Diary of an unhinged mind - part 5

Here I am again, struggling with my own mind. Feeling like I am two people fighting a battle of who will win today.

I had a busy and productive day and suddenly it felt like the wheels came to a screaming halt. I felt sad and dark.

I can't pick myself up. I feel like the light, the hope that I was following is diminishing and I don't know what I'm doing.

I once had plans and dreams.

I have a lot of regrets and worries, but what am I working towards? I miss having someone by my side. I miss walking into the house at the end of the day and feeling presence. Someone to hold my hand and stroke my hair. Even without talking, the stress that is relieved just by being touched.

As I write the tears are rolling down my cheeks as I let the painful thoughts come up. I spend so long pretending I am fine.

He has joked recently that he is jealous of the men I work with, but I could never cheat. I have felt the years of pain that it causes. I would never look for someone else, he is my one and only...but I desperately miss him.

I never wanted to be sitting here a year and a half later still waiting, still alone.

He doesn't care, he is living his best "single" life with his beers and his mates and his home maintenance. Sleeping when he wants to sleep, eating when he wants to eat - because he doesn't have to think about anyone else.

I feel physically sick. I feel like this brain is not part of this body.

I have been thinking about screaming. I need an outlet for this violent tempest I feel inside.

I bought a bottle of wine this morning. I didn't open it because I was worried I wouldn't cope with the emotions it would release. I have been thinking about a cold glass of wine every evening. I am scared to drink these days, especially after the last time. It feels like a crater opens and all of the feelings I try to repress every day starts to bubble up and explode like a volcano.

It is hard to feel happy. It is hard to understand what that is when in this dark place. I wanted to be planning my wedding, a small day. No need for hair and make-up, no tux. In a garden, maybe under some trees as the sun is going down. I imagine there aren't many people there. I just look at him and I don't need to recite vows, he knows how I feel. As it gets dark we find a nice restaurant with fairy lights and have a simple meal with lots of laughter. Music starts and as the night gets on he takes me by the hand and we dance. He is not a slow dancer, but because it's my fantasy, he does it to make me happy. And I am, I am so happy in that moment. I am where I have waited to be. In his arms. I belong to him, and he belongs to me and we will weather the storms together. We don't have a photographer running after us, or speeches. It's just us now, and the kids.

The song that's playing is Tennessee Whiskey by Chris Stapleton. Winter is closing in. The floor is sticky and the room smells like beer, but I don't care where we are. It is heaven. Why is it so important to me that I have a ring on my finger.

I yearn for security every day, and although I know it didn't make a difference with my ex husband, the legal commitment is important to me.

I want to be a wife. I want to be a mother. I wouldn't be a good advocate for the progression of women in society. I'd be quite happy at home barefoot and pregnant X