Does your therapist know you're lying to them?

The spouse in couples therapy who is adamant that they are not having an affair, despite an overwhelming amount of very unambiguous evidence to the contrary.

The individual client who swears that they drink one glass of wine, maybe a couple of times a week, definitely not to excess. The fact that they have a couple of DUIs and inexplicable headaches almost every morning? Unrelated!

Then there are the clients who will, 100%, absolutely yes, definitely be doing the thing that you talked about in session, the thing that would very likely be really helpful to them. They are definitely going to do that! For sure!

Do I, as a therapist, have a sense when a client is lying? Yes, I would say that I usually do. But it doesn't really matter. It isn't going to affect me in the way it would if my client was someone in my personal life, and it doesn't negatively impact my view of the client as a person.

Will I call out a client when I feel that they are being dishonest? That really depends. Would it be helpful to them to be challenged in that way? Are they stable enough, and do we have a strong enough alliance for that conversation to be productive? Most importantly, why are they lying in the first place? That's really the question I ask myself first when I get the sense that my clients aren't being fully truthful.

So why do people in therapy lie?

They don't feel safe or comfortable.

They feel ashamed or think I will judge them.

They are worried about the consequences of disclosure.

They aren't fully aware of what they are doing.

They have developed unhealthy strategies for interpersonal interaction.

None of these reasons make me as a therapist dislike my client or even think badly of them. All of these reasons could make sense and provide paths forward for effective therapeutic work.

The client who doesn't feel safe or comfortable likely needs more time, or maybe needs a referral to another clinician with whom they would align more quickly and easily. It is absolutely always appropriate to ask a therapist for a referral or to discontinue work and find a different therapist if you do not feel that you can trust or open up to your clinician over time!

As far as judging or shaming a client, I find myself constantly amazed and honored by the things my clients choose to share with me. When a person is brave enough to be vulnerable and disclose something that has weighed on them, my goal is to support them and process the emotions that come up around their disclosure. So my client slept with their ex who they've spent months in therapy working to get over? How incredible that they can talk to me about it. No time for judgement here! Let's work through it!

As a culture, Americans are seeming to become more open to therapy, which is wonderful. While the stigmas against and misconceptions about mental health persist, going to therapy is becoming much more normalized than it was in years past. But for some, being truly open and honest, even in a safe therapeutic space, may still be overwhelming. If you are in therapy and find that you feel you cannot be honest with your therapist, try to figure out what's at the root of that. If you can, talk to your therapist about it, and if that doesn't feel doable, then it is probably time to find other options. The therapeutic relationship is unique, but like all relationships, it works best with honesty!