I had of being exposed as a drug user overwhelmed me, the more I thought about it the more paranoid I became. There was an instance in my garage at home sitting with fellow drug users, I heard my work colleges voices attacking my friends with the dangers & legality of consuming methamphetamine, it was like they had tagged along in my headspace waiting for the opportunity to inform the users of their professional guidance. It was a war of rights to choose ones lifestyle without prejudice. I became increasingly unconfident I could hide my drug use any longer, how could they not know they were in the medical profession, they have the ability to observe ones deterioration in presentation. I arrived late, missed shifts & cried at work, found it harder to cope with my workload & lost time management skills. I observed the look of concern on their faces. there was an instance of skills compliance where I felt tested if I was performing duties correctly. I could hear their thoughts they were negative towards me & they didnt want me to be apart of the multidisciplinary team because I was under the influence of methamphetamine, they lost confidence in my ability, by this time I was using during my shift trying to gain power from this supposedly powerful drug. It was making me more paranoid they would be aware. The anxieties I felt were intense it was like everyone was observing me isolating me out. It was like the multidisciplinary team were talking about me & doing a case study on my performance, there was an increase in psychiatrists on the ward with feelings of them wanting to discuss my use with them. One day I was crying uncontrollably in the toilet and the manager would not answer my call & I heard her say to another team member I am not going in there to get her. I failed their expectations & they were not happy with me. I only became aware of this after admitting to myself I was unprofessional & should not be injecting prior to & during work. My guilt & shame started the lack of confidence in my work. I remember walking through the doorway to my workplace & the voices above my head said not today Tamika we are coming in with you, thats when I thought patients were doubting my ability to care for them, I even lost the confidence to greet them in a positive way, it was like they thought I should be the patient. I had one patient guiding me in the care I carried out for her, it was that moment my heart broke, I could not perform the job I loved. The hold methamphetamine had over me was too hard to conquer, it had me choosing the easy road of staying on the drug to get my rush I craved, I chose selfish pleasure over my life.
By Tamika Muir3 years ago in Psyche
Drug Psychosis
The guy who wanted to control me & have only me in his life was abusing me & threatening me with violence , sexual exploitation & discreditting me with anyone I knew including my children. We met off a dating site he was eager to meet me & seemed like the type of guy who likes to please people. He came to my house & hardly spoke a word, but was very polite & showed interest in what I had to say. He briefly spoke of his lifetime goal of searching for gold, he left without saying goodbye. Our next interaction was surrounded by strange occurences, I felt an excited rush over me when he would of been heading on the 2 hour drive down the freeway, later confirmed with a text message, when he arrived into my estate all the streetlights went off. I had thoughts of I am connected to this guy on a deeper level, society supported the beginning of this relationship. He was again polite, respectful & affectionate. We had sex that night , he acted if it was his first time & expected me to thank him, strange behavior I thought. Four days later I received accusing text messages from him of being a crackwhore, junkie & worthless, he sent several, I blocked him as I didnt deserve his abuse & thought he was a crazy psycho. A few weeks later I had a judgement thought that maybe I was too hard on him & should give him a chance to explain his behavior , he wanted to see me again, I wanted to see him too I felt drawn to him, I liked the energy he gave off when around him. Whenever we saw each other we had copious amounts of sex, he showed care for me & sincere attraction, I felt protected around him. The more I saw him & communicated with him the more the voices would try to interact with me, drawing me into listening to them & focussing on the importance they felt they had in my life. We were driving one day in my estate a voice asked him if he felt that, when I rested my head on his arm, he nodded his head. He was on the phone raised his hand up as if to turn the volume up & stated he could hear it four blocks away. It was like he was communicating with the voices I could hear. He used to wrap his arms around me like silencing the voices intruding in my every day life, they would quieten. It was if he had some sort of influencing control over them. While in my vegie garden one day a voice from over the fence told him to help me out & another time was them stating to him they didnt want to do that to me, they were just trying to communicate with me to awaken me to them watching me. I felt intimidated & freaked out, why were people attacking me in my own yard, when I wasnt doing anything wrong. The feelings of being observed & judged by those around me increased to paranoia, the voices kept making me aware they were there, asking me questions & forcing me to speak to them, I would speak to them in my head. My so called boyfriend increased his unusual behavior of accusations, degrading me & threatening me while not in my presence. While with me he acted as if nothing had happened & treated me very well, giving off a vibration of connecting energy. The voices would tell me it was true love, even when I was crying defending myself over the phone to him trying to convince him I was not the person he was implying. The situation got increasingly worse I was judging & analysing myself, thinking maybe I portrayed myself that way. I was always worried I was being observed for my actions, behaviors & thought pattern. It was like I was trying to be controlled by the whole community. I thought I could hear their thoughts about me & they would directly target my words in my head. I would look at the moon for comfort & they would tell me not the moon again, a voice asked because I could see birds overhead if I actually thought they were mine. It was if they were taking my appreciation of the little things away from me, like I wasnt allowed to be involved in anything around me, isolating me out. When strange occurences were happening my constant team of voices would express their part in that happening, like they were controlling everything around me, including nature & animals. It was pointed out to me by a friend who met him, inquiring as if he was the alias contacting her stating how much of a piece of trash person I really was. She showed me the messages & there was a picture of him entering me on my bed, I dont recall him taking that photo. I tried to explain the judgement I was feeling was from not being aware of who he was belittling me too, anybody could of been receiving these accusation messages. I became more intimidated & self judging about everything I did, I couldnt affirm to myself I was truly not the person he was trying to convince people I was. I became hollow, depressed, stressed & anxious, I felt powerless in defending myself against him. I knew he was treating me badly & was trying to convince people to not socialise with me taking my life away from me bit by bit, insuating my words were meaningless. I was so broken sometimes I could not visit people or go to the shop, I felt I wasnt worthy enough to communicate with my kids. I even covered my mirror so I could not see myself, my self confidence destroyed, my trust in people questioned, shame & guilt overcame me & I began to believe I was worthless.
By Tamika Muir3 years ago in Psyche
Drug Psychosis
I had been smoking meth for a year, I found it hard to maintain my habit now that I finally kicked out my drug dealer boyfriend. One of my new supply resources suggested I injected it, showed me how & gave me my first shot. The rush of the meth hitting my heart was euphoric, the feeling of being energised, happy & satisfied was enough to keep me addicted to the powerful mind drug meth for over 3 years now. I rarely get the rush or energised feeling anymore, but it stabilises my mood & completes me, I need to feed my addiction or it attacks me through my mind & physically disables me. I have been trying to quit for over a year now, meth has the power over me to arrive when least expected. The powerful mind drug has opened my minds energy to manifest meth in my life, it has grabbed onto me & makes it intolerable to go without. I am weak in my battle against meth & find it hard to find the way away from it. I experienced an evolving psychosis which developed into skitzophrenia. I have been lucky enough to travel this magical brain created imagination, hallucination & delusional journey. A fortnightly injection of an antipsychotic medication inhibits my psychosis characteristics, leaving me with a clear & logical mind. Its hard for me to believe that what I lived through is not actually real. I believe in telepathy, spiritual guides, aliens, various gods, naturally occuring signs, mind readers, spirits, angels & devils, possession, gaslighting, self awareness, the third eye, government trials, science discovery, channeling, souls & conscious levels most of these beliefs could actually have some involvement in the occurences endured. The beginning is hard to determine, but one of the first instances involved a huge shadowed object in the sky, which I waved to & expressed I wasnt ready yet. Another was a couple of ladies voices communicating they could help me after I begged for help to overcome my addiction, a foreign group arrived through my media & electrical appliances concerning financial issues, a white light increasingly got closer to me & when entered me another couple entered my voice library, buzzing, machinery, animal communication, instruments & weather sounds increased. Observations of drones, cloud shapes, shadow people & symbols, entities, energies, animals, projections & body language of family & friends, increasingly kept my mind yearning for more stimulation. Sensations of feeling accompanied, observed, touched, squeezed, heated, cooled, lifted, entered & altered were incredibley comforting & enthralling. With all three senses open to fully invite stimuli, I experience amazingly wonderful powerful happenings which become draining on my functioning self. I asked the universe to take control of my life & I was given the gift of a dimensional kaelidiscope & my creativity & imagination opened up. I have had countless memorable moments which astound me, if only I could live in both worlds simultaneously without the control of the voices. I would feel myself lucky. grateful & happy. My mind has been opened to another realm & find it unsatisfying to not experience the phennonenom.
By Tamika Muir3 years ago in Psyche